Before I get started, let me set something straight. I am not, nor have I ever been one of those people who claim to have faith in nothing. I will say, however, that my faith, even in the most generous meaning of the word, has been limited. I was in a meeting recently where the topic of having faith in a power greater than oneself AND faith in the program (Alcoholics Anonymous) was an absolute necessity for working a strong program of sobriety. Respectfully, and with ample personal experience to the contrary, I call Bullsh!t. Ahh… I’ve probably already lost quite a few of you with this opening sentiment. That’s okay, those of you who find yourself intrigued enough to stick around, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nina, and I, am an alcoholic of the fearful and faithless variety.
As an avid meeting maker, despite those who would vilify me for suggesting that A.A. could be considered a cult, I harbor no resentment or ill will towards the program of A.A. In fact, I can honestly say the program and the people in it saved my life, or at the very least, helped me to save it myself. I’m not here to hate on the program, renounce it, or deter anyone from getting involved. In fact, my intentions are quite the opposite. After all, one of the most quoted phrases of the program is “Take what works and leave the rest.” This, is simply me doing just that… and of course sharing what works (for me) with the entire internet.
For those with even the most limited experience with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, you are probably familiar with the opening readings delivered at the beginning of each meeting. Most commonly, “How it Works”, The Twelve Traditions”, and last but not least “The Promises.” My fellow attendees know as well as I do that “How it Works” is the most passed around reading at the beginning of each meeting, due to its wordy and lengthy recitation. So, in order to spare you from having to read through it yourself, I’ll give you the highlights that are most relevant to my point here today:
“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path… we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start… there is one who has all power, that one is God, may you find him now…”
There it is in black and white, fearless and thorough, and a concept of a higher power that prompts us to have faith. Well, considering the title of this post is “The Fearful and Faithless,” you might have inferred that I have some dissenting opinions… and you would be right! Disclaimer, for any Big Book thumpers who have made it this far, yes, I am in fact aware that A.A. is a spiritual program and not a religious one. This isn’t about that, but you’re right, it should be noted.
Again, I’m not here to get into the semantics of religion, spirituality, or diverse individual concepts of a higher power. I am however here to dispel some myths, misconceptions, and pitfalls that I myself have fallen victim to throughout my sobriety journey. Perhaps a good place to begin would be in the arena of faith.
What is faith? At the risk of being a little presumptuous and projecting my own experiences on to others, I would guess that most people’s conception of faith is rooted in the wells of organized religion. Maybe that’s true, maybe it’s not anywhere close to true. Regardless of where your definition of faith may or may not come from, do you at least have one? A definition I mean. If not, no worries. I consulted with the ever-trustworthy and omniscient Google in case you, like me, need a little help.
According to dictionary.com, Faith is “Complete trust or belief in someone or something.” Simple enough as far as definitions go, right? I thought so too, and honestly based on that definition… I have not a single iota of faith. Not in God, a higher power, or oddly enough, myself, not even in the program. Allow me to explain…
Several years ago I came across a quote from Catholic priest, saint, and theologian, Ignatius of Loyola. Ignatius said, “For those who believe, no proof is necessary, for those who disbelieve, no evidence is sufficient.” I’d like to believe that this is an excellent explanation of what faith is, and how a person with faith moves through life.
Regardless of what your faith is rooted in, there exists a complete level of trust with little regard for any evidence that might support or conflict with your belief. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for people who are capable of such a rock-solid stance. Many of my friends and acquaintances inside and outside the rooms of A.A. have a strong faith in something for another. Whether it be a religious deity, a sports team, the government, or some other ideal, they put their complete trust and belief in that entity; a concept I can’t fully comprehend or fathom at this point in my life.
Being as I reside in good ol’ South Georgia, perhaps one of the southernmost states in the continental U.S., and a definite member of the “Bible Belt,” it basically goes without saying that most folks in the rooms of A.A. share a similar higher power. This higher power is typical of the Christian variety, most commonly the Baptist denomination, also known as (God). With the Christian God being the most commonly accepted “higher power” in my part of the world, it’s no wonder that this is the higher power most often suggested to newcomers when they’re first coming into the rooms.
Some newcomers, like myself, immediately reject that notion and are met with varying degrees of judgment, confusion, pity, and when you’re lucky (like me), acceptance. While it was a largely unpopular stance to take at my local homegroup, I was never told that I wouldn’t be able to get or stay sober without their Christian God.
Most people didn’t quite understand, but they lovingly told me that I would “have to” put my faith in some type of higher power. “The only thing you have to know about God is that you ain’t it” was a mantra that must have been reiterated to me about a thousand and one times in my early days. I was instructed that a doorknob, a tree across the parking lot, or even the group could serve as my higher power if I wanted it to. I just needed to have faith in something greater than me.
At first, I thought I understood and was up for the challenge. I decided that the group, or rather, the program as a whole would serve as a sufficient higher power for my needs. I held on to this sentiment for the first few years of my sobriety, but as they say, hindsight really is 20/20.
As it would turn out, I really didn’t have faith as it’s been defined in this post. I didn’t have faith in myself, the group, or the program of alcoholics anonymous. If faith is complete trust or belief in something, then maybe it was true that I had no faith at all…
See the thing is, it’s not like I believed that I couldn’t or wouldn’t get sober, whether it be through A.A. or any other path to sobriety, it’s that I didn’t necessarily believe I would either. I was at a sort of impasse where literally anything was possible. Maybe A.A. works, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I can get sober, maybe I can’t. Maybe, just maybe, I would get sober, but also… maybe I wouldn’t. It all goes back to the quote by Ignatius, I didn’t not believe, so I didn’t need evidence, but even though there was suggested evidence (all the sober people in the room), I wasn’t exactly sold on it either. It was all a toss-up. A mental battle in which both sides were winning and losing simultaneously.
Looking at me now, some might would say that I am living proof that the program of A.A. works. Maybe they’d be right, but honestly, as stupid as it may sound, I can’t be sure. I mean absolutely, without the program, I am 100% confident I’d be dead right now instead of 4 ½ years sober, but if someone asked me, “Does A.A. work?” My answer would be, “Well it did for me…” I have all the evidence, every speck of proof I could reasonably need, but is it sufficient? In that regard, I’m still faithless.
So far, I’ve covered the faithless part of “Fearful and Faithless,” so what other heresies do I have yet to spread? All joking aside, when it comes to fear and being fearful, this subject is a bit more concrete in terms of discussion.
Whether it’s the plea to be fearless and thorough as it’s written in “How it Works” or the guarantee of being released from fear of people and economic insecurities as written in the promises, I am a non-conformist in that regard as well. And honestly, in an effort to save you time, effort, and energy, I genuinely don’t believe this to be a “Y.E.T.” situation. If I’m wrong, I have the right to be, either way, we’ll save that debate for another day ehh?
Call it me being pig-headed, mentally ill, or straight-up contrary, I am a fear-based person. I don’t necessarily mean the healthy fear either. I’m talking about the irrational, self-sabotaging, limiting type of fear. I’m riddled with it. It took a long time and a lot of humility and self-evaluation to admit that I have fear.
When I first walked into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, if you asked me what I was scared of, the only two things that would have come to mind are a) spiders and b) my mother. Oddly enough, one was an irrational fear, the other a healthy one, but I’ll leave it to you to decide which one was which. Truth be told, however, if those were the only things on my list, I would have not only been lying to you but also to myself.
Towards the end of my drinking career, if not the entire duration of my life up to that point, I was in essence, afraid of everything. I was afraid of you, me, and everyone else. Not to mention the well-disguised fear of failure, success, rejection, and perhaps most notably, the fear of living. I was terrified, constantly, of everything.
Imagine my shock, disbelief, and bewilderment when I was told that I needed to be “fearless” from the very start of my sobriety journey. Whew, THAT one was a doozie! The so-called fearlessness that was recommended was and still is a crock of sh!t as far as I’m concerned. Fear doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to be rational or legitimate, or rooted in anything concrete or tangible.
All fear is valid because it is either real or perceived, and in some cases, it’s even both. To suggest that fear, a human survival instinct, can be totally irradicated is foolish. Fearlessness is a myth. It simply doesn’t exist. Every single human, alcoholic or not, is afraid of something. It’s not impossible to be terrified of sobriety and still manage to get sober. You can be afraid of failure and pursue success anyway. Fear or fearlessness isn’t the cornerstone of sobriety, it isn’t the deciding factor. Courage, however, is.
Take it from me, Nina, the fearful and faithless. I still hold quite a bit of fear, even in sobriety, but guess what? I’m still sober. Yes, it is in fact possible to be fearful, faithless, or both fearful and faithless and still manage to get and stay sober. Perhaps we (the program of A.A.) have been focusing on the wrong thing for far too long. It’s not about fear or faith, it’s about willingness and courage. Courage, as John Wayne would have it, is “being scared to death, and doing it anyway.”
So be scared. Go right on ahead, in sobriety, it is not at all necessary to be fearless or faith-filled. You can be terrified and skeptical about sobriety, A.A., and the 12 steps. You can doubt it all and still make it work. Sobriety isn’t just for those who stand solid in their faith and claim no fear. It’s for people like me and you, the fearful and the faithless. It may not be the easiest route to take, and it will be scary, but even an ounce of courage will be sufficient for your sobriety journey ahead. As As FDR said, “Courage, is not the absence of fear, but the realization that something is more important.” So be fearful and be faithless and get sober anyway because your sobriety is more important than anything else.
Its such as you learn my mind! You seem to grasp so much approximately this, such as you wrote the ebook in it or something. I feel that you simply can do with some p.c. to pressure the message home a bit, but other than that, this is wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I will certainly be back.