There’s a saying among those of us in the recovery community, “Two sickies don’t make a welly!” Though I haven’t heard it mentioned in quite some time, it is so silly sounding I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget it. The saying, of course, is in reference to dating in early sobriety.
Now the specific phrase I believe was coined as a warning against newcomers dating newcomers, but the long-standing suggestion of remaining abstinent from any new romantic relationship will be the focus of this post today.
Before you roll your eyes in annoyance or exit your browser hear me out… I’m not here to tell you or anyone else what they should or should not be doing with their life. As always, I’d simply like to share my own experience, strength, and hope… and perhaps a few suggestions if you’ll allow me to do so.
Before I go any further, I want to get something out in the open. I’m all about being honest today, it’s a huge part of what keeps me sober. So, with that being said, just know that when it comes to dating in early sobriety, I’m kind of a hypocrite… but hey, admitting you have a problem is the first step right? (HA!)
A lot of people have a lot of opinions on a lot of different things. I have always been told that opinions are like a$$holes; everyone has them, and they all stink. (Gross, I know.)
While it’s not a theory I’m interested in testing, it’s mostly true if I had to venture a guess. All I mean to say is take everything here with a grain of salt, if you find it helpful great! If not, you won’t be hurting my feelings in the slightest.
Let’s cut to the chase and get right to it then, shall we? Dating in early recovery. The dos and don’ts, when you should, if you shouldn’t, and everything in between.
“Is Dating in Early Recovery Okay?“
Ultimately the answer to this question is up to you, but generally speaking, it’s not recommended. Most people I know in recovery strongly “suggest” NOT getting romantically involved with anyone within the first year of sobriety.
The idea behind this “suggestion” is that for most of us, early sobriety is already chaotic enough as it is. Between the emotional rollercoaster, cravings, triggers, and the messy progress of rebuilding our own lives in sobriety, adding someone else into the mix is largely unhelpful. I mean best case scenario you beat the odds and build a healthy relationship conducive to your recovery, worst case scenario you end up struggling to stay dry in the deep end.
Not to mention many of us (alcoholics/addicts) take on one of two roles (if not both) in a relationship. We are either caretakers or manipulators.
Harsh but true, for one reason or another, we oftentimes don’t know how to have a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship with another human. Many of us have bad taste and enter a relationship with a toxic partner, or sometimes we find that we are the toxic partner. Hence, giving sobriety some time to work its magic in our lives is strongly suggested prior to dating in early recovery.
“What if I’m Already in a Relationship?“
Again, to each their own on this one, but here’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Some folks would say, it doesn’t matter, take the first year away from the relationship to focus on you. For more reasons than one this is a potentially problematic and unrealistic suggestion for some.
Others might say, don’t make any major changes in your life. IF you’re already in a serious relationship, stick with it. Again, this is potentially problematic for anyone who might be in a relationship with someone who is actively using/drinking, abusive, and/or unsupportive of your efforts to get sober.
My thoughts on the matter are unoriginal; “to thine own self be true.” Realistically speaking, deep down you probably already have a gut feeling as to what you should do if you’re currently in this situation.
If the relationship in question is a) mostly healthy and b) fairly serious, consider having an honest and open conversation with your partner.
If some time away is what you feel is best for you and your sobriety, then arrange to make the necessary adjustments for your situation. If staying together is the best option for you and your partner, discuss any concerns or changes that may take place during this phase of the relationship. Ultimately, there is no one right answer. No one size fits all solution that works for everyone.
A Sober Hypocrite:
Remember earlier when I said I was a bit of a sober hypocrite on this subject? Well, I feel I owe you a bit of explanation. It’s no secret by now that Stan, my husband, fellow Grateful Nut, and better half is also in recovery.
This year, on our joint sober date and wedding anniversary Stan will be celebrating 9 years in sobriety. Meanwhile, I will only have 5 years.
Now one could speculate that perhaps we met or started dating when I had one year and he had 5. While I could let that assumption ride and claim that you came to that conclusion all on your own, I’d like to be honest and upfront.
I absolutely, without any doubt or contest, did not wait before dating in early recovery. I didn’t follow the suggestions on this subject in the slightest, in fact, I was less than 30 days sober before Stan and I become “involved”.
Haters Beware:
Before an internet war starts in the comment section, please know that no hateful, rude, or untoward comments towards Stan or myself will be tolerated.
For those of you who have been hanging out with us a while I seriously doubt any ish would be slung our way, but just in case anyone new is popping by, this post might be a bit of a jarring introduction to our community.
Just know that we acknowledge that we each have a right to our own opinions and beliefs, but any personal attacks are unnecessary.
Back To My Hypocrisy:
Where was I? Oh right, me not following suggestions! Surprise surprise, an alcoholic who wants to play by her own rules. Yep, that was me alright.
Less than 30 days sober, I began dating in my early recovery. As one would expect, plenty of people had something to say about the budding relationship Stan and I shared.
The easiest point of attack was of course the 27-year age gap between us, that one was/is pretty obvious to most. The second and slightly more relevant point of contention was the difference in our recovery time, and the third argument, of course, was that I wasn’t nearly far enough along in sobriety to be dating regardless of the first two justifications.
I say attack because if I’m being honest, that’s essentially what happened. For a period of time, in different ways, both Stan and I were ostracized at our 12-step home group.
I was shamed, berated, and lectured repeatedly, and Stan was shunned, ignored, and blacklisted for a while. We were the talk of many backroom meetings and front porch gossip sessions so to speak.
While I genuinely believe that all the drama was mainly out of concern initially, it quickly got out of hand and things got messy before it all blew over.
Lessons Learned:
Looking back, there are a few takeaways that I was able to glean from my experiences dating in early recovery.
First and foremost, is that dating in early recovery is messy for one reason or another. Whether the nature of the relationship itself is consumed by chaos from the start, or chaos ensues as a result of others’ opinions towards the relationship… it can get messy.
Secondly, I discovered that with priorities in check and honest intentions, dating in early recovery is not destined to be doomed. It can work in some situations for some people.
Had I not been dead set and determined to stay sober, the complications of dating in early sobriety and the drama that ensued as a result, a relapse would not have been shocking to anyone.
In my case, I knew that I had to stay sober no matter what. Luckily, I had a few good supportive friends in the program who opted to remain neutral, Stan himself vowed that he would not allow himself to interfere with my staying sober, and I kept sobriety my first priority above all else. Was it easy? Hell no! Did it work out for me? I’d say so yeah.
Take My Advice I’m Not Using It:
I’ve never been a fan of the whole “do as I say, not as I do” thing, so I’m not even going to go there. However, not that anyone asked, but if I had to give a solid answer to the question of whether dating in early recovery is a good idea or not? I’d have to say no and here’s why:
- Life is messy.
- Dating is messy.
- Sobriety is messy
What do you get when you combine all of those things together? I’ll tell ya. You get a whirlwind of a shit show that makes that creepy tunnel from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory look like a lazy river on old folks’ day at the local water park.
In short, my advice; try to avoid dating in early sobriety. It makes everything far more complex than it has to be. I honestly say that with all the love in the world for Stan and zero regrets regarding our marriage or relationship, but y’all, it was no cakewalk getting to where we are today.
A year of your life to focus on living sober without added complications, what a dream! If I could go back and change it, I’m not sure that I would, but I also can’t say with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t change anything about those first few months of dating in early recovery.
Do’s and Don’ts:
I know I know, what a waste of perfectly good keystrokes right? We all know that you’re going to do whatever it is you set out to do regardless of what “suggestions” anyone gives. I get, after all I was the exact same way!
As a last-ditch effort to save you some heartache here are a few of my do’s and don’t as a sober hypocrite who decided dating in sobriety was worth a shot.
Do’s:
- Do prioritize your sobriety.
- Do be honest and straightforward with your partner.
- Do attend meetings/therapy/support groups etc. that help you stay sober.
- Do have a strong sober support network.
- Do know who/what/when to call if you start getting squirrely.
Don’ts:
- Don’t think that a relationship can keep you sober.
- Don’t sacrifice your sober self-care to spend time with your partner.
- Don’t stay in the relationship if your partner is unsupportive, encourages you to drink/skip meetings/therapy/etc.
- Don’t allow a relationship to interfere with your sober journey.
- Don’t believe that just because you are growing/changing that your partner should make the same changes you are.
When it’s all said and done, dating in early sobriety isn’t a definite go or a steadfast no. Like anything else in life or sobriety, you have to decide what works best for you. In my measly 4 1/2 years of sobriety, I’ve heard just as many success stories as I have horror stories. While the latter tends to circulate more predominantly than the former; perhaps it’s to serve as a warning of sorts.
If you find yourself asking, “Should I be dating in early recovery?” You should consider the pros and cons. If you put in the inner work and are lucky like me you end up a wife. If you’re not as lucky it could potentially cost you your life. The risk is yours to take if and when you decide to enter the dating game.
