With Halloween in the rearview mirror and Thanksgiving just around the corner, the rush to ensure happy times with family is crushing down on us all. Is it any wonder that in the next few months treatment centers and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings will be filled with alcoholics who took things a little too far during the holiday season? Without a doubt, something about this time of year brings out the best, and often worst, in all of us. If you are new in sobriety, thinking about getting sober, or even experienced in how to handle the approaching family gatherings, it is always good to remember that there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more important than staying sober in the days ahead. No matter what you do, don’t get washed away this Thanksgiving by an unexpected tidal wave of booze.
Sober Thanksgivings Past
As I shared in a Thanksgiving post last year, this time of year conjures memories of celebrations past, and fears of celebrations future. For me, each sober Thanksgiving has been a little different, and a few have been complete disasters. Most recently, sober Thanksgivings have happened in one of two ways. Nina and I generally celebrate Thanksgiving with our parents. We rotate between hanging out in the North Georgia Mountains with her folks and swatting gnats in South Georgia with mine.
For me, either location is perfect to spend time with family, enjoy great food, and catch up on things we missed being away from each other throughout the year. When we are in North Georgia, we often take time to play cards or board games, and on more than one occasion laugh until we have headaches. In South Georgia, it is the same, but with a larger, older crowd, more often than not, someone is always ready for bed just when the fun has started.
This year, for the first time, we will be doing neither. We had planned to be in South Georgia for Thanksgiving and Christmas with Nina’s parents. That memo never made it to my family who have all decided to join an even larger group of relatives in South Carolina for a massive Thanksgiving. Literally, about 100 people of all ages, shapes and sizes. While, I would normally be up for the trek to an even more rural area of the country, after my last visit gave me the gift of Covid-19, I am not ready for a return trip. In fact, I am still suffering a few last effects over a month after I first got sick.
A New Sober Thanksgiving
It is too late to change plans and head for the mountains, which are gloriously beautiful this time of year, so we will stay home and enjoy the company of my oldest son and his girlfriend for a small, definitely more laid back, Thanksgiving.
In a way, it is a bit of a relief. Nina and I have been going nonstop since the school year started and we only managed to take a break when we were both too sick to keep going. In years past, I would have been bummed out or maybe even angry that everyone failed to mention a change in Thanksgiving plans. The unexpected would surely be a cause for slamming a few drinks and complaining how nothing ever works out my way. Now, I can find the unseen benefit in almost any situation. Most of the time, my positivity (perhaps borderline toxic positivity) comes from knowing that not so long ago I couldn’t participate in Thanksgiving at all because I was too drunk to be of use to anyone.
I am one of those who darkened the doors of a treatment center during the holidays. I was completely confused as to how my life had gone so wrong that my best option was to lock myself away in a place that could protect me from me. Looking back, the only regret I have today is that I didn’t make that decision sooner.
Don’t Fear Asking for Help to Stay Sober
If you are wondering today if you have a drinking problem, the answer is YES. People who don’t have a drinking problem don’t wonder about it. Finish off November without taking a drink, if you can. Reach out to other people who have found a solution and see if there story is familiar to yours. There is no reason to spend another holiday season trying to drink your way to happiness only to feel worse each time you wake up. And, if you find that withdrawals drive you back to the bottle, it may be the right time for treatment.
For those of us who have put the plug in the jug, this time of year is always a little dangerous. No matter how much time I have in recovery, and no matter how much of my past is behind me, as soon as the sun starts setting a 5:30 pm. something changes. Long forgotten feelings and memories will pop up from the most mundane conversations or actions.
For example, the crunch of fallen leaves under my feet reminds me of the years I spent coaching basketball and the overwhelming sadness I felt when I realized I would never coach again. Still, almost a decade later, I get a twinge of sadness this time of year. I could easily forget all of the positives of the life I have now and linger in all the loss caused by my drinking. However, the longer I linger nursing that sadness the closer I come to washing it down with booze.
The Secret to Sober Holidays
That’s the tricky part about this time of year: Feelings! Feelings, whether joyful or morose, wash over me with a little more intensity. That does not have to be a bad thing. As long as I remember that feelings aren’t facts, and I can’t change past failures, I can surf the waves of feelings unscathed. I do one simple thing before I let my feelings take too much control of my attitude; I remember all of the things I have to be thankful for during this time of year. It’s not a trick or a gimmick. It is a real look at my real life without the head games of who I could or should be.
I am incredibly lucky to be married to a gorgeous, intelligent woman who truly loves me back. I have a nice place to live, and everyone in my immediate family is alive and for the most part well. I have a job and a career that I love despite the challenges each day brings. (Teaching at-risk students is not for everyone.) Despite the struggle of buying gifts for 14 people this Christmas, and the pinch in the budget it brings, we have found thoughtful gifts and haven’t broken the bank, yet. I get to have a more relaxed, sober Thanksgiving without traffic jams or large crowds. I am rapidly approaching 9 years sober when at one point in my life I had to take a drink every 90 minutes.
Realistically, I am living the life I dreamed of when I was in active addiction. I didn’t have to reinvent myself to get to this point. I didn’t have to make perfect decisions or live mistake free. I just simply follow simple suggestions and did not take a drink each day. Like magic, here I am. There is no way I can explain how grateful I am for my real life today. The best I can do is to continue living it, and avoid throwing it away by deciding to drink.
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