Think Beyond the Buzz

The idea of relapse has been on my mind a lot here lately for some reason. Not the idea of relapsing mind you, but more of the concept of relapse as a general statement. It’s interesting, really; relapse seems to be in the air this time of year. For me, the idea of relapse is both fascinating and terrifying in the most humbling way. I know without a shadow of a doubt, if I drink, I’ll die. Luckily, I was taught early on that the easiest way to avoid certain alcoholic death was to play the tape all the way through… beyond the buzz.

There are no two ways about it. For this alcoholic, relapse leads to death. The latter months of my active addiction proved as much to me. To be clear though, I’m not judging those who have relapsed. I am curious though. For those who may have had a relapse or two under their belt, in the days and/or weeks leading up to a relapse does one forget the common cliché of “Playing the Tape All the Way Through?” (For those who may be too young to remember tapes… Did you Think Beyond the Buzz?)

Here lately, it hasn’t been uncommon for me to be scrolling through recovery pages on Facebook or Instagram and see others sharing openly and honestly about a recent “slip” or relapse they’ve had. Surely, you’ve seen it too, right? The alcoholic with a year and a half sober who accidentally got drunk, the newcomer who had a “slip” and took two sips of a beer, or even the old-timer who just flat out says they’ve relapsed and are trying to find their way back.

There’s no judgment, this disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It could have just as easily been me. The onslaught of relapses are not just from strangers on the internet. I mean, heck, it’s even happening in my own home group! It would seem that right now, more so than usual, accidents, “slips”, and relapses are everywhere!

At this point, you may find yourself asking “Well what’s the difference between the three?” Honestly, that’s a fair question, and there are a wide variety of opinions on that subject. However, if you’re dead set on straightening out the answer to that question before playing this tape all the way through, please check out Stan’s post, “Was it an Accident, a Slip, or a Relapse?” from a few weeks ago. It should answer any questions you may have on that subject. This post will be a little different. Same topic, different approach.

The way I see it, a relapse, however you may choose to define it, is a process, not an event. I personally don’t think that everything in your life is hunky dory, and then all of a sudden, for no particular reason at all, you find yourself drunk one day. That’s honestly just hard for me to believe. Similarly, I really don’t think that living sober is all rainbows and butterflies, and at first sight of a storm cloud, a bottle of booze makes its way into your hand by surprise. I’m being a bit satirical sure, but hear me out on this.

Because I’m not exactly known as a deep or profound thinker, my reasoning behind the thought, that relapse is a process, is quite simple. If this disease, in the form of relapse, could sneak up on someone that quickly… how does anyone ever stay sober?? Ergo, there has to be more to relapse, than a sneaky little bandit jumping on your back. Right??

So, in an effort to keep things as simple as I can in this toy factory I call a brain, I’ll shoot it to you straight. Just about any other recovering alcoholic would tell you that the key to not relapsing is never picking up a drink. Which sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? The tricky part about that statement is, that by the time you’re considering taking a drink, the relapse is already well underway. Not so simple after all, now is it? 

The thing about relapse is that the simple act of taking a drink is actually the by-product of a more complex process. Here’s How…

The 4 Stages of Relapse:

Operating under the presumption that recovery is a process, it also makes sense that such a process would have different stages. Oftentimes, the relapse process is broken down into 3 stages (Emotional Relapse, Mental Relapse, and Physical Relapse). I personally think a 4^th stage should be included to account for the aftermath of the physical relapse. So for the purpose of this post, I’d like to present 4 stages, Emotional, Mental, Physical, and the Aftermath stage.

 As both a recovering alcoholic and a member of the mental health profession I have the fortunate opportunity to not only study the disease of addiction, psychology, and mental illness, but also compare the so-called “facts” with my own personal experience and the lived experiences of others with whom I walk this path.

I don’t mention this fact to place myself on any pedestal or secure a reservation in an ivory tower, I reference this detail simply to add context to the unique position I often find myself in when it comes to this type of discussion topic. (By the way, yes this, in my opinion, is a discussion. It’s honestly the aim for every post I write. I’d love to hear your perspectives and experiences on any post topic we’ve covered here on the blog.) I digress…

Whether I take a more clinical approach to the subject of relapse or venture into this topic from the standpoint of being “just another alcoholic,” the premise remains the same. When it comes to relapse, especially for those of us who are recovering from addiction, there are 4 main stages.

In consulting with almost any official or unofficial source of knowledge when discussing the concept of relapse, it is almost always described as a process. The saying “play the tape all the way through” or “Think beyond the buzz,” makes more sense if you consider that fact, doesn’t it? The phrase itself totally undermines the claim that relapse is an acute problem; if something happens suddenly… there isn’t normally time to “think it through.”

Stage 1: Emotional Relapse:

An emotional relapse can be caused by damn near anything in life. It can be something that seems as minute as tripping over your shoe-laces, or something as big as getting fired from work, or losing a loved one.

This first stage is perhaps the trickiest of them all, and here’s why. Emotional relapse can easily disguise itself as “sh!t happens.” Amidst writing this blog post, I created a graphic covering this topic for our “Grateful Nuts” social media pages. As is the goal for all our interactions with The Grateful Nuts community, one of our followers commented on the graphic and a delightful conversation followed. The follower, who just so happens to be the co-host of the Sober Not Mature Podcast said:

“This is a good post. I think that [stage] # 1 is life and [stage] # 2 is the critical one. We need to have the coping mechanisms to deal with life so that we don’t fall back into old habits. Whether it’s a traditional program with some steps, therapy that we are going through, or the hundreds of other ways that people stay sober, we have to have some sort of defense when life happens. Cuz the one thing that can be guaranteed is that all of those things listed in the first item will happen.”

Essentially, he’s right! Life is going to happen, that’s a given. The question is what are we going to do about it? Are we going to use the tools we’ve been given in sobriety and cope with the difficult emotions, or are we going to romanticize a drink and forget to think beyond the buzz?

Stage 2: Mental Relapse:

The second phase of the relapse process is a danger zone. For me, I tend to think of this stage as a purgatory of sorts. If you are currently at or have ever made it to this stage, you know about the mental shift that takes place. it’s a sneaky bastard if you don’t know what to look for…

Let’s break it down, shall we? So here we are living sober, one day at a time, right? Then as life happens, as it tends to do, we hit a bump in the road. Perhaps, we even hit two or three bumps, and things start piling up. This is where the mental aspect of relapse can begin to close in if we’re not careful.

It’s not that we’re looking for an excuse to drink, or even that we’re dead set on getting drunk. Maybe it is something as simple as not being equipped with effective coping skills, or that too much has happened back-to-back and we’re overwhelmed. In some cases, maybe we weren’t making our sobriety a priority, stopped taking our meds, or decided that “maybe I wasn’t as bad off as I remember….” I mean shit, it happens.

I’ve heard it time and time again. We think, “ahh it’s not that big a deal” or “one won’t hurt” but our mindset shifts towards old behaviors, perspectives, or attitudes. The proposition of a drink, the instant gratification, that moment of relief that comes with the first sip, seems to be to be a pretty good idea. Maybe the buzz we’re supposed to be thinking beyond, sounds like its worth it?

Stage 3: Physical Relapse

This stage is infamous. It’s the main character that we all love to hate, and have learned to fear the most. It’s the headliner after the opening acts, the ticket seller, and the star of the show. The devil we know, physical relapse.

I feel like this stage really needs no further explanation, but despite my lack of personal experience in this particular arena, I will do my best to elaborate a little further. (If you have more experience, strength, or hope to offer for this stage please let us know in the comments!)

Physical relapse is when everything else that’s been going on in our hearts, minds, and lives implodes upon us. This internal implosion manifests externally, and we make the decision to pick up the first drink.

Whether we make a snap decision at this phase, or we concede to the thought of a drink that has been nagging us for weeks, the deed is done as soon as the drink touches our tongues. Perhaps this is why relapse is often viewed as a sudden event, an acute lapse in judgment, but by now, hopefully, we know better than to believe that. Prior to the first sip, that first taste so much has happened, the drink is just a culmination of bad timing and unfortunate events. At this point we are in it, it’s too late to think beyond the buzz.

Stage 4: The Aftermath:

The aftermath stage is one I rarely hear about, but perhaps it’s the most vital when coming out of a recent relapse. This stage is the sinister “man behind the curtain” behind the whole show.

Despite being the last to show up to the party, the aftermath after a relapse is often filled with a brutal, writhing spiral of guilt, shame, and feelings of hopelessness. Failure is often the word I’ve heard others use as they begin on day one again. Confused, embarrassed, and hurt are other common words I hear to describe the emotions that are present in the wake of a physical relapse.

“How did I get here?” “But I was doing so well?” “Where did I go wrong?”

As someone who has stood witness to the seemingly endless cycle of despair, the answer is often a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended). A relapse is exactly what the word describes, a lapse, again. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It sinks its claws into its unknowing prey and tears us apart from the inside out.

When we’re sober, “the tiger” as I’ve sometimes heard our addiction called, is asleep, dormant. It lies in wait, biding its time for us to lose focus, or become weakened by old behaviors, curveballs, and bumps in the road of life. Many times I’ve heard the phrase “while you’re recovering, your disease is doing push-ups in the background.” I call bullshit!

I can only speak for myself when I say, my disease is plenty strong enough. In fact, my disease is as strong as it ever was during worst part of my active addiction.

This disease doesn’t need a workout regimen or daily cardio. It’s prepped and ready to go the moment I forget to think beyond the buzz…

Thanks for reading!

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