“Sober” is Not A Dirty Word

A few months back, I wrote a post sharing about my decision to be “not anonymous” with my recovery. I’ll be honest, it received a lot more love and appreciation than I expected it to, so I thought maybe this might be a good time to dive a little deeper. Let me preface this by acknowledging that as people in recovery, you and I do not owe anyone any sort of explanation as to why we do or don’t drink. The ball is in your court to decide if, and/or, when to share this piece of information about yourself with another person; you get to make the rules. All I’d like to suggest is that “Sober” is not a dirty word.

Having “the talk” with friends, family, or co-workers can be daunting depending on the situation. Maybe it’s a birthday celebration, a class reunion, a summer cookout, or even a work conference; and you’ve stopped drinking since the last get-together. Perhaps you’ve been sober for a while and haven’t yet been to a drinking occasion with “earth people,” or maybe you’ve just recently gotten sober and haven’t yet tested the waters. In any case, it’s good to have a plan for navigating such situations.

When it comes to “making a plan” for these types of events, there are plenty of helpful tips, tricks, and advice that can set you up for success. I highly recommend you read Stan’s posts: “10 Tips for your First 90 Days,” “Don’t Get Fried at a Cookout,” and “12 Tips to Save Sobriety” if you’re looking for a good place to start. Making a plan is like having a safety net to fall back on in case things go awry; however, what do you do when things are going well, and you feel ready to share the good news?

Again, I feel like it’s important to note that you can live the rest of your life sober without ever telling a soul. The decision of who, what, when, where, and how to talk about your sobriety rests entirely on your shoulders. It’s up to you. There’s no shame in recovering anonymously, and there’s no award for recovering out loud; it’s a personal choice that each of us gets to make.

So, if you’re not ready that’s okay. If you are ready and find yourself unsure of how to address the elephant in the room, I’m here to give you some insight of my own on this subject. Feel free to take what works for you and leave the rest!

As I shared in my more recent post “Do It Sober,” I tend to overcomplicate the simplest things. Often, in life and sobriety, the simple solution evades me. Even with clear and concise instructions, there is a 70/30 shot that I’ll convolute the most elementary-level problem. Basically, I’m a molehill-to-mountain conversion expert. Ironically enough though, I do occasionally remember to keep things simple.

When it comes to sharing my status as a recovering alcoholic, I keep it short and sweet. Someone offers me a drink– “No thanks, I’m sober.” People ask if I’ve ever drank alcohol before– “I used to, but I don’t anymore.” When people as why I’m not drinking, the answer is simple– “I’m sober.”

Oddly enough though, not everyone ascribes to sharing with this level of honesty and simplicity. Like I said before, what, how, and when you share is up to you. My only question is why make it complicated? “Sober” is not a dirty word!

There exists a subset of people in the recovery community who are adamantly against using labels of any sort to identify themselves. Some folks are uncomfortable with terms such as “alcoholic,” “recovery,” “addict,” and “sober.” Then there are people like Stan and myself who fully welcome and embrace those terms and feel empowered by them. Neither way is “right or wrong” per se, it’s really just a matter of preference, I suppose.

In any case, regardless of which “side” you most identify, there remain groups of people on either side that will try to tell you that one way is the right way and that you’re doing yourself and your recovery a disservice if you do it differently.

Notice how I said some people on both sides, right? I’m not here to speculate, argue, or prove how my preference is the right way. I would just simply like to toss around some ideas as to why I take the approach I do. As you might tell by the title of this post, I am of the mind that “Sober” is not a dirty word.

As I have detailed in earlier posts here on the blog, I am not afraid to recover out loud. In fact, since getting sober, I have had the privilege of working in positions where sharing my recovery is literally a part of my job description. I use the word privilege because I know that not everyone has the luxury of making recovery their sole vocation. In many cases, I do, for which I am incredibly grateful.

With that being said, the fields of psychology, social work, counseling, and healthcare are making moves towards implementing what they call “person-centered” care. Overall, I am largely supportive of this shift in service delivery. When done effectively, service providers, doctors, clinicians, police officers, and the criminal justice system will take a more holistic view of a person rather than looking solely at the person’s presenting “problem.”  

This is huge, and I’m here for it! However, like with many things in life, it’s easy to take a simple useful concept and overcomplicate it to the point where it’s no longer productive. Allow me to give some context to my point.

In some circles, the term “alcoholic” is offensive, and frowned upon. Similarly, some people aren’t a fan of the label “recovering” they prefer recovered, and in some instances, all forms of the word are considered to have a negative connotation.

Others don’t like the terms “clean” or “sober” because it implies–well, that’s where I get lost. I don’t understand the argument for those who are against identifying as “clean” or “sober.” I mean last I checked, “sober” is not a dirty word… is it?

Listen, I understand, to an extent, the quarrel of those who don’t want to identify as an addict or alcoholic. The label of “alcoholic” hasn’t always had the best reputation, and to be fair, it is a type of catch-all generalization for anyone who has struggled with addiction.

Personally, I have no issue with identifying as an alcoholic, but that’s just me. I get their point, truly I do. In such cases, the person-centered terminology would dictate that such a person would be identified as “a person struggling with alcohol use or dependence” or “a person chemically dependent on alcohol.” Kind of a mouthful in my opinion but hey, whatever floats your boat!

The way I see it is, if someone who has diabetes is diabetic, and someone who has anemia is anemic… alcoholism is the disease I have so, I’m chill with being an alcoholic!

On another note, we have the whole recovery, recovering, and recovered debate. Now, this one is far too controversial for me to fully explore in this post, but I will briefly address a few points. There’s a section of the sober community who don’t like to use the phrase “recovery” because it insinuates that there is something wrong with the individual as a person.

It can be said that everyone is recovering from something, so some argue that we shouldn’t single out those with addiction challenges over everyone else. I don’t know y’all; I’m just sharing what I’ve heard over the years.

As far as I’m concerned, I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body, I will be a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life (so long as I don’t drink), and I am a loud and proud member of the recovery community.

The debate about “sober” is where I tend to get a little twisted though. What’s wrong with saying “I’m sober,” identifying as sober, or using the phrase sober as a person who is recovering from the disease of addiction? I don’t get it. Help a sister out will ya? Since when is “sober” a social taboo?

I’ve heard all kinds of different phrases that beat around the bush with this one. “Person who doesn’t drink,” and “non-drinker,” or “alcohol-free,” just to name a few. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with this approach, or even that such phrases are inaccurate, but what’s wrong with just saying “sober?”

Sober means to be free from alcohol, not drinking, and abstinent from mood and mind-altering chemicals including but not limited to alcohol. “Sober” is not a dirty word, it’s a badge of honor! Personally, I am proud to be sober. To be honest I’m proud of anyone who decides to stop drinking and get sober.

Sobriety is a long and arduous process, it’s by no means easy no matter how high or low your rock bottom might have been. Those of us who are sober, and recovering, have been our own jailers, manufacturers of our own misery, and hostages in hell’s basement. We fought our way back out. We’re survivors, plain and simple.

The thing is, there are plenty of people who don’t drink, but not everyone has had to earn the title of sober. Not everyone has had to put in the work, white-knuckle through detox, fight the cravings, or discover that you have to surrender to win. Us sober folks are built a little differently. We’re cut from a different cloth, if you will. So from where I’m standing, there is no shame in being sober.

When speaking my truth, “sober is NOT a dirty word.”