In recent years there seems to have been an increased interest and approval of leaving toxic relationships, moving away from unhealthy work environments, and reducing overall burnout through improved self-care practices. In an effort to help us reach our “highest self” and “live our best life,” the internet and social media are full of self-help tips, kitschy sayings, and friendly reminders designed to help us reach that goal. Perhaps one of the most memorable and useful of these phrases is “No, is a complete sentence.” Personally, I find this concept to be both useful and applicable in many aspects of my daily life.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I have this cute little people-pleasing, self-sacrificing, and “too much” instinct that often wears me thin if I don’t keep it in check. Make no mistake, I am no saint, but many of my struggles manifest as a direct result of my inability to say “No.” Oddly enough, however, when I walked into the rooms of recovery, I was told that I should take the word “no” out of my vocabulary. So which one is it, and can both be true? Here’s my take on when not to say “no” in sobriety.
As a “grateful nut”, a title Stan and I dubbed ourselves with, I am of the belief that gratitude is vital to successful long-term recovery (whatever that might look like for each of us on our individual and collective journeys’). From the very beginning of my sobriety journey, the importance of gratitude was instilled in me. As I grew and matured in my recovery, I adopted this understanding as my own and I continued to carry gratitude with me everywhere I went.
To me gratitude was more than just a feeling of appreciation, or a fond emotion linked to the convenience of all the nice things in my life. To me, gratitude was an action word, a state of being, and a way of life. (For a more in-depth explanation of my take on that subject, feel free to check out my post “Attitude of Gratitude”.) In any event, sobriety and gratitude went hand in hand for me, one was hardly possible without the other. I had a variety of ways to incorporate gratitude into my daily life, perhaps the most notable, was a gratitude list.
I’ve often mentioned gratitude lists in my posts throughout the past year, but I don’t know that I have ever taken the time to explain exactly what a gratitude list is or what it entails. I should start out by saying that there is absolutely no wrong way to make a gratitude list, if you’re making one for yourself, and it seems like it should be on there… go for it.
For me, however, the very first gratitude list I made was in line with a suggestion I was given by a fellow recovering alcoholic. He told me, “Make a list of at least three things you’re grateful for…”. Sounds easy enough right? Here’s the kicker, at the end of that sentence he added” …that have nothing to do with you.” If you’re anything like me, you may be a little stumped by that one little caveat. Luckily, at this point in my sobriety, I can offer a little insight as to what the heck this means.
Essentially while it’s totally possible and justifiable to be genuinely grateful for a fresh haircut, new clothes, or a cool car, it strays from the true purpose of living with a grateful heart. There is nothing wrong with being grateful for those things but each of those list items are things or activities that you initiated, so in all reality your kind of saying that you are grateful for… yourself. Again, nothing inherently wrong with that concept of self-love, but it’s a slippery slope to the whole pride before the fall thing if I’m not careful. At this point, you might find yourself asking, “Well, what does go on the list then?”.
Here’s how I personally do it, I list one thing about my environment (e.g. the sunrise, birds chirping, cloud formations, star constellations, etc.), one person/group of people in my life (friends, co-workers, husband, family, etc), and one thing directly related to sobriety (no hangover, connection, clear head, etc.). A simple gratitude list from my early sobriety might look a little something like this:
“Today I am grateful for the vibrant sunrise at dawn, and for puppies who show me how to be excited for the day ahead by playing in the yard. Today I am grateful to be sober, for morning coffee conversation with a supportive husband, and for the freedom of choice not to pick up a drink just for today.”
I found that the more often I created a gratitude list, the more I found to be grateful for each day. Conveniently, the more grateful I was, the less restless, irritable, and discontent I was about the things I didn’t have, and I was actually more optimistic and happier in my day-to-day activities. The neatest part about making a gratitude list though was sharing it with other people. I by no means have ever been accused of being a trendsetter, so let me go ahead and say that this was a practice established long before I ever showed up to my homegroup.
Regardless, I was more than happy to hop on the “gratitude chain” bandwagon. Each morning before work I would type up my list in the note’s app on my phone. Before heading out for the day, I would copy and paste my list in various text messages to individuals in my home group. Throughout the course of the day, most of the recipients would acknowledge and reply with their own gratitude list.
While not every person would acknowledge my text, or reply with their own list, enough of them, each day did. The “send” list kept growing and growing, at times, I was sending and receiving gratitude lists from 18+ people every day. Honestly, it got to be a little much at times, and as time passed some people would drop off for a while, and the list would pare down for a bit, but I found comfort and connection in the ebb and flow of it all.
As more time passed and I became more involved with life outside of meetings I managed to stay consistent with writing and sharing my gratitude lists. I re-enrolled in college, got married to Stan, and survived a global pandemic and still, I made sure to make a list almost every single day. Granted the time of day, and the number of people with whom I shared my list were largely inconsistent compared to times past, but I was mostly consistent.
Here’s the part where I become rigorously honest and transparent with you. I stopped making my gratitude list some time ago. I can’t exactly tell you what happened, when it happened, or why it happened, but it did. A little over a year or so ago I began struggling to allocate the time, effort, or energy to type up a list and send it out to folks. I never stopped being grateful or mentally constructing a list, but I slacked off on my routine. Almost immediately the number of gratitude lists I received stopped when I did, and in time the few that I was still receiving dropped off as well.
At this point, I only receive one gratitude list routinely, and for that I am grateful. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t share this to sound pitiful or put upon. I understand what happened and I can identify the part I played in the shift, life happens, people get busy, text chains become inactive, and things change. At some point along the way, I decided to say “No.” to sending out gratitude lists.
Whether it was conscious, subconscious, or implied by my actions, no was a complete sentence, and my lists stopped. As a result, people stopped sending theirs, forgot about it entirely, or perhaps decided that there were more fitting ways to practice and share their gratitude. Either way, “No.” is a complete sentence, no one owes me any explanation at all, I understand entirely. It’s the next part that I’m about to share that threw me for a loop.
If “No.” is a complete sentence, and entirely justifiable in and of itself, is there ever a time when not to say “no” in sobriety? Hear me out if you will. For my fellow 12-steppers, it’s a common suggestion to say no and change old people, places, and things from our drinking days. We say no to the temptation to drink, no to the cravings, no to medications that might cause us to relapse, and no to alcohol just for today. I mean heck, even Nancy Regan launched the “Just Say No [to drugs]” campaign. There are a lot of “nos” that are either direct or implied in sobriety. So, how do we know when not to say no in sobriety?
The answer for me is simple, while also a bit complicated if that’s even possible. A.A. has this saying, a responsibility statement of sorts “When anyone anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. to be there, and for that I am responsible.” While it’s basically impossible to be the hand of A.A. helping everyone, everywhere, at all times, I use this statement as the basis for my answer. When it comes to when not to say no in sobriety, it’s when someone asks for help.
If someone, especially a fellow person in recovery is asking for help I want to do what I can to help. How I help depends on the need, my current resources, time, financial situation, and mental well-being of course, but I try to help when, where, and how I can. Boundaries are a thing, and healthy boundaries are helpful. I wouldn’t dare suggest that you lend someone in active addiction your life savings, or put yourself at risk unnecessarily, there’s a balance to it all. I recently learned a valuable lesson in this exact practice.
A member of my home group, whom I once religiously shared my list with, has been struggling immensely with her physical and mental well-being. Over the past year or so she has received several life-altering and perhaps life-threatening medical diagnoses. While she practices an incredible recovery program and has maintained her sobriety consistently for the past 4 /12 years, she’s human, and she’s struggling.
Unfortunately, due to her various health conditions, she is not able to make it to as many meetings as she once did. Her financial situation is rough to put it lightly, her pain and discomfort level is barely manageable, and the medical bills are piling up. Luckily, thanks to COVID-19, zoom meetings are routinely available across all time zones, so when she is unable to attend in person she can still fellowship with other recovering alcoholics across the globe. Our home group however does not participate in any zoom meetings, so she comes as in person often as she is physically able to.
Despite my own meeting attendance being a little discombobulated as of late (due to work/school schedules, travels abroad, and home renovation projects), we happened to be at a meeting on the same day. It was great to see her, catch up, and get up to speed on her current condition. After the meeting, many of us stuck around for the obligatory “porch meeting” otherwise known as the meeting after the meeting. It was there that she posed a question that instantly put things into perspective for me.
She asked, “I know your life is really busy right now, and I don’t want to be a burden… I really miss our gratitude list exchanges. They really helped me a lot and I could really use some perspective and extra gratitude these days. Is there anyway way we can get back to sharing our lists with each other?” Honestly, I was stunned.
Her humble request hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t given much thought to a gratitude list in months, and I really didn’t think that anyone had cared or noticed that I stopped sending them. Stan, noticing that I had fallen a bit speechless stepped in with his usual sarcastic humor and backed her up. “Well, you can’t say no to that now can you, now you have to get back to sending them!”
Though he was mostly joking, he wasn’t wrong. Of course, I didn’t have to honor that request, or any other request for that matter, but how could I say no to something so simple, genuine, and reasonable? The answer is, I couldn’t, or more realistically, I shouldn’t say no.
There’s a long-standing saying in the rooms that when asked to do something, especially by a sponsor, your group, or another recovering alcoholic (within reason), you shouldn’t say “no”. While I think that it’s generally a good rule of thumb, some folks take it to the extreme and ask entirely too much of a person. This however, was not one of those times.
Gratitude has been a pillar in my sobriety, as a part of my sobriety, I feel it’s my duty to carry that message and share my experience, strength, and hope. Her request was an invitation for me to get back to the basics. When faced with the decision to hoard my gratitude, a touchstone for my sobriety or share it freely and abundantly with others on this journey, I was granted the answer to my question of when not to say no in sobriety.
Awesome post. Top notch