Okay, so here’s the thing. The really cool thing about being sober for a while is how totally normal it feels. That’s been my experience anyway, I’m sure others have different experiences, but I can’t really speak on behalf of anyone else. I mean really though, when I look back, I am blown away. Even though I pretty much stayed shitfaced 24/7, that sort of lifestyle never felt normal. Make no mistake, being drunk, or at least some level of intoxicated was my everyday life, but rarely ever did it feel natural. It’s so strange when I look back on what things were like in my active addiction. I can remember, at different stages, being annoyed with how drunk I was. To be honest the majority of the time I have no memory of consciously deciding to pick up the first drink of the day, or pouring the last one before bed.
There was certainly no conscious thought behind the sheer quantity of alcohol I was purchasing in a single trip to the quickie store. I was in autopilot mode most of the time, much like parents with a new infant picking up diapers any time they happen to be out and about. It was just something my brain knew to do. How bizarre?!?
Another weird stream-of-consciousness type thought I’ve had recently is how much I take my sobriety for granted. I mean really, this isn’t some sort of feigned humility or self-shaming session. It’s just me sharing where I’m at today. The truth of the matter is that don’t think about it that often anymore. Imagine my surprise at this huge shift from the first year or two of my recovery. Whether it’s good, bad, or has any hidden implications as to the quality of my sobriety I’m not really sure. Time will inevitably tell.
In some ways, I like to think of it as a good thing. I’m so busy out here living my sober life, that the traumatic recollections from the days when my life was an absolute shit show have faded to the background. Between work, class, internships and family stuff, I don’t actually have much time to think about anything these days. So in from that perspective, maybe the lack of recognition for my sobriety is a testament to how well the sober life has treated me. I don’t know…
On the other hand, however, I can’t help but wonder if how my life is going is what everyone was warning me about in those early days. If somehow I’ve made my sobriety too much of a working part of my life the muscle memory has morphed into overconfidence and neglect. Perhaps the precautionary over-indoctrination bit creeping into my subconscious, or perhaps I’m following the usual path to overthinking and overanalyzing everything. Like I said, time will tell.
Let’s see, what else has been going on lately? Oh right, the holidays are coming up again. Well technically, for us Americans who choose to observe Thanksgiving, the holiday season has been well underway. Look, like every other privileged American, the holidays normally come with the wonderful non-refundable gift of mental, emotional, and financial stress. Hardly ever can I remember a time in my life when I was not affected by this plague. Well, perhaps that one Christmas I spent in rehab… I digress.
In any case, I have decided to do things a little differently this year. I am minimizing my stress by only focusing on things I have the time and emotional bandwidth for. I think that’s an offshoot of self-care. Better late than never, right? If it doesn’t involve me, or directly affect me, and/or it’s not a crisis that currently happening, it’s not my problem. That’s not to say that I am not going to be compassionate, empathetic, engaging and/or helpful to those around me, but if I don’t have the time, energy, or mental capacity for it, the answer is “maybe later”. So, we’ll see (a) how long that lasts and (b) how well it goes.
I guess the only thing left to say now is that I honestly cannot believe that it’s already December. I mean the year, life in general really, is a giant time warp. Some days 1 hour feels like 12, then I look up and 2 months have gone by. What the actual heck is happening! I guess I should look at the silver lining of it all though. 5 years ago, I hardly knew what day it was and I could only tell what time it was based on how many times I had refilled my 32oz Gatorade bottle with cheap gas station booze. I’d say “Ahh, simpler times”, but that makes it seem like I’m nostalgic or something.
The reality though is that, for me, it was a simpler time. Literally, all I was concerned about was having enough booze and staying coherent enough to make it work and class. I only had one problem, alcohol. Without that, everything else would have straightened itself out. Once I got sober, it did. Well… mostly anyways. Now, life is filled with so many other problems, challenges, and obstacles. There’s trying to be an emotionally stable human, the endless balance of taking care of myself, but also doing things that feel good, being a good student, daughter, sister, and wife, going to bed at a decent time, being responsible, paying bills. You know, the living part of being alive…(#stressful). Okay, that last part was intentionally melodramatic to lighten the mood a bit. In any case, all those so-called “problems” are problems of providence though.
With that being said, I’m not so much complaining as I am just airing a few minor grievances. Yeah horrible things are going on all around the world, there are atrocities in government, injustices in society, and darkness happening behind closed doors. I get all that, I really do. But it’s also okay to express frustration, boredom, and gratitude all in the same breath. In all honesty, I think it’s important to be able to bitch and moan on occasion. Today, I am giving myself, and you, permission to do exactly that (if you need to, that is).
So yeah, no big autobiographical reflection on early recovery today. No moral or lesson to be shared and contemplated. Just me, telling you, what’s up in my life, and I hope that’s more than okay. Sobriety is great, and I enjoy being sober. More than that though, despite whatever vibes this post may give off, I am grateful. Today, at this moment, my gratitude manifests as being just another day in the life. At the end of the day, I can with absolute certainty say that it’s good to be still sober and not hungover. Stay safe and be well friends.
With Gratitude,
Nina, A grateful Nut
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