Hindsight is NOT 20/20:
More often than not, my posts here tend to be retrospective in nature. While this is not necessarily intentional, I tend to draw inspiration from past experiences or lessons I’ve learned along my sobriety journey. Naturally, as a result, much of my writing is reflective of things that happened in my early sobriety or sobriety concepts that have become clearer with time. After all, you know what “they” say: “Hindsight is 20/20.” One thing the proverbial “they” never tell you though, is that having 20/20 doesn’t mean that everything you see will be as crisp and clear as you may think.
Moving away from the analogous connotation of the phrase, I’d like to share something with you that technically has nothing to do with sobriety. To be quite honest with you, this next part will likely be of little to no significance to you personally, nor will it affect any part of your life. However, it affects mine, and as a good friend of mine from the rooms likes to say: “While I may not be much, I am all I think about” (HA!).
Blinded by Fear:
When I was in second grade, my teacher sent my classmates and me home, with a permission slip, for our adults at home to sign and send back. Now, you might think that this permission slip was for something exciting like the scholastic book fair or a field trip, but you’d be wrong. This permission slip was for something not nearly as exciting, but debatable, for something far more important; a vision, hearing, and scoliosis screening (BORING!). Now, I don’t know if this is something that still happens in our nation’s public schools, but apparently, this was pretty common practice in those days.
I was only about 8 years old at the time, so I was still at the height of my white coat syndrome era. Doctor’s appointments were usually tear-filled and emotional chaos for both me and my dear parents in those days. Needless to say, I was not excited about the notion of taking a class trip to some strange office to be poked and prodded. To my surprise, however, this was more of a house call situation, or school call to be exact. My tune changed immediately at this thought. I mean really, what kid doesn’t want to get out of school work during class, no matter how unexciting the reason?
So, the big day came around, as my peers and I walked into our classroom our teacher immediately began with an announcement that we would be moving to the media center for the first half of the school day. Apparently, the media center was the hub for all these assessments, and screenings listed on the permission slip were to take place. We unpacked our homework, stuffed our jackets and belongings into our cubbies, and off to the media center we went.
A Game of Wait & See:
To be frank with you all, I don’t remember how long we had to wait or what our teachers did to keep us contained as each class and student waited for their turn. I do however remember my name finally being called and making my way towards the makeshift cubicles that had been erected to provide some type of patient confidentiality. I remember sitting there patiently as my assessor filled out paperwork, occasionally smiling at me, and telling me not to be nervous. (Sidenote: she was wearing something that resembled a white doctor’s coat, so I was most definitely nervous.) Once the initial paperwork was complete the exams began…
We began with a simple screening for scoliosis. There’s no non-sketchy way to describe what this screening entailed, so don’t let your brain go there. I was instructed to stand up, reach towards the sky with my arms extended high above my head, and with my arms still outstretched, reach down, and touch my toes. The nurse/doctor lady informed me that she was going to lift my shirt up just a little to inspect my spine. I guess everything looked normal because ran her gloved hand down either side of my spine, jotted down a few notes, and we were done.
Moving forward, we transitioned to the next station where she passed me off to yet another white coat-wearing nurse/doctor lady. This time there was a comfy little chair with some headphones and two corded handheld devices. The nurse/doctor lady kindly explained the procedure like it was going to be a fun little game.
Essentially I was to put the headphones on and they were going to play a series of different sounds. She said sometimes the noise would be in my left ear, other times it would be in my right ear. When I hear a noise, I should hit the button on the handheld device on the same side that I heard the sound in the headphones (Left Ear: Left Button, Right Ear: Right Button). Simple enough, so I did just that. I suppose I did just as well with that test as I had the scoliosis screening because when we were done, she jotted a couple of notes down, told me good job, and whisked me off to the next station.
Can You See It?:
With 2 out of the 3 tests out of the way, that meant there was only one thing left, the vision test. In a similar fashion to the other two ladies, this lady introduced herself, filled out some paperwork, and explained what and how we would be proceeding at her station. There was a little vision chart with a random assortment of letters in all different sizes. On the floor, there were lines of blue tape that I was instructed to stand on.
First, she told me to stand on the blue tape farthest away from the chart, keep both eyes open, and read the first several lines of the vision chart (as if anyone willingly reads without both eyes open). She jotted some notes down and then handed me a weird handheld contraption and told me to cover my left eye. She walked over to the vision chart, switched it out with a different chart with a different assortment of letters, and again, asked me to read the first several lines using only my right eye this time (weird). She jotted down a few more notes, and we repeated the process with my other eye. I finished up with that eye, and she wrote down a few more notes, glanced around the room, and signaled for one of her co-workers to come over (oh dear!).
Understand, as a second grader I may not have known what 20/20 vision was, or what was considered good versus bad in terms of visual acuity, but signaling for back-up… I knew enough to know that it wasn’t a good sign.
X2 Double Vision:
The second lady had me repeat the whole process all over again, this time from a variety of different distances from the chart. Once finished, she walked me back to her desk, began typing away at the computer, and handed me a folded note. As she handed me the folded note, she instructed me to take it home to my parents and have them schedule an appointment with the eye doctor. As an overdramatic second grader, I was immediately convinced that I was going blind. Of course, this was not the case but it is in fact the story behind how I wound up wearing glasses for astigmatism and far-sightedness in the second grade.
I really didn’t understand what either of those two words meant at the time. You might say though, that in hindsight, I didn’t have 20/20. Over the years, I wore my glasses off and on. I went to an annual vision check-up and every so often my prescription would change. It wasn’t until my latter years of high school that I really began wearing my glasses as frequently as I was supposed to.
As more time has passed, I have basically grown to wear my glasses 24/7, slowly growing more and more dependent on the visual clarity I gained from wearing them. Even more recently, however, I have grown tired and frustrated with constantly having something on my face.
Changing the View:
During the peak of COVID, I was particularly annoyed with the constant fogging as the warm air escaped my own mask and covered my lenses. Working in the yard has become increasingly more frustrating as sweat illicits constant wiping and readjusting, and driving became a debate of sunglasses versus clear vision with prescription glasses. This problem of course is a problem that is first-world in nature, but it was and has been annoying, nonetheless.
At this point in my life, I am a person who adamantly tries to live in the solution, no matter how trivial the problem may be. In the case of my not-so-20/20 vision, and irritability with wearing glasses I set my resolve to explore my options at my next annual eye appointment. The solution to my problem most likely seems obvious, and if I listen oh so carefully, I can hear many of you yelling it at me through my screen. However, it’s a little more complicated than you might think. Allow me to explain my situation, as it has been explained to me throughout the years.
Vision problems, more specifically vision problems stemming from a refractive error are quite common across the board. There are three main types of refractive error are called myopia (nearsightedness), hyperopia (farsightedness), and astigmatism.
Looking for Options:
Now, I won’t bother boring you with a statistical analysis APA format with glowing in-text citations from the most reputable of sources. However, in regard to prevalence, nearsightedness is much more common than farsightedness, and astigmatism, respectively, is the most common of them all.
Again, I won’t bore you by outlining the prevalence rates with co-occurring vision issues, or the implications of each diagnosis. Statistically speaking, you more than likely have a vision issue of your own and are well-acquainted with the information relevant to your situation. I say all that to say I have been lucky enough to have both farsightedness paired with the lovely blur of astigmatism.
For those of you who are either nearsighted or farsighted, you know that there are a few relatively easy fixes to obtain 20/20 or otherwise normal vision. In most cases, you have the option of being a full-time glasses or contacts wearer or you can opt to do a combination of both at your leisure.
In some instances, depending on eligibility, you can even opt for LASIK surgery and essentially be free of any prescription medical device. With nearsightedness or farsightedness alone, if you’re lucky enough, simply wearing glasses, contacts, or LASIK can allow you to have 20/20 vision.
This is often true for many people, IF, those people don’t have astigmatism, that is. Those, like myself, privileged enough to have astigmatism (with or without myopia or hyperopia) often struggle to reach a satisfying visual acuity with any device, be it contacts, glasses, or otherwise.
Keeping a Clear Perspective:
As it turns out, it’s even possible to have 20/20 vision, and still have astigmatism that affects visual clarity (RUDE!). This information was irrelevant to me, however, seeing that (pun intended) I don’t have 20/20 anyway. Even more unfortunate news, historically, the assertion is that glasses provide the most visual clarity of all the known interventions. Depending on the eye professional you speak with (and how long ago you spoke with them), most eyecare specialists will tell you that contacts are in fact not an option for those of us with even a slight astigmatism (love that for us).
Now, don’t get it twisted, in the grand scheme of things, there are way worse things to have than an astigmatism. I know that, but hey my minor inconveniences in life are just as valid as the next person’s. At the end of the day, wearing glasses every day for the rest of my life, isn’t exactly a dream come true. Until recently, however, I had accepted that this was likely my fate. It wasn’t until recently that I learned that the whole astigmatism rules out contacts was a myth. In light of this news, I discovered that I was in fact a candidate for contacts, and so I’m giving it a go. Day 21 with contacts and let me tell the journey has been a weird one.
Eye Didn’t See That Coming:
I share these mundane facts about my life to draw a parallel to what the journey to and through sobriety can often feel and look like (with or without 20/20 vision). See, all those years ago, prior to that vision screening at school, I had no idea that I had a problem. I mean as far as I knew I was living, learning, and seeing things the way everyone else did. How would I have known?
My early drinking days weren’t all that different. I managed to learn how to read, finish high school, hold a job, go off to college, and establish halfway decent relationships with others. Never mind the fact that like my astigmatism added a nice blurry halo to text on a page, due to my drinking, I was seeing life through a boozy haze even with prescription-strength eyeglasses. I couldn’t see how my drinking was blurring the bigger picture. In fact, It didn’t really occur to me that I had any control over my very obviously not 20/20 vision. I truly was high functioning at rock bottom in those days.
It wasn’t until I found others who were once drunks like me living a fuller more crisp and vibrant life did, I came to realize I had a problem. In this case, like my first pair of glasses in the second grade, someone had taken the booze goggles off and given them an opportunity to see things through a different lens; a sober lens. Now displaying this spectacular improvement to their vision, perhaps even a 20/20 outlook on life, I wanted what they had but I wasn’t quite sure that was possible for someone like me.
Staying Optometrist-ic!:
Similarly, to how my glasses in real life were no longer cutting it for the lifestyle I wanted to live, I was ready to try something different than navigating through life in a fuzzy veil of drunkenness. I went to the professionals and those with hands-on lived experience [poor Stan]. I was ready for something different, both literally and metaphorically. So, I asked about trying contacts.
Stay with me here, this is where the analogy and reality start to morph together. As someone who got used to seeing things and living in a certain way, I can honestly say that contacts were and still are a bit of an adjustment. Sure, to people who have been wearing contacts for years, the switch is no big deal. Perhaps to veteran contact wearers and sober folks, “contacts” are insignificant, the new normal even.
To me, however, a veteran glasses wearer and a practiced boozehound, both the transition to contacts and sobriety have been uncomfortable and awkward as hell. If you’re tracking this, understand that what I’m talking about is literally and figuratively poking your finger in your eye on a daily basis. Randomly throughout the transition, your eyes go from watery to dry, it doesn’t always take to you right away, and sometimes you can figure out what the hell you’re doing wrong.
Other times it comes easier, you can see clearly, and it’s like you don’t even remember what it was like before. It’s definitely a learning process all the way around, it takes time to adjust, and perfection is not a guarantee.
It’s day 21 of contacts and year 5 of sobriety for me, and despite all the ups and downs and all I still must learn, I much prefer this side of life. I may never get that 20/20 vision that others seem to have naturally or supplemented to them through assistive means, but I can more clearly see the bigger picture now, and my god is it beautiful.
