Sobriety, the way it was introduced to me, is pretty simple. In fact, I’m absolutely sure I’ve mentioned it here before. The key to staying sober is so simple it’s almost embarrassing: just don’t drink, today. The reality is that staying sober, or at least chemical-free, is so obvious it hurts. Don’t drink and you won’t get drunk. Whatever you do, do it sober.
Simple Solution, Difficult Execution
It could be said that I took the “easier, softer way” to find my sobriety, and I wouldn’t disagree. A 12-step program makes getting sober very simple for many of us. It is often said that A.A. is a simple program for complicated people, and I don’t have any arguments with that sentiment. In general, people are complicated. Alcoholics, including myself, are no exception to that rule.
I could give you a list of things I’ve overcomplicated that’s so long it would put all the meme-worthy CVS receipts to shame. It’s like somehow, the obvious answers to any given situation always elude me, and heaven forbid anyone who tries to point out the simple solution while I formulate various intricate plans in order to claim victory over the most elementary-level problems with which I find myself entwined.
Nope, it can never be a simple problem with a simple solution because surely I, of all people, with my advanced intellect and keen sense of problem solving would have recognized the simple solution, right? Yeah… did I mention that I was an alcoholic? I have a thinking problem that is just as advanced as my drinking problem. Luckily, I have surrounded myself with a community of people who are the same kind of different as me. Through such a wonderful community, we’ve found that together, we are able to help each other find simple solutions to all the complicated problems we create for ourselves.
We All Struggle
The funny thing about alcoholics, or at least all the recovering alcoholics I know, is that we tend to struggle with the same conceptual problem over and over and over again. Occasionally, we hit a breakthrough, but only after we struggle for a bit. Then, as if we miss the challenge, we find ourselves repeating the cycle with an entirely new set of problems.
Take me, for example, I suck at the spiritual principle of acceptance. I think the universe really enjoys watching me struggle with this principle because I am constantly gifted “opportunities” to practice acceptance. Typically, my first go-to response is to try literally everything else to control, manipulate, or change something I don’t like. (Pro tip: this rarely ends well.) Then, finally, when all else fails, I realize that the correct approach to the given problem is acceptance. I would like to say that I’ve learned my lesson on this, but let’s be honest, I haven’t quite figured out how to ace this particular field-sobriety test.
If that instance doesn’t resonate with you, take my husband for example. (If you’re reading this post, you can assume he was okay with my sharing this, HA!) For a brief moment allow me to take his inventory. One of his biggest struggles over the years has been the spiritual principle of taking personal responsibility. Now, he’s not alone in this challenge, I myself, alongside hundreds of thousands of Earth people and recovering alcoholics alike share this struggle; this story is just too good not to single out.
Now Stan got sober before I did, 4 years to the day to be exact, so I wasn’t exactly around during his early sobriety days. Fortunately, for me (unfortunately for him) I get to hear plenty of stories about him from our home group members.
Among my favorite stories is that one of the old-timers constantly had to remind him to stop pointing the finger at other people. The blame game is a dubious luxury for normies, but for alcoholics, it can add years to our struggle with addiction. In any case, Stan apparently struggled with this principle for quite some time, as it is now the running joke of our group to occasionally point out “It’s YOU” during meetings where it seems like maybe the blame is being shifted.
I mean honestly, if I had a penny for each time my problem was looking at me in the mirror, I’d be living fat and happy on some remote island somewhere. In any case, both examples serve as a friendly reminder that often times the answers to our problems are quite simple.
It’s All Connected
So, what does “do it sober” have to with anything I’ve shared so far? Great question, I’d love to tell you!
Heads up, sometimes I can get a little preachy with my opinions and perspectives on various recovery topics. What can I say? I’ve always had big feet and stepping on toes is something that happens from time to time. I do my best not to, but with a group as big as the sober community is, it’s impossible for us all to agree on everything. With that being said, I’m going to do my best not to stomp on any toes, but it might happen anyway. (Don’t drag me too hard in the comments please!)
This blog has afforded me the opportunity to meet and engage with so many new and different people in recovery all across the globe. Whether it be on Instagram, different recovery groups on Facebook, or other fellow sober bloggers, a whole new world has been opened up for me.
So, thanks to you all, and the recent uptick in attendance at my home group meetings, I have the privilege of hearing a lot of the different struggles, challenges, and questions posed by those of you who are fairly new to the whole sobriety thing. Honestly, even if you’ve been at this thing for a while, there are still so many different perspectives on a specific problem that I thought had a very simple solution.
A Common Problem
The problem you ask? How to continue doing the things you love to do, once you get sober. I’ve heard this question posed at least a million different times in a million different ways. The most succinct way however was on Facebook just the other day. The post was submitted anonymously, but went on to state that:
“7 weeks [sober] for my hubby and I both… we are both doing great, however, we are already contemplating how we will get through the summer. We love camping, floating the river, beach trips, our backyard, pool, grilling, etc. We associate all these things will drinking. Any advice on how to continuing to enjoy them AF?…”
My initial reaction to this post was that of excitement, joy, and pride for this couple. I mean, seriously, 7 weeks is huge, and how awesome is it that they’re embarking on this journey together! My secondary reaction however left a little to be desired. I try to be honest today, and if I’m being honest, I quickly jumped to being a little judgey, holier-than-though, and condescending with a touch of hypocrisy. What can I say? I’m only human after all.
Thankfully I was able to pull my head of my a$$ in time to not co-sign my own crap. Seven weeks sober is an amazing feat, and it’s not a position that everyone finds himself or herself in. Countless times, I have seen posts, comments, or message boards filled with similar stories, sentiments, and pleas for any advice on how to navigate such situations. So why did I get so bent out of shape about someone asking for help? Isn’t that what I’m always saying we should do in this community? Isn’t that what this community is here for in the first place?? I decided to give this whole situation a little more thought, and here’s what I finally decided upon.
Possible solutions
Prior to exploring this school of thought and writing this post, I would typically respond “Beware of the Barbershop.” A classic warning to newcomers and old-timers alike, that if you hang around the barbershop long enough, sooner or later you’ll get a haircut. Another go-to line is that in sobriety we have to change old people, places, things, and habits from our drinking days.
While I will say that I stand by this train of thought on concept, I also recognize that it’s not a one-size-fits-all application. Not every passion, hobby, relationship, hangout spot from the old days has to be changed in sobriety. When and if we’re ready, we can still do all those things, we just do it sober!
Take for example our summer trip to Ireland with Stan’s father. Going to Ireland has been a dream of mine since childhood. For Christ-sakes it’s the land of Guinness and Irish whiskey, what business did I have going there? The answer is simple; I chose to do it sober.
Was everything exactly the same as I dreamt it would be? No, of course not, who dreams of going to Ireland and not drinking?? More important is to ask myself did I have fun, did I enjoy it? The answer to those questions are YES!
Honestly, looking back, I wouldn’t change a single thing about the entire trip. I wouldn’t have skipped the destination location, the late-night pub meals, the itinerary for the trip, and I certainty would not change my decision to do it sober. See, the thing is, all my dreams for the trip came true. In sobriety, dreams, thoughts, ideas, and perspectives change. Which in my case is actually a good thing; otherwise, I would not have been the sober alcoholic walking into and Irish pub on that trip. More than likely, I would have been the American Alcoholic locked in the Irish Looney Bin, and that story is not nearly as fun.
Just Do It Sober
Regardless, traveling abroad to a childhood dream location is just one example. It doesn’t have to be anything near as drastic for this to apply. In fact, over the past four years of my sobriety I have used the mantra “do it sober” for a variety of different situations. Whether it be beach trips, concerts, traveling abroad, holiday celebrations, or even my own wedding!
Sobriety doesn’t have to be boring, and you don’t have to stop doing the things you love. You might find early on in your journey, that in some cases, it’s best to limit or even completely avoid certain events, situations, or people. It doesn’t have to be forever!
Whether you are newly sober and trying to figure out who you are or what you like in sobriety, or old hat and have found that you miss some of those old hobbies, passions, or interests you had before, just know that you don’t have to give everything up. If you truly love doing something, going somewhere, or being someplace… you can still do all of those things.
Just do it sober!
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It took time, work, patience, and humility, but eventually the things I used to enjoy drinking either disappeared because I found out I didn’t really enjoy them, or they got better because I became more present and in tune. Important post for reflection and growth
Peter,
Absolutely, I think time and work have been the two most important key factors for me thus far in my journey. Like, you I discovered that many of the things I used to enjoy or “wanted” to enjoy weren’t really all they were hyped up to be once I got sober. In sobriety, we grow, change, and evolve. I think that’s just a general fact of life, what we like, enjoy, and want to put our time effort and energy towards changes. Sobriety just expedites the process in many cases.
With Gratitude,
Nina, A Grateful Nut