Estimated read time: 9 min
After being medically detoxed so that I could safely live without needing to drink, spending more than 40 days in a treatment center learning about my disease, and spending more than three months attending two AA meetings per day, I suddenly had a thought that crept to the back of my mind and settled there: What if I– really, and truly–am not an alcoholic?
For some in recovery, the possibility of not being an addict is an elusive dream that leads to relapse after relapse. I have had friends and sponsees, who contrary to every bit of evidence they had in their possession, were sure that somehow, someway, this time they would be able to control their use. And, that has never so far been true.
If you are currently in recovery and hoping that something in this story will confirm your suspicions that you can once again drink with impunity, you are reading the wrong blog. I have literally no experience to share in that respect. If you are starting out and in recovery and think you may have jumped the gun on declaring yourself an alcoholic, I know exactly where you are. I was completely sure I had done the same thing.
Being an alcoholic is something that could never happen to a nice guy like me…
In those early months, on the outside, I appeared to be fully in the recovery scene. I didn’t try to figure out ways to drink with no one noticing. I attended every meeting I could in the small South Georgia town in which I lived. I had three temporary sponsors in my AA home group, and I was in the process of finding a permanent one. If you stood close to me, you could smell recovery. Yet, here I was wondering if I truly was what I said I was every time I spoke at a meeting.
I started looking around the rooms and listening to others’ shares a little more closely. There were men and women who were sharing stories of being arrested and jailed. I had never been to jail for drinking or any other reason. Hell, I had never been in handcuffs for that matter. There were several people who would begin stories with, “On my third trip to rehab….”
I had been in treatment once and was planning to never return. But that creeping thought still kept creeping. I also heard other people talk about how they were addicted to drugs and alcohol at the same time. Again, not me at all. I was rather a wimpy drinker compared to many people in recovery whom I had met. There was an 87-year-old woman who could drink me under the table on my best night. I also found that I had support for my theory that I was not really an alcoholic right smack dab in the Big Book.
On pages 20-21 of the Big Book there are descriptions of three types of drinkers. My description I hoped is the one of a heavy drinker. “If a sufficiently strong reason – ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor – becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.”
The phrase “heavy drinker” had been the target of my dreams when I first picked up a Big Book while I was pumped full of detox meds. And, the word that stuck out further than this type of drinker “may even need medical treatment” was MODERATE, which every as good alcoholic knows means another chance to drink! It was all in black and white. I was not an alcoholic, just a heavy drinker who needed help to moderate (i.e. Drink just a little less than around the clock). I was absolutely sure that this was the case and began planning when it would be safe for me to drink. I decided that when I had enough cash on hand to pay for another trip to treatment should my thinking be flawed; I could try out drinking and see what happened. I was soooo happy with my secret goal. And that goal was soooooo impossibly unrealistic, that thankfully, I’m alive today. For more on that check out the blog, It’s Not About the Money.
I still went to meetings and listened to people I once considered necessary for my survival, reveal themselves as wrinkled, old fuddy-duddies who prattled on about their alcoholic pasts. I was more and more certain I would never really know anything about pasts like that. I kept listening and looking for ways I was different. My wife wrote a wonderful piece about this affliction. Some of you can probably already see what is coming. I was in desperate need of ego deflation. And, who better to deflate an ego than my sponsor.
I espoused my honest belief to my sponsor one day and he got a huge grin across his face. “Sounds like you are a man in the most dire need of a drink of any I have ever met. I think you should try it.”
I began back tracking immediately. I didn’t yet have the money to try it, and if I was wrong there did exist the possibility it might kill me. Seeing the fear in my eyes and color draining out of my face, my sponsor then said that if I didn’t want to test my belief by drinking again, he had a test that would answer my question, once and for all, if I would be honest as I took it. I agreed. I had taken about 50 online tests and proved I was not an alcoholic on every one. Of course, I lied on every question so there was that little hiccup. But, I knew I would be fine this time. Heavy drinker here I come!
The test as I remember it had about 25 multiple-choice and true or false questions. I made it precisely to question three before I had scored high enough to be an alcoholic. My sponsor got a good laugh, and I felt my ego shrink back to where it could fit inside me. We talked a little more that day about remembering that I am not unique. I am totally different just like everyone else.
Before I left he reminded me that I am a pretty smart guy, which has a lot of advantages. But there is one big disadvantage. He asked me if I had passed a large cemetery on the way to his house, which I had. “Stop your car there on the way back, get out and walk among the graves. In that grave yard there are a bunch of people who are a lot smarter than we are, and they died young because they were too smart to get sober.”
I would like to say with this experience I realized once and for all that I was an alcoholic. But I am a slow learner. I did learn that just because I had not experienced the hazards of alcoholism that others had, does not mean it would be a good idea for me to start drinking again. I am in a lot of ways a YET alcoholic. I have not been to jail, yet. I have not killed anyone while driving drunk, yet. I don’t have cirrhosis of the liver, yet. In these cases, YET means You’re Entitled, Too. I can always get those consequences at some point, if I choose to continue drinking. Still that was not enough for me.
At some point, I finally came to the conclusion that if I am not an alcoholic, and I never take another drink for the rest of my life, there is no harm done. I get to come to meetings and hang out with people who I respect and like (Amazing how wonderful these fuddy-duddies became when my attitude changed.) Whether or not I’m an alcoholic, I have learned to be a better person and think of others more often than before. Just by practicing a 12-step program I feel more at peace each day, and truly enjoy helping others. And, I get free coffee at least two or three nights a week. Not a bad deal at all.
However, if I decide that I am not an alcoholic and start drinking again and find out I am wrong there is no guarantee that I will be able to get sober. I could spend the rest of my days bouncing from hospital to treatment center to jail cell, as so many of us do. I could literally drink myself to death always wondering why I chose to pick up the bottle one more time.
I have heard of people who really wanted to be alcoholics but were not. Some of them spent a year or two coming to 12-step programs and learning all they could just to discover a different program was more suited to their needs. I never wonder any more whether I am one of those people. I have learned that I am a better person when I am sober, and honestly, that is all that matters to me.
Thanks for reading! Please like, share, and comment below.
Maybe you aren’t an alcoholic, maybe you’re just a regular person. A “normal drinker” just taking a healthy inventory of your relationship with alcohol. If so, check out This Naked Mind blog author Anna Grace’s post, “Have You Ever Wondered If You Are A Normal Drinker”.
