In my early days of recovery, I heard the saying, “Relapse is a part of recovery,” at least a hundred times. Most of the time, an old-timer used the phrase comforting a newcomer who had “slipped” or relapsed and came into an AA meeting shaken and scared. I listened to people share their relapse stories, which seemed to be triggered by almost anything. Harmless accidents. Loss of a loved one. Or just a bad case of the F— It’s. Then, I often wondered if any alcoholic accidentally relapsed. The question I still have for most people is simply, was it a “slip” or a choice?
From my own experience prior to treatment, the thought that I had relapsed during one of my fairly-dry periods never crossed my mind. I simply decided to drink. One minute I was not drinking, the next I was chugging booze. No thought or worry about it. If it was a choice, it was sort of automatic.
Once I went through treatment, and really wanted to stop the cycle of endless battles with alcohol, I have not tried a sip of alcohol. It is quite simply something I don’t do. I have had the occasional thought, a few using dreams, and even tried to pre-excuse a relapse only to be told, NO! In 8 years, I have not found an excuse to drink. So far this has been my choice.
Despite my lack of personal experience with relapse, I have a pretty good idea of what happens when a sober person takes a drink based on my work as both a sponsor and a sponsee.
Really, I can define at least three categories, easily. They are: an accident, a “slip” and a relapse. If you are in recovery, what you decide to do after any one of these happens is up to you. I will give you my opinion and experience. Feel free to share yours in the comment section. I really want to know what other people think! With that in mind, let’s talk about accidents first.
Accidents Can Happen
In early recovery, due to my living situation, I easily could have taken a drink, accidentally. My Ex-wife had a habit of leaving cups of booze on the kitchen counter or table beside the couch. Some of those plastic cups or glasses could have been mistaken for containing water or sweet tea. On more than one occasion while cleaning up the kitchen, I picked up a glass and got a stomach churning whiff of alcohol before quickly dumping it out. Had I been less wary, or perhaps more thirsty on a couple of occasions, I could have gulped a sip or two before realizing the error. It happens.
One of my best sober friends picked up a solo cup containing bourbon and coke instead of his coke, took a sip, and about had a crying meltdown. First, there was the worry about what effect the alcohol would have. For some of us, (I think I fall in this category) the first swallow or two of booze will light up our brains and trigger the old obsession of being able to have a few drinks now and then. Despite all evidence of past experience, the battle to avoid the first drink will start again in earnest. That is a feeling I never want to experience again. For more insight on that, see the story, “Chemical Free…”
The next thought is whether taking a drink, accidentally, means that you have broken your string of sober days. For some of us in recovery, being able to add another 24 hours is super important. I often see posts people share on social media explaining they have been sober for 500 days or 4,380 days. I’m not sure what is wrong with saying a year and a half or 12 years, but that is just me being judgey. In early recovery, a day can seem like a month, and losing 40 or more days to an accident could crush anyone.
Since my friend is a member of AA, he called his sponsor and explained what happened. I personally don’t know the conversation, but in my mind, my friend’s decision that the accident was not white-chip worthy, was the correct one. If I encounter the same situation, take one sip of an alcoholic drink on accident, and it goes no further. It was just that—an accident. My sobriety as I define it through Alcoholics Anonymous remains intact.
Personally, I think accidents are dangerous, especially in early sobriety. I have met more than one person who sipped a drink or took a hit from a joint in an almost automatic fashion in early sobriety. The result was often a multi-year relapse. One person I know accidentally grabbed the wrong drink on a cruise ship and chugged several gulps before tasting the familiar taste of booze. That was an accident. He followed that accident with a four-hour stint at the bar, knocking back double bourbons. That part, ain’t no accident, and neither is a “slip,” in my opinion.
“Slips” Are Not Accidental
A “slip” is a purposeful act. It is not unusual to hear a person who is struggling to stay sober discuss how they “slipped” and took a drink. Most people who are seriously trying to stop drinking, relapse an average 8 times before they can reach long-term recovery. “Slips” are fairly common, but they don’t have to be.
In my experience of working with others, “slips” or relapses start with a mental obsession long before the drink. In recovery, alcoholics often have a thinking problem that can lead to a drinking problem. As a friend of mine likes to remind me, drinking is a natural state for an alcoholic. Drinking is what we know and what we do. Staying sober is the hard part. Still, no one has ever “slipped” and fallen into a drink.
In this case, a “slip” is simply taking one or even maybe a few drinks, realizing it is a mistake, and starting the process of getting sober again. While some of my friends would disagree, I don’t think a “slip” has a lot to do with the amount. I think it has more to do with intent and length of time drinking. For example, a former sponsee of mine decided it would be a great idea (I hope you see the irony.) to drink hard seltzer water because he had never tried one. He was about 90 days sober and had begun working the steps. Still, he bought a few, drank one realized it was a stupid idea and called me.
I honestly didn’t know what to think, at first. A hard water–what the actual hell. If I’m going to drink, I’m going to drink. I won’t relapse on fizzy water with a kick. That just seems all kinds of wrong to a good alcoholic like me. Still, it was a “slip.” He didn’t accidentally by hard water. Nor did he accidentally drink an entire can. He made a decision to drink, period. That decision, to me, means restarting my sobriety date, whether or not I pick up a white chip, or “slip chip.” In my mind, I made the decision to put an end to abstaining from alcohol, if I am being honest with myself.
I also heard another person share that she had accidentally drank two beers. Huh?!?!? Taking a sip of beer might happen on accident. Drinking two full beers would be on purpose. Still, it is a “slip.” If that were me, I would hope that my sponsor would sit me down and discuss the importance of honesty as a cornerstone of sobriety, but that’s just me. In fact, I would hope I would snitch on myself about cravings before I actually taste-tested the waters.
Another friend in early recovery, threw his phone out of the window of the restaurant he worked at, and sat down for a few pitchers of beer at closing time. He wanted to drink so he chucked his phone to avoid an annoying call from a sober friend. He drank waaaayyyy more than a couple. Unlike most “slip” stories I have heard, he did not shy away from his intention of getting drunk. However, he came to a meeting the following day. He shared the story with a few members, picked up a white chip, and was still sober when I saw him two years ago. Quite simply, he “slipped” up on the road to recovery. He corrected whatever led to the “slip” and kept moving forward.
“Slips,” in most cases, are minor hiccups on the way to recovery. They happen for most people, and they don’t have to derail a person’s entire recovery. “Slips” are dangerous, though. A seemingly minor infraction can lead to a full-blown relapse. Another friend of mine found that out the hard way.
This friend started with a “slip,” but let it fester into a relapse. The “slip” itself seemed pretty harmless. On the way home from work, with six-months sober and a fat paycheck in his wallet, the friend stopped by a convenience store and bought one 12-ounce beer. He drank about half of the can in the parking lot of the store, and threw the rest away. If it had stopped there, it would have been a simple “slip.”
Unfortunately for him, about a month later, he stopped at a liquor store on the way to a trap house. What followed was a year-long relapse that led to another lost job, another trip to rehab, and a lot of misery. Whether it was the half-can of beer or something else that triggered the relapse, my friend is unsure. But, the “slip” was an indicator that something about his quest to stay sober had gone wrong and he ignored it to his peril.
Relapses Don’t Have to be Part of Recovery
There is a difference between a “slip” and a relapse, but in my mind, there are a lot of gray areas instead of the sharp crisp lines that some people swear by. A relapse is a multi-day drinking event that for me would require a return to the basics of getting sober. While a “slip” might be as simple as a few drinks, a relapse is not. The compulsion to drink gets reignited and stopping becomes a fight. While I have not had a sip of booze since I went to treatment, more than a decade ago, I experienced something similar to a relapse.
In my late 30s, I quit drinking for a few months. I wanted to prove to myself that I could control when, where and how much I drank. Although I was sure I wasn’t an alcoholic, (feel free to start giggling) I had a few people encourage me to “find a better coping skill.” Honestly, had I entered AA at that time, I may have saved myself a bankruptcy, a trip to rehab, and years of struggle. Back then there was NO WAY I could be humble enough to admit I needed help.
Back then, I had no withdrawals and few cravings. I was determined, and somewhat successful until my ex-wife assured me that it was no big deal for me to have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. It was an offer I had refused several times, but this time I took the bait. Within a week, I was drinking every night. Despite ample reason, and honest attempts, I would never have that much control of my drinking until I go help.
My downward spiral ended years later when I showed up on the doorstep of a treatment center hoping to get in before the shakes started. I was jobless and drinking every hour to stop violent withdrawals. While some people who relapse don’t need to seek treatment, the combination of obsession with drinking and compulsion to drink to excess is kicked into hyperdrive during a relapse. When an alcoholic relapses no one, especially the alcoholic knows when or where drinking will take him or her.
One of the things that make relapses so scary is that there seems to be no pattern once one starts. Some relapses happen quickly and the person seeks help with in a day or two. Others are an alternating cascade of drinking days and dry ones that take months to end. For some, the relapse ends in death.
In my time in sobriety, I have seen relapses last only a couple of days or as long as several years. If the person survives, the end result has always been the same. A beaten-up alcoholic, trudges through the doors of AA or a treatment center confused and desperate for help. When it comes to an AA member relapsing, the signs of an approaching relapse are the same. A friend of mine who was sober for 20 years described his relapse as this way.
“Five words are all you need to know,” he said. “I quit coming to meetings.”
He quit coming to meetings for two years and spent the next three in active addiction before he returned to the fellowship of AA.
Because I am a White Chip Wonder (please hold your applause), I don’t know how it feels to “slip” or relapse and make the walk from the parking lot to an AA meeting. I am sure there is an overwhelming embarrassment, confusion, and frustration. Each time I talk to someone after such an event, I remind them that relapses happen, and to keep moving forward. There is no reason to shame or scold an alcoholic for drinking. It is what we do. We just don’t have to.
Whether a person goes to AA meetings or not, it is helpful to have a support network that includes people in long-term recovery. There have been a few times when I have been trapped at a drinking event, and my cellphone and another alcoholic kept my mind from wandering toward the bottle. Having a network is the most important part of my recovery. As I have learned, sometimes what stands between you and a relapse is an old-timer who tells you, “Hell, No!”
Thank you for reading! Please like, share, and comment below.
