No Reservations Needed in Sobriety

Making reservations are normally a good thing. If you plan to travel and want to fly to get there, you definitely need reservations. Every time Nina and I travel for a concert, we make hotel reservations so we are assured to have a place to sleep. And, for our wedding anniversary I never forget to make a reservation for a restaurant. So, the first time I heard someone mention the word reservations with no context as a meeting topic, I perked up my 70-day sober ears and paid attention. I learned quickly that there are reservations in sobriety, but nothing good comes from making them.

According to the dictionary, a reservation is an arrangement whereby something, especially a seat or room, is booked or reserved for a particular person. In recovery, a reservation is nothing more than booking a relapse. Although, the better definition for what occurs is a doubt or feeling that you don’t agree with something. That something is often staying sober no matter what.

Types of Reservations

The types of reservations in sobriety may start somewhat rationally. An alcoholic I knew was about 8 months sober and his birthday was just around the corner. Seeing that he would be 50 years old, and never be 50 again, he asked a group on the porch before a meeting if drinking a glass of champagne would be harmful. He expected a champagne toast as a part of the occasion and wanted to participate. One glass on such a monumental occasion surely wouldn’t lead to any problems, in his mind.

If he would have asked an Earth person he may have been told to go ahead and enjoy the glass of champagne. Earth people would do just that. Drink one glass, or perhaps just a gulp for a champagne toast. Then, they would put the glass down and forget about it. That’s really not what happens with us. And, unfortunately, this guy was asking a porch full of alcoholics instead of Earth people.

The porch committee chuckled. Then, one member asked, “Would it really be just one, though? I never wanted less than three.”

Another chipped in, “It’s not the caboose than kills you, it’s the engine that’s at the front of the train. That one glass will lead to another and another. Trust me, I tried it.”

“How about this,” another man said. “How about you try not drinking on this birthday and see if you like that better than being drunk. My guess is you’ve never tried it.”

A grumpy guy said, “Hell, why wait? Just go to the liquor store now and save the worry.”

Whether that guy drank on his birthday, I never found out. He stopped coming to meetings before he picked up his nine-month chip. I have always chalked up his probable relapse to having a reservation about being sober, and therefore making a reservation to drink.

A Common Thinking Problem

Most alcoholics, when they are honest, have had a bout or two with reservations in sobriety.

Often, their reservations are tied to an event that could take place in the future and inspires fear. For example, I have heard someone newly sober absentmindedly mention that if he lost his spouse he would probably get drunk. There is no doubt anyone losing a spouse is full of grief. In times of grief, Earth People or Normies often knock back a few drinks to pause feelings. For an alcoholic like me, taking a drink to pause a feeling could lead to a permanent pause in sobriety that ends quickly or slowly in death.

Others have tied reservations in sobriety to personal health problems. A diagnosis of cancer for instance would lead a person to drink. The thought is not pausing feelings but more of a going out with a bang idea. Another friend of mine decided to cure his cold with a half-pint of whiskey and four comforters. The idea was to “sweat out” his fever. His fever went away and he went on a four-year bender. Other reservations are sneaky.

I have met more than one person in recovery that relapsed after his or her sponsor relapsed. The idea that they had made a reservation dependent upon someone else’s sobriety never really occurred to them until after the first drink.

Other Forms of Alcohol

Others made reservations in sobriety with the thought that another drug might not be as harmful as alcohol. Instead of drinking, a person I met decided to smoke weed. The only problem he had was that after smoking half a joint, he decided to drive to a liquor store to get what he really wanted. (I wrote an entire post on why Marijuana Maintenance can be a bad idea for someone who is trying to stay sober. You can read that post here.)

My sponsor also thought that he might get away with smoking weed at a weekend-long, rock concert festival. He couldn’t shake the idea until he was at an AA meeting listening to a discussion about denial. Fortunately for him, he realized his first thought wrong.

I do sometimes fully understand another person’s reservation. A young alcoholic who got sober before turning 21 has to feel like they are missing out on a rite of passage by not taking a drink on their 21^st birthday. As someone who drank until his 40s, I can empathize. Unfortunately for alcoholics like me, that rite of passage like that could lead to death or if I am lucky an adventure in a treatment center.

My Own Reservations in Sobriety

I had my own bout with reservations in early sobriety. One that kept a light glowing at the end of the relapse tunnel was the thought of drinking in the distant future. In my brain, when I reached the age of 70, I could spend the rest of my days at a beach-side bar watching the waves over the top of an up-turned glass. It made perfect sense. I would be too old to work, and have no responsibilities. I might as well live up my last days by burning the rest of my life to the ground.

Then, the thought occurred, why wait until 70. I might not be healthy enough to have a good time. Perhaps 65 would be better. But, 65 is still a long time away maybe 60…. At that point, I caught what my brain was doing. I was simply lowering the days to relapse. If I had kept rationalizing, I may have headed to the liquor store to start my “retirement” that day. Instead, I brought the topic to a meeting.

Solutions to the Problem

The truth, whether I want to accept it or not, is that my brain will always conjure up ideas that make no sense to anyone but me. Often, my first thought is the exact opposite of the next right thing. I normally put that idea on a shelf, that way if it was the right thing, I can come back to it. Then, I let my next thought form and share that one with someone. Checking-in with someone in this manner is not a sign of weakness or inability to make a decision. For me, it is a way to ensure I stay honest, and I don’t think my way into a bigger problem.

For me, that strategy has always worked when it comes to reservations. If I share the idea, no matter how logical, with another alcoholic, I can instantly see the flaw in my thinking. Often, I get a good laugh at the plan I have in mind. Other times, a “hell, no!” response is necessary to snap me back to reality. Still, the more quickly I share the idea, the less likely, I am to veer toward a relapse.

A second strategy I use is to put off thoughts from the future or the past and focus on just the time I have today. The person I am right now in this moment no longer needs to drink. When my brain starts to phone in a relapse reservation for the future, I bring my focus back to today. I look at what I want to do today. Then, I make a list and I focus on that until the day is over. I remind myself that I am an alcoholic in recovery and I no longer drink. It may sound simple, but it works.

In early sobriety, the thought of never, ever drinking again, was too much for me to handle. I had to stick to not drinking just for today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. When faced with a big problem today, I treat it the same way. I look at what, if anything, I can do today that will help. Often, the solution is to take a deep breath, relax, and don’t struggle in finding solutions. I simply focus on the next task ahead, and the problem, amazingly, takes care of itself. There is no need to panic, charge in head first, or run away.

No matter what happens today, I certainly don’t need to make a reservation that leads to a drink.