“Gratitude is not so much a thought or a feeling, but an action to be taken each day.”
-The Grateful Nuts-
Today is Thanksgiving here in the United States, the opening day for a season of gratitude. If you’re here and reading this it probably means that like me, the holidays are a bit of a whirlwind of emotions for you. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the noise at your house and need a moment’s break. Possibly, you’re feeling suffocated by the silence of an empty home, or homesick for the home you wish you had.
Perhaps you’re excited for your first sober holiday or scared about being around alcohol at the dinner table. Maybe you are nervous, excited, grateful, overwhelmed, and scared all at the same time. That’s okay, too! You are not alone in this sentiment. There are hundreds of thousands of recovering alcoholics around the world who are experiencing some version of the exact same emotions as you. I say all that to say, welcome home! Happy Thanksgiving if you’re observing the holiday, and if you’re not, happy fourth Thursday of November.
Don’t worry though, this post really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving or the holidays at all if that is of any comfort to you. If by some chance, you were hoping for a more Thanksgiving-themed post, check out my post “Crockpot Sobriety” or Stan’s post “My First Sober Thanksgiving,” those might be a little more your speed today. Regardless, I hope you’ll circle back around to this post at a later date.
Now that the obligatory holiday greeting is behind us, let’s get on with it. When preparing to write this post, I wasn’t really sure where it would end up. Honestly, I’m still not really sure where it’ll go. Much like sobriety, we’re on this adventure together.
As a co-founder, co-author, and member of the Grateful Nuts community, I’ve been looking through the content both here on the blog and on our social media pages (Instagram & Facebook). Ironically enough, despite “grateful” being the basis of our name, we haven’t really discussed concepts of gratitude all that much. In fact, I think we only have one blog post dedicated to “Living with A Grateful Heart.” Why? Honestly, I don’t know, but I’m here to remedy that; just for today if nothing else.
What is Gratitude?
According to Webster’s dictionary, gratitude, a noun, is the state of being grateful. Helpful, right? Yeah, I know. However, they do try to save themselves by defining grateful, an adjective, as being “appreciative of benefits received.” In my opinion that doesn’t add much clarity, but let’s keep going.
Furthermore, Webster continues to remind us just how much we’ve forgotten from English class in elementary school by throwing in a synonym for grateful. According to them, that synonym is thankful.
Unpopular Opinion:
Okay, so here I go getting all controversial. Which, historically, being controversial has never worked out well for me, but it’s also never stopped me before, so here goes.
I think Webster got it all wrong. Honestly, I think the dictionary should be overhauled, and definitions should be changed. Why? I’m so glad you asked, because, it is, in my personal opinion, being thankful has absolutely nothing to do with being grateful. Sounds a bit absurd I know, but hear me out.
Storytime:
As children, I feel it’s safe to say that most of us, were taught the importance of saying “please” and “thank you.” Think about it for a minute. Try to remember a time when maybe a nice neighbor down the street gave you a cookie.
You were excited, right, because what kid doesn’t like cookies? You got that warm feeling in your tummy and a big smile on your face because it was your favorite type of cookie- chocolate chip!
So, with your tiny little kid hands you raised the cookie to your mouth, as it got closer you could smell all the yummy smells, and you take a big bite. Instantly! You knew something was wrong, this was in fact NOT a chocolate chip cookie! It was a trick and a dirty trick at that; it was an oatmeal raisin cookie- BLECH! You immediately make a face, look up at your parents with horror and disappointment, and what do they tell you to do? Say “thank you.”
Now as a kid you’re still trying to process the shock, and now they’re asking you to be thankful for this no-good rotten cookie that you hate? Asking a bit much don’t they think? But, you listen, because you’re a kid, and like it or not these people feed you, clothe you, and protect you, so you say it. You don’t mean it, but you say thank you and you move on.
Lessons Learned:
While saying “please” and “thank you” is a good habit to establish from a young age, what did it teach us? In a sense, such practices bastardized those simple yet important phrases and taught us to lie. It’s an extreme stance to take I know, but in a sense, it’s true. We learn to say, “thank you”, even if we don’t really mean it, even if we’re not really thankful. So, with Webster’s definitions in mind, it begs the question: can one be grateful even if we’re not thankful?
Great question! This is precisely where my proposal comes into play. I would like to propose a new school of thought on the concept of being grateful versus being thankful. A more adult version, a recovery-centered definition of the terms in question. Stay with me, buckle up, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle until the ride is over.
Sober Grammar:
Gratitude, in any form or fashion, is not a noun or an adjective. It can’t be a noun because the way I was taught, is that a noun is a person, place, thing, or idea. Gratitude isn’t any of those things.
Gratitude, or the act of being grateful, should a verb. A verb, if you remember, is an action word; a word that expresses an act or occurrence. Now for all the grammar police and English majors out there (cough, cough, Stan) don’t drag me through the mud just yet. This is sober grammar; the traditional rules don’t apply.
Thankful or the expression of giving thanks, is an adjective. An adjective, if you remember from all those years ago, is a modifier for a noun (person, place, thing, or idea). Thankfulness is an emotion that describes how we’re feeling. You can’t see, taste, smell, or touch thankfulness. You can only feel it.
Gratitude, on the other hand, is not an emotion. It’s an action, hence the alteration to the part of speech. Gratitude is what a person does to show how they are thankful.
To clarify, by this new logic, a person can express thankfulness, without displaying gratefulness. Being thankful does not require any further action other than the existence and identification of the feeling itself. With gratitude, action is the entire basis of the application of word. Are you confused yet?
Gratitude in Recovery:
Here’s where it all starts to come together, and if you’ve made it this far without giving up… I honestly owe that much to you. Let me start by explaining that when I was first getting sober the importance of gratitude was drilled into my head. It was even suggested to me that I start making a gratitude list each day.
This list, I was told, didn’t have to be anything extravagant. I was told to find three things that I was thankful for, The only caveat was that none of those three things could have anything to do with me or something I had done. Early on the list was incredibly simplistic. I was thankful for a warm cozy blanket, food to eat, and another day sober.
My lists kept along those same simple lines for quite a while, and I wasn’t really sure how this practice was supposed to keep me sober. Nevertheless, I went along with it anyway. I made a list just about every single day. I shared my list with others from my home group, and they shared their lists with me too. It was cool, but again, I wasn’t really sure what this was accomplishing.
As always, the universe had perfect timing. Right as I was beginning to seriously question this whole gratitude list thing, the topic of “Gratitude” was brought up at my 12-step meeting’s home group. Let me preface this by saying, I’m not typically a big fan of gratitude meetings, this one, however, was right on time.
The chairperson began the meeting and introduced the topic in the usual manner. Folks began to share their experience, strength, and hope as it related to gratitude and how it affected their recovery. A few people even mentioned their gratitude lists and expressed what gratitude means to them in day-to-day life.
Just as I was growing frustrated, I heard it! The exact message I needed to hear; “Awareness, without action is bullshit!” An older gentleman shared this message, and that’s when it clicked for me. Being thankful is one thing, but if I don’t act on my thankfulness, I can’t truly say that I’m grateful.
It was only a small seed that was planted in that meeting, but over time my understanding of the concept of gratitude has evolved and continues to evolve even today.
Practicing Gratitude:
Here’s how it works (for me):
- If I am thankful for a warm cozy blanket, I use the blanket when I’m cold.
- If I am thankful to have a home, I show gratitude by taking care of it and paying the bills (on time).
- If I am thankful to have my job, I practice gratitude by showing up and doing my job well.
- If I am thankful for the program that helped me get sober, I show gratitude by suiting up and showing up to meetings.
- If I am thankful for those who helped me, I practice gratitude by helping others.
- If I am thankful for my sobriety, I show gratitude by doing the things that keep me sober!
So, maybe that cleared up a few things. Even more likely is that I just unintentionally gave you a peak into the insanity that takes place between my ears. Either way, consider this your first lesson in Sober Grammar. I know that not everyone views gratitude in this way. If you’re anything like I was you might not have ever given gratitude much of a thought before now. Either way, I hope you had fun, I know I did!
Join us if you like! We’ll be here, a little nutty, but grateful nonetheless.
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