When I first took the steps to get sober, there was only one thought on my mind each day. What if I take just one drink? For someone who was forced to drink every hour and a half during the last months of active addiction, you might think this would not be my first thought. But, there it was glowing like a neon sign each morning before I rolled out of bed. Just have one drink. It will be fine. It seemed impossible to break the obsession with booze.
Each day, I would find a way to put the thought to the back of my mind and try to function like a “normal” human being. For the first few months out of treatment, my normal included two A.A. meetings per day and job hunting. I also met with a substance abuse counselor once per week. It was all I could manage, and the thought of taking a drink, followed by the thought of what could happen if I did, rolled around inside my skull almost constantly.
I followed every suggestion I heard to avoid “accidentally” getting drunk. Having heard the analogy of barbershops in reference to staying out of bars, I literally avoided entire streets where I knew bars existed. Further, I didn’t buy water or sodas at convenience stores because I didn’t want to walk too close to the beer coolers. If I didn’t get close, booze couldn’t end up in my hand. I also refused to walk down the beer and wine aisles at grocery stores. Feeling my pulse quicken at the site of the bottles on the shelves, I quickly pushed my cart past to another location. I took every precaution I knew to avoid relapse. That didn’t stop the obsession.
Obession with Planning Drinks
Make no mistake; my thoughts were never of just having one drink. I would find myself lost in the thought buying a half-gallon of bourbon and figuring out how to hide the bottle and cover the smell on my breath. It took me back to my teenage drinking days. There was the excitement that came with acquiring alcohol, drinking most of it, and finding a safe place to hide it until the next weekend escapade. The risk seemed to be a better high than the booze, most of the time. Just as I started to get excited like those good old days, reality crushed the dream.
I was a 43-year-old father of two, living in my parents’ house, planning and scheming how to drink without getting caught. Most other 43 year olds were working in their careers and planning and scheming vacations, home renovations, or hosting the best neighborhood barbecue party. I was being utterly ridiculous, and completely insane. It was laughable. Slapped in the face by reality, that obsessive thought withered and died, but soon another would take its place. It was a constant, never-ending game of whack-a-mole.
In meetings, I heard people, who had a year or more sober, talk about how much better their lives were. They explained that the obsession to drink had been lifted, and they didn’t even think of drinking. I knew exactly what was going on with these people. They were full of horseshit. There was absolutely NO WAY they didn’t think about taking a drink. Even more suspicious, they couldn’t explain what they did to make this intrusive, almost overwhelming, thought go away.
Searching for an Answer
After a meeting one afternoon, I was standing outside discussing the rapidly approaching March Madness Playoff Brackets with one of the lying people. He was excitedly discussing the intricacies of different basketball teams and how those minute details could lead one team to beat another during the college basketball tournament. I had no clue about any of the teams. I hadn’t even watched a game that year, but I knew how to play this game.
Instead of outing myself for my lack of knowledge, I listened, nodding my head at the right times, and then occasionally saying things like, “Their defense is pretty shaky,” or “It is going to come down to who makes the least mistakes in that game.” The secret is no team in college basketball plays great defense so that is always a safe statement. Also, when has a game ever been won by the team that makes the most mistakes? Besides, I was waiting for a real answer to a real question.
“What did you mean when you said your obsession to drink had been lifted?” I asked when a break in the conversation left a gap for a new topic.
“I just don’t think about drinking or, even better, I don’t think about not drinking.”
“Ah, I get ya now,” I said, still skeptical. “What did you do to make that happen?”
“I followed suggestions, worked the steps, and hit my knees every morning in prayer. Then, one day, it was just gone.”
I nodded. “That makes sense. Just take it one day at a time, I guess.” My response mimicked the basketball conversation. I still had no clue.
A Simple Process
It was the same line that everyone used for every situation. Got a court case? Work the steps and pray. Need a new car? Work the steps and pray. Need a job? Work the steps and pray. Want to stay sober? Work the steps and pray.
Honestly, at the time, I thought, what a load of crap. However, I wasn’t in any position to take any chances. Drinking had almost killed me, and while I didn’t know it then, I would have lingering health consequences for years to come. If this guy wanted to keep his secret, then fine.
That didn’t mean I was giving up on A.A. meetings; I kept showing up. I listened intently to people who claimed that they had went to a bar without drinking; secretly knowing they were not telling the truth. I even started to pray a little. My morning prayer was pretty simple. “Please God don’t let me drink today.” Followed in the evening, when I remembered to do it, with, “Thanks for not letting me drink.” I really didn’t see a difference, though. Each day began and ended with the same sneaky struggle.
Still Struggling with the Obsession
At some point, often for no reason, the thought of drinking sounded so perfect. Sunny days or rainy days had little effect on the thought of drinking alcohol, though maybe the style of booze varied. Sunny days were always gin and tonic days for me.
Occasionally, the thought would be attached to a song, “…sipping on coke and rum. I’m like, so what? I’m drunk. It’s the freaking weekend, baby. I’m about to have me some fun.” Didn’t I deserve some fun with coke and rum? Surely, I had healed enough to have a fun weekend at the beach while drinking a few drinks. I knew the perfect place. Again, I would remind myself what I had learned. I was a pickle and I could never be a cucumber again. Time would not return my ability to drink normally. Hell, my drinking never was normal.
So, I would find myself back at the grocery store avoiding the beer and wine aisle or paying for gas and not getting a root beer that I really wanted because it was too close to the beer cooler. My weekends were a blast! (He typed, sarcastically.) Instead of happy, joyous, and free, I was full of fear and avoiding inanimate objects that seemed ready to attack me.
Days and months began to tick by and I kept coming to meetings. In one, a person shared that he got angry and really wanted to get drunk, but decided against it. Some people at the meeting shared how they called other alcoholics during moments like that instead of trying to get through them alone. Later, I would use this strategy and it worked perfectly, much to my disgust at the time.
One guy scoffed, “If my life was so bad I wanted to get drunk, I would, just to see if I could make it worse.” I saw a glimmer of hope for my problem until he mentioned “worse.”
A New (Old) Plan to Lift the Obsession
Occasionally, I would see the results of giving in to the obsession on the faces of people who showed back up to meetings teary-eyed. They would always warn others that drinking only makes things worse. I knew they were right in the rational side of my brain, but a part of me secretly thought that I could get away with drinking a few drinks. I knew, somehow, I was different. (But, he was not different, said the narrator in a Morgan Freeman voice.) Luckily, I was too scared of the consequences should my theory be wrong.
Finally, I decided to go all in and get a sponsor. That one decision changed the course of my sobriety, completely. Instead of just going to meetings, I was working a program, and that kept me busy. Did I still notice every liquor store on the way to meet with my sponsor? Yes. Did I still wrestle with thoughts of how I had to avoid drinking every day? Yes. But, I began to understand me better, and began to notice emotional shifts that took place right before some of my thoughts of drinking.
I learned that in my case, I most often had the urge to drink when faced with a decision I didn’t want to make or a task that I didn’t want to complete. None of these had to be life-changing events. At least once, the thought of stopping for gas on the way home from work began a struggle to not drink that ended with me at home with a nearly empty gas tank. I had to pour a gallon of gas from the can reserved for the lawnmower into my truck to make sure I could make it to a station before work the next morning.
A Taste of Freedom
Then, one weekend during a trip to the grocery store, I realized that I had walked down the wine aisle to reach the milk cooler. Even stranger, I hadn’t even paid attention to the bottles or prices of them as I walked by. I realized milk was on the list and went the most direct route to get it without any other thought.
Then, I wondered if I had thought about drinking for the last week, and I honestly couldn’t remember. I was sure I had talked about my drinking history in meetings that week. However, I couldn’t remember any powerful, almost overwhelming, urges to drink. I was mystified.
The Obsession is Broken
To this day, I cannot be sure when or how the obsession with alcohol left. One day I was thinking about drinking booze and fighting the thoughts all day long. The next day, it just didn’t occur to me to drink alcohol at all. From that point, I have never had a serious thought of drinking again. It literally doesn’t exist for me.
Since then, I have been through a divorce, buried friends and relatives, dealt with anger and anxiety, but have never thought that drinking alcohol would help in any way. I don’t really notice it in most cases. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan to test to see if I can drink safely. I do recognize when someone has a beer in his hand when he is talking to me. And, I am fully aware of the smell of booze when someone has recently had a few drinks. It is just not a part of my life any longer. My obsession with booze has been broken.
If you are reading this post and still fighting the urge to drink each day, I know exactly where you are. Keep doing what you are doing each day. It does get better. What I have found is that there is no secret formula for removing the obsession with drinking alcohol. Simply, keep staying sober, and in time, almost like magic, you will wonder why having a drink was such a big deal anyway.
Thanks for reading!
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Thanks
You are very welcome Matt! Thanks for reading!
With gratitude,
Stan, A Grateful Nut