When I was in active addiction, I was the “sorriest” alcoholic ever. Every time I got too drunk at parties or on vacation, I said I was sorry. I was sorry for spending too much money on booze. I was sorry for finishing the bottle of wine before someone had a second glass from it. Even when I wasn’t drinking, I lugged an overwhelming amount guilt wherever I went, and was always ready to be sorry. Unfortunately, while I constantly said I was sorry, my actions rarely showed I was sorry. It is difficult to be sorry for getting drunk when you make the apology while getting drunk the next day.
Still, when I first got sober, I glanced over the steps and saw one that I was well equipped for: “Made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.” That was right up my alley. I had plenty of practice telling people that I was sorry. It was time to put this step in motion. Fortunately, someone put a screeching halt to this first thought wrong, reminding me that the steps were in order for a reason.
“Making amends is not just about saying you’re sorry,” my counselor in rehab said while we were sitting by the edge of a pond watching ducks nibble on a few crackers I had thrown in the water. “There is so much more to it than that. You really need to work the steps with a sponsor before you make amends. There is a reason that it is Step 9 and not Step 1.”
Planning my Apology Tour
I nodded, listening to what he said, but I was pretty sure I would ignore it. I had fully embraced Step 1, and recognized I was powerless over my drinking. But, there were too many fuzzy words that stood between me apologizing and moving on with my life. I was ready to get that part over with so I could SAVE others. (Saving anyone from active addiction is really not an option.) I sat down with a pen and paper and decided to make a list of everyone who needed my apology. I soon realized that making that list was harder than I thought.
The main problem that stood between me and my apology tour was determining what I was truly sorry about. In treatment, I learned that my alcoholism was a disease that ignited when I first started drinking. Once I took a drink, controlling the amount I would drink or when I would stop was about as easy as controlling a flash flood. Both will eventually stop, but the amount of damage left in their wake is different each time.
Had I never chosen to drink, I would have never flicked the switch in my brain that turned on the constant need for more alcohol. Biologically, I developed my alcoholism before I was born. It stayed dormant waiting for the right chemicals to reach my brain. However, the only way to know I had the switch was to try drinking, which is something about two-thirds of the population can do, and many of those drink without consequence. That will never be me.
Real Mind Games
Along with the need for more, my mind also played tricks on me to ensure I would keep a steady supply of booze flowing. Some of those tricks included raising my anxiety to a ridiculously high level and only lowering it when I took a drink. My brain also helped me forget or be completely unaware of how ridiculous I could behave when drunk. Once I had alcohol in my system, every idea seemed like a good one. For example, driving to Florida at 2 a.m. to get free orange juice at a welcome center, climbing a water tower, and driving a steam roller at 2 a.m. all seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. (There is something about 2 a.m. that brings out clear thinking in me, he typed sarcastically.)
I was fully self-confident with a glass in my hand. I was witty, funny and charming. Or was I? That is the other cruel trick. I will never truly be sure. I could have just been a mumbling, drooling, sad drunk who thought he was witty and charming.
While I could not have expected and would not have asked for the delusional thinking and obsession that built my 28 years of battling alcohol, I opened that gift in my teens following the crowd who could take a drink or leave it. I had a perfect alibi for my behavior, right? No one could blame me for something I couldn’t control. I just needed to explain it to them. (Pro Tip: Don’t try this at home or anywhere else. It doesn’t work.)
Facing Facts
Fortunately, the treatment center had a plan for people like me, who look at their entire time-spent drunk as a biological consequence beyond their control. I was tasked with writing a brutally honest drinking history. The idea was to write at least a page for each year I had lived. Honestly, I wished I had gotten sober at 25 as I scrawled 43 front and back pages by hand on a legal pad. As I looked at myself for the first time in writing, I understood that I had made a mountain of mistakes.
Sure, the first mistake I made, a partly innocent decision to drink alcohol while underage, opened the floodgates, but there were many decisions that followed that could not be blamed on the alcohol, despite what Jamie Foxx sings. Some of my more embarrassing moments such as breaking up with a girlfriend because I wanted to buy one more pitcher of beer were laid out in black ink. I could not run away from my personal responsibility.
I discovered that even when I was not drinking I was not a good person (gasp). Routinely, I lied to feel more important, to cover mistakes, and to get my way. I ran from mistakes and challenges, and not just to the bottle. I moved twice in an attempt to find an easier, softer way. Several times, I passed up education and job opportunities because I feared failure. There was nothing in my life that my fears or drinking did not make worse. I was overwhelmed.
Where to Start Amends
Fortunately, I had a wise man at the treatment center who I trusted with all of my fears. Sitting on a wicker chair waiting for one of our classes to start, I shared my apology problem.
“How do I even start to make up for a life time?”
“You don’t,” he said. “You start by living, now that you have a chance. Don’t drink, go to meetings, and do you best.”
“That’s it?” I asked.
“There could be more, but you don’t have to worry about that now,” he smiled. “Stay sober today, think of others before you act, and the rest falls into place.”
What my friend did then, and what he does today, is bring a sense of calm to my scattered thoughts. He knew what I didn’t. There is no way to fix 28 years of drinking in a few days with a couple of meaningful apologies. Just like the time it took to wreck my life, it will take time to fix it.
Later, I would meet my sponsor and learn that making amends is more than issuing an apology. Instead, I had to offer to fix what I had done wrong. While it does resemble the task Earl Hickey set for himself, making amends is a necessary step for freeing myself from my past. Fortunately, I had a sponsor to help me organize and prioritize my list. He even marked a few names off. Still, the process was a humbling experience. Interestingly, in most cases, people I had harmed just asked for me to keep staying sober as a method of repayment.
Today, I still follow what my friend and my sponsor suggested. I stay sober, think of others before I act, and when I make a mistake, I apologize and ask what I can do to make things better. I am nowhere near perfect, but I am progressing. The recipe for my success today is the same as the first day. I stay sober and work on improving myself one day at a time.
Thanks for reading!
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Best step 9 post I have ever read. Well done, and thank you
Peter,
Thanks so much for the kind words! Compliments from a gifted writer such as yourself reminds me that I must be doing a few things right! Thanks again!
With gratitude,
Stan, A Grateful Nut