“We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.”
-Alcoholics Anonymous, p.83-84
Many of you may be wondering why in the heck I constantly refer to and reference concepts, principles, and practices from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. To be fair, those of you who are fellow 12-steppers may get it, but those who follow a different path to sobriety may be getting a bit frustrated. Trust me, I can understand why.
Believe it or not, I don’t actually walk around town quoting the Big Book like an overly animated televangelist. I don’t typically fancy myself as a “big book thumper.” However, when it comes to sharing my experience with certain recovery topics, my understanding is often rooted in A.A. and thus the 12-step program has a heavy influence on my perception and acts as an anchor hold for a point of reference with such recovery concepts.
So, love it or hate it, my 12-step references are probably not going anywhere anytime soon. On the bright side however, in most cases, such references are merely used as a foothold to much larger concepts and the applicability of the overall message is rarely contingent upon your involvement with any specific pathway to recovery.
All right, enough of that. I didn’t intend to start this post with a disclaimer of sorts, but alas here we are. Perhaps today’s topic is still a little abstract and uncomfortable for even me to discuss. Let’s get to it, though, we’ll explore it together. The meat and potatoes of this post is centered around unpacking remorse and regret in recovery.
First Things First:
For those of you who have been hanging around the blog for a while, you might remember my aside, on what I called “sober grammar rules” in my post Attitude of Gratitude. While mostly unimportant to the contents of this post, it may be helpful to know that this is not the first time I’ve taken a deep dive into the world of grammar and loused it all up under the pretense that “sober grammar” has its own rules (i.e., The traditional rules of grammar don’t apply.) Well, in this case, I am going to extend an olive branch to the grammar police.
This time, I’ll stay away from the “parts of speech” and move on to the areas of grammar that deal with semantics. I’ll even raise the stakes and do my best to stick to the “traditional” rules of grammar rather than make up my own rules and call them “sober grammar.” If you’re wondering what I’m going on and on about, just hold your horses. Here. We. Go!
Not Synonymous:
Often in our day-to-day conversations, we use certain words and phrases interchangeably. Many of us, myself included, do this on a regular basis and never think anything of it. In fact, I’d venture to say that ninety percent of the time no one even notices the misused word or phrase (Accept vs Except, Alterior vs ulterior, Affect vs Effect, etc.) In the event someone does notice, the mistake is typically negligible because we know what the speaker was intending to say.
While it is true the majority of the time these small blunders make no difference in day-to-day life, there are some occasions in which knowing the correct word, its meaning, and its application are incredibly important. In the context of sobriety, and this post of course, knowing that the terms remorse and regret are not synonymous is vital when pruning character defects, navigating the wreckage of one’s past, and achieving peace and serenity along your journey.
This is where the grammar comes in. Just as a refresher course on the mechanics of grammar; synonyms are words that can often be used interchangeably as they have the same or nearly the same meaning as each other. This of course implies that antonyms have opposite meanings. Synonyms, antonyms, blah blah blah so on and so forth.
As we learn to navigate this new way of life, at some point or another, we all find ourselves in a position of unpacking remorse and regret in recovery. If you’re a 12-stepper like me, then you know that there are specific steps that specifically focus on this concept (namely steps: 4, 5, 8,9,10.) So, if remorse and regret are in fact NOT synonymous or to be used interchangeably, which one “should” you feel and honestly what’s the difference?
Contradictions:
When I was still new in the rooms, I remember being confounded by all the seemingly contradictory “suggestions” that were located in the literature and heard in meetings. The promises told me that I should “not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,” while step 5 told me that I had to spill all my dirty secrets to a higher power, myself, and another human being.
At the time, these two things didn’t seem to add up. If I’m not supposed to have regrets, then why am I supposed to keep dredging up all the terrible things I did before getting sober?? I mean honestly, what kind of sense does that make? Find me a person who can keep reliving their worst days repeatedly without having a few regrets about how it all played out in the end.
Some of us have enough reminders as it is: our kids won’t speak to us, the divorce has long since been finalized, the trauma already experienced, the criminal record is already there, and the driver’s license is already suspended. The damage is already done, why relive it by telling someone else and admitting out loud how we royally f%cked up. If you’re like me, you are acutely aware of all the terrible things you ever did, said, or thought. Many times this leads to some pretty heavy regrets, and that’s where things start to get a little shady…
Diving Deeper:
Earlier in this post I made a big fuss about the mechanics of grammar. I tossed around the technical term semantics, etc. If you find that you’re a little lost in all this, don’t worry, this is where things all start to come together. So commonly the terms remorse and regret are used either together or interchangeably as though they’re synonymous. They’re not, as we’ve briefly discussed at this point, but let’s dive a little deeper.
When we’re unpacking remorse and regret in recovery, it’s pertinent that we understand how these two concepts are similar, but more prominently we need to understand how they’re different. Even though remorse and regret do not share the same or similar enough meanings to be synonyms, they’re also not antonyms either.
In a kind of sinister way, the two terms complement each other. It is in fact possible to feel both remorse and regret at the same time. Perhaps this is where so many of us get tripped up when we’re trying to learn the most appropriate emotional response to our past wrongdoings. The key here is that one of these words encourages feelings of deep shame and self-pity, while the other inclines us to view our wrongdoings more realistically for what they are or what they were.
Unpacking Remorse and Regret:
So really, what’s the difference?
Put plainly, regret is both a feeling and an action. Regret is best described as a sense of resentment, bitterness, loss, or disappointment directly related to the outcome of one’s behavior. Oftentimes, such feelings are also met with a recurring and overwhelming yearning to go back and change the behavior to achieve a more desirable outcome. From my perspective, regret sounds less like feeling bad about the wrongdoing and more like being disappointed and ashamed of the consequences of one’s actions.
Remorse on the other hand is primarily a feeling. While typically, feelings aren’t facts, this emotion is important to recognize and tune into. Remorse is a deep-seated and genuine feeling of sorry for the effect one’s behavior had or has on the life of others. Meaning, from the way I understand it, is that not only does one know, understand, and admit they were wrong, but genuinely feels bad for the impact such behaviors had on the lives of others. A heck of a lot less selfish sounding if you ask me.
Make it Make Sense:
It all begins to come full circle with the 12 steps, doesn’t it? Through the steps, I began unpacking remorse and regret by admitting my wrongs to others, finding my part, and making amends. Where I was once certain that the steps were designed to drown me with shame and regret, I came to understand that it was more about appropriately allocating remorse and redemption for past mistakes.
In short, let me be clear when I say that I regret absolutely nothing about my life in active addiction Regret keeps me drunk and centered on myself. I do however still carry around some remorse for how my antics in active addiction affected those I love and care for. Regret is unfixable because the past cannot be changed. Remorse helps align me on the path toward progress, redemption, personal responsibility, and freedom. In unpacking remorse and regret I can keep what moves me towards progress, and leave the rest (i.e. regret) behind me where it belongs.
Thanks for reading!
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I agree. I had trouble with That Promise. Remorse is human and healthy, accepts the Past to be ok with Today. A healthy dose of Remorse is impossible to forget!
Hey John,
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to this post. Comments like yours mean the world to me and help inspire me to continue writing and sharing my experiences to and through sobriety! This topic is tricky, sensitive, and personal to each person but I feel it’s important to have these conversations with ourselves and with others who share this path! Thanks again.
With Gratitude,
Nina -A Grateful Nut