It’s been a hell of a month this week… I was the lucky recipient of A Field Sobriety Test!
A Whirlwind of Events:
As some of you may already know, Stan and I have had a lot going on here lately. We’ve had family emergencies galore seems like, and life keeps coming up with all new types of curveballs to throw our way. It’s not a complaint so much as it is a statement of truth. When you are alive, life happens. It’s kind of the nature of the beast.
With that being said, I know that most of my posts are typically lighthearted, witty, sarcastic, and almost retrospective as it relates to the overall theme of the recovery message I write about. I’ll be honest, I can’t promise that this week. I can’t promise it won’t be what you’re used to, but I’m also making absolutely no guarantees. You’ve been warned.
Sober Anniversary:
As of yesterday, December 14th, 2022, I have been sober for 4 years. Saying that out loud, or writing it rather, elicits an out-of-body type feeling within me. Honestly, I can’t tell whether the past 4 years have flown by, or slowly oozed by like molasses from a glass jar in the winter. I guess at different times, both are true.
In any case, yes, it’s been an entire 4 years, and a lot has happened since then. I’ve gotten a job, an apartment, re-enrolled in college, changed jobs, got engaged, got a house, got married, traveled overseas, started a blog and learned how to drive a manual transmission motor vehicle.
While none of those things technically have anything to do with me being sober, in all actuality, they have EVERYTHING to do with me being sober. If you’re in recovery, you know exactly what I mean, and if you’re not, well it’s fairly straightforward if you mull it over for a second.
A Little Shade on the Early Days:
Now everyone finds, maintains, and takes care of their sobriety differently, and there’s no shame in how anyone chooses to recover. So, this next part is exclusively about me and my sobriety, with a teensy bit of shade thrown at Bill and Dr. Bob.
In the good ole days of early AA, there were a lot of myths and misconceptions about alcoholics, addiction, and recovery. Now I know that as a society, we’ve grown immensely in our understanding of addictive diseases, and how to treat them, however, back in the days of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob there was also a fair amount of fuckery that ensued. Allow me to explain.
The Detox Diet:
In the biography that follows the life of one of the founders of AA, Dr. Bob, and The Good Ole Timers, there were several tricks, tips, and techniques that were implemented in an attempt to help alcoholics achieve their sobriety. Some of the strategies mentioned are quite intuitive, and progressive for the time period in which they were placed. Other approaches were a bit laughable, even for the time. In any case, one of Stan’s personal favorites is the tomatoes and sauerkraut tactic.
This technique consisted of exactly what you might think. As alcoholics entered into treatment for their addiction, it was suggested, that a valium taper be prescribed. In addition to the valium tape, a tactic I might mention is still used today, the detoxing patient would also be placed on a strict diet of canned tomatoes and canned sauerkraut. I know… gross, right? Now, however silly that may seem, there was some scientific thought behind this idea. In theory, such a diet would help the patient to replenish the vitamins, minerals, and electrolytes they had robbed their body of while in active addiction. Personally, I am incredibly grateful that this diet was improved upon prior to my stint in treatment.
The At-Home Sobriety Test:
In the earliest days of helping other alcoholics, Bill and Dr. Bob created an obviously foolproof at-home test for their sobriety. Ready for it?
Their grand plan was to place two ½ gallons of bourbon on the kitchen counter of their shared home. The idea was that having the temptation to drink, right there in front of them, would help strengthen their resolve to stay sober.
I’m not saying that I don’t struggle with pride, arrogance or humility. I mean for crying out loud, I wrote an entire post titled, “It’s Hard to Be Humble”, but come on! Tell me in what universe is it a good idea to have any amount of liquor in the home of two, newly sober, alcoholics? I digress…
What About Me?
I say all that to say, I’m not big on putting my sobriety to the test. I don’t see any reason for it. I don’t like to test the limits on how long I can go without a meeting, or taste test non-alcoholic spirits to see how close they come to the “real” thing, it’s just not for me. Sure, I’ve been around alcohol since getting sober. Honestly, if you wanted to get technical with it, I have even purchased alcoholic drinks, for other people, since getting sober.
I have been to several drinking events and parties. This alcoholic has even walked into several Irish pubs, sports bars, friends’ weddings, and family funerals. You name it, I’ve probably done it sober. I have been there, done that, and luckily, never had to pick up a white chip as a result.
I guess, the point for me is, as Stan mentions in his post “12 Tips At Christmas”, I had legitimate reasons to be at each one of those proceedings. I didn’t participate in these events to “test” my sobriety, or to see if I was tempted to drink. As a matter of fact, in most cases, it never even occurred to me that I should be concerned about the presence of alcohol. If it was a “sobriety test”, it was entirely unplanned, unnoticed, and unscripted.
Taking One for the Team:
So, the super fun thing about being sober is that I get to “live life on life’s terms”. For the record, I really hate that particular saying. Living life on life’s terms essentially means that in life, shit happens, and you have to accept it for whatever and however, it is. As I said, I hate it. So, while I am not the type to artfully formulate elaborate “tests” for my sobriety, life has no problem taking one for the team, and conjuring up some sobriety tests of her own.
If you’ve been following our social media pages over the past week or so, you probably noticed a few announcements or updates regarding the family emergencies we’ve been facing. Without divulging too many details, I wanted to unpack, just a little bit, of what’s been going on.
Family Matters
As many of you know or have learned from the “Our Story” page of our site, Stan and I are a blended family. What that means for us, is that Stan has children from a previous marriage. Stan’s sons, which will remain unnamed, are both college-age “adult” children. They both attend a fairly well-known university just a few hours away, in Athens, Georgia. Both boys are insanely tall, incredibly intelligent, and extremely introverted human beings. They’re great kids, really, they are.
The unfortunate part about them, or their situation, rather is that they were raised in a home where addiction and mental illness was a part of their everyday life. No matter how hard parents try to do the right thing, no matter how hard parents try to shield their children from the “bad stuff”, children are always affected. Stan’s children are no exception to this rule.
As an adult child raised in a toxic home environment myself, I know what that looks and feels like. Furthermore, as the now spouse, of a parent who contributed to a toxic home environment, the opportunity to see those effects unfold in real time has been trusted upon me. Eventually, it all comes crumbling down, and that’s how I wound up in Athens, face to face with my husband’s ex-wife, for the first time, this weekend.
The “Other” Woman:
Well, face-to-face isn’t really the right way to explain that. Perhaps chest-to-chest? No, that doesn’t sound right either… She hugged me okay! That’s what happened. Never in my life, as “the other woman”, did I expect to be hugged by Stan’s ex-wife. Nevertheless, here I am.
In all honesty, this is all something I am still trying to process, I haven’t gotten very far, and I’m still at a loss, in case that isn’t abundantly clear. In any case, imagine the awkwardness, tension, questions, and whirlwind of emotion this situation entailed. Are you picturing it? Okay, great, now add about 10,000+ more emotions to that equation; because not only are she and I meeting for the very first time, but we’re only meeting because her youngest son is having a mental health crisis. How fortunate are the circumstances right?
Working Together:
Sobriety has changed me. If you’re sober or even remotely considering getting sober, you should jot that down. You can fight it all you want, but sobriety will radically change you in ways you could never imagine. If you would have asked me, 4 years ago, if I thought I would ever be happy to be married, to a man with 2 children, struggling with mental health challenges, and actively working with he and his ex-wife to help a child who will never look at me as a parental figure, my answer would have been an immediate HELL NO! Yet, somehow, here we are.
Let me be clear, as I’ve mentioned before in previous posts, “I have a Thinking Problem” and oftentimes “First Thought Wrong” is a safe position for me to take, especially in times of high emotional stress. So please excuse me when I say, in the first several moments of meeting Stan’s ex I was incessantly wondering, “is this a test?”
Testing My Principles:
Finally, the conclusion I have come to after an initial cooling-off period of 24 hours, is that yes, this whole process, is in fact, a test. It’s not one I planned for, instigated, or prepared for, but it is a test nonetheless. A field test of my principles, my program, and my overall progress in recovery.
In the 12-Step program I attend, we have what is known as “The Three Legacies of AA”, those legacies are referred to as Unity, Service, and Recovery.
Over the past 7 days, Stan and I have laughed, cried, brainstormed, dined with, problem-solved, and conversed on the phone with his ex-wife on several different occasions. I have been witness to and experienced every possible emotion from every possible angle multiple times a day in a multitude of different ways.
At different times I felt angry, insecure, scared, intimidated, confused, jealous, sad, happy, excited, and on multiple occasions, I experienced some ridiculous compilation of all those feelings and more at the same time. It was a lot. Furthermore, I wanted to ensure that regardless of what or how I was feeling, that I kept the main goal of the weekend at the forefront of all my thoughts, actions, and intentions.
That goal was, of course, to help them, help their child in whatever way I could. Sometimes that meant providing insight, suggestions, and support, other times that meant shutting up, stepping back, and excusing myself entirely.
I had to remember, none of this, was about me. That’s not an easy thing to do, maybe it should be, but it’s really just not.
Sobriety Test #1:
Out of the many tests this weekend, this one, quite possibly, yielded the coolest results in my book. Prior to ever even arriving in Athens, there were several phone calls between the two parental groups. Stan was the primary gatherer of information regarding the mental health status of the boy, the ex-wife was the primary organizer and planner for the weekend’s events, and I pitched in where I could as the gatherer of information and resources for possible solutions as it related to the situation at hand.
In that first phone call, you could cut the tension with a knife. Due to the various levels of awkwardness with the situation at hand, we didn’t really know where to start. There were a lot of long pauses, awkward chuckles, racing thoughts, and scattered introductions. Slowly, as we all warmed to the idea that we were all in this together, the tension started to ease, for the most part. In seemingly no time at all, we all started to become more open and honest with each other. Ideas started flowing, solutions started forming, and plans were made.
Sure, not everything was or will continue to be smooth sailing; I’m sure that at some point if not already, toes will be stepped on, feelings will be hurt, and amends will surely need to be made. However, most importantly, we’re all here. We’re all talking, working together, and doing our best to put our own selfish natures aside and work towards the common goal of helping their son. We’re in this, for better or worse, together. (Unity)
Sobriety Test #2:
First and foremost, as previously mentioned we all were there for a singular common goal: to help the boy. Having this shared goal is perhaps the only thing that could have ever brought all of us together in this manner. Helping him, supporting him, and getting him the resources he needed was the only reason any of us were there to begin with. This of course would prove to be the ultimate test to all of our resolve to work together amicably.
It was nerve-wracking every moment leading up to the first introduction. Would we all be able to work together? Would we be able to put aside any past animosity? How would this whole weekend go down? What if it all falls apart? What if we can’t all pull it together long enough to help? What if we make this entire situation worse? There was so much going through my mind that it’s amazing that I didn’t chicken out altogether. I was determined to pass this test, I would not make this about me and my fears. I was resolute in the fact that this is perhaps the one thing in my entire life, I would not manage to make about myself. After quieting my thoughts, the only question that rang clearly in my mind was: “How can I help?” (Service)
Sobriety Test #3:
Honestly, seeing her and watching the two of them together wasn’t anywhere close to the hardest thing about the weekend. Sure, it was difficult, and there were so many emotions to process, but it was the fleeting moments of calm and stillness that got to me the most. Those moments where nothing is left but to think the thoughts that my brain couldn’t dismiss.
Thoughts like the fact that I’ll never be the first person my husband wanted to spend the rest of his life with, the grief that comes with knowing I will never have the connection they share through their children, the selfish frustration that comes with having to be in this situation at all, just to name a few examples. Those dark thoughts, the ones that keep cropping up no matter how hard you try to stuff them down. After a few deep breaths, the overwhelming feeling that came over me was “I’m grateful for the presence of mind to live in the solution.” (Recovery)
Unfinished Business:
As with anything in life, everything about this situation is a work in progress. We have no concrete answers to anything, no steadfast solution to stand on, and no clear pathway to a nice neat ending. There is still so much work to be done, both within me and for the situation that we’re all working through in this phase of our development. The only decisive conclusion I have been able to come to is that I am so grateful that both Stan and I can be sober through each step of this process.
I am so grateful to each and every one of you who have followed us on this journey so far. Your patience, support, encouragement, and kind words mean more than we will ever be able to repay you for. Please continue to be patient with us as we navigate these next few days, weeks, and months ahead. We are working tirelessly to do the next right thing, and take things one day at a time. We will continue as consistently as we can with our daily posts on social media, and our twice-weekly posts here on the blog. Rest assured we will do our best to keep you all in the loop when appropriate with any updates on our situation, or any changes in content scheduling.
Lastly, whether on your own terms or as life dictates, tests to your sobriety will come your way. These so called sobriety tests don’t have to be life-altering or catastrophic in nature, they don’t have to be recovery-ending or even relapse-provoking. They’re just tests. You’ve already done the work, you have suited up and showed up for your sobriety so far. Don’t forget how far you have come. When all else fails, remember that you have already survived 100% of your worst days, and there is no problem, whatsoever, that a drink won’t make worse.
Thanks for reading! Please like, share, and comment below.
