Stressed and Depressed for the Holidays

As an employed college student, wife, daughter, dog-mom, and recovering alcoholic, the month of December can be… A lot. If the past 24 years of my life have taught me anything at all, it’s that I’m not alone in this sentiment. In fact, I am rarely alone in any thought, feeling, or emotion I experience. So, while I can only share from my own point of reference, from my own personal experiences, I am not writing this for myself. I’m writing this for US. Let’s talk about holiday stress.

The holidays are a busy, magical, overwhelming, expensive, and delightful time of the year all at once. In my life, specifically, the month of December always hits the ground running. Whether it’s the winding down of the semester with final exams, the celebration of my sobriety birthday, wedding anniversary, navigating holiday schedules at work, Christmas shopping, or like most years, ALL of the above, I get tired. Better yet, I get tired of being tired.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy this time of year (mostly). I like the holiday cheer, the sparkly lights, and the beautiful presents placed beneath the glistening tree. I even like the wrapping up of the year’s events, the feeling of completing another semester that takes me one step closer to a finished degree. I get excited about family gatherings, the settling in of cold winter temperatures, and the coziness of a home filled with the aroma of holiday-scented candles. I don’t hate the holidays, I especially don’t hate Christmas. It’s just… complicated.

What’s so funny about it all, and yes I do mean funny “HAHA,” and not “funny” in the ironic sense, is that I can feel it happening. I can feel it happening and still can’t stop it. This isn’t my first rodeo. It’s not even my second or third time around this particular arena, so what’s the deal?

For me, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of it all, checking off items on a “To-Do” list and forgetting to take care of myself. It seems to happen at least once or twice every year, especially around the holidays. Welp… it’s happened again. At this moment, I find that I am stressed, depressed, and unimpressed.

What do I mean by that? In channeling my inner Elyse Myers, I’ll just say, “Great question. I would love to tell you!.”

Stressed?

When I say I’m stressed, that’s exactly what I mean. In educated human terms, and according to Webster’s dictionary, I am “experiencing mental and/or emotional strain or tension.” Let’s see, work, school, family, holidays, self-care, mental health diagnosis, recovering alcoholics… yeah, I’d say that can cause some mental/emotional tension at times.

Depressed?

Yeah, I have a touch of that, too. Depression, like stress and anxiety, is not something I’ve found the cure for (yet). Depressive episodes sneak up on me like the summer heat does where I live in South Georgia. Everything will seem calm, cool, and collected, new opportunities budding, flowers blooming, the frost thawing, birds singing, and BOOM!  A heat wave of 100° sadness, lack of motivation, and exhaustion hits, seemingly out of nowhere. Just days after I’m on top of the world wanting to do everything, suddenly, all I want is to do nothing.

Unimpressed?

This part is perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the whole process for me. I’ve been sober and actively working on my mental health for a solid 4 years now.

Intellectually, I know that recovery isn’t linear and that perfection isn’t attainable. I know that. I really do. Somehow, it doesn’t make me feel better when I’m in the depths of it though. After all the work I’ve put in, the steps I’ve taken, the appointments I’ve attended, the knowledge I’ve gained, and the progress I’ve made; I still can’t stop my brain from sabotaging me. That sucks.

I feel like I should be farther along than I am with my recovery. I want to reach a point where I don’t sweat the small stuff. Where I remain unbothered by the curveballs life (my brain) throws my way, but I’m not. I want to be untouchable, unshakeable… immune to struggle. I’m not.

So, after some help in bringing myself back down to Earth, I’ve spent some time reflecting, processing, and yes, talking it out with those in my support network. Here’s what I found, maybe it’ll be helpful to you too.

I’m Normal:

Now the term “normal” and I have a love-hate relationship, as I’m under the impression that “normal is just a setting on a washing machine,” and I (for all intents and purposes) am not a home appliance.

However, the most important thing for me to be aware of when I’m feeling stressed is that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s “normal” even (whatever that is). For better or worse, stress is a normal part of human existence, and last I checked, I am, in fact, human.

Awareness Isn’t Nothing:

Secondly, awareness is key. The very fact that today, I can identify and communicate how I’m feeling (even if all I can verbalize repeatedly to my husband is, “I’m stressed,”) is lightyears ahead of where I was just a few short years ago when I was drowning my feelings with a bottle. Knowing that I’m struggling is an important part of the process.

Picking Up a Feather:

Ironically enough, I wrote a post about this earlier this year. When I first started my recovery journey, a good friend told me to put down the bat and pick up a feather. Unfortunately, that friend has passed away, and I have had to pick up the responsibility of reminding myself of this vital practice.

Recovery, the way it’s been presented to me, is about progress NOT perfection. Berating, belittling, and beating myself up about not being where I’d like to be at in this phase of my recovery is pointless. It doesn’t help to shame myself, or to invalidate the progress I have made thus far. It’s not productive for boosting me out of this low spot, or navigating my way through this period of “blah-ness”.

When I feel like this, I need to put down the bat, and pick up a feather. I need to be gentle with myself, offer myself some grace, and allow myself to feel ALL the feelings, no matter how difficult they may be. A feather is a much softer, gentler standard for accepting the things that are in my control and letting go of the things that are not. Most importantly, it allows me the time and space to remember that sometimes: it’s okay, not to be okay.

So, Now What?

Like I said before, I don’t have the cure for seasonal depression, stress, or even the guilt and shame that often come along with having a diagnosis. What I do have is the knowledge, resources, and power to sift my way through the hard times.

I could spout off some pseudo-inspirational quotes or end with some toxic positivity, but that has never proven helpful for me. Instead, I’d just like to say that I hear you, I see you, and I am with you. Embrace the suck, feel all the feelings, and hang in there with me. We will get through this, it doesn’t stay like this forever.

Okay… so maybe that did give some pseudo-inspirational vibes, but it’s true. After all, if you know me, even a little, you know that I am a bit of a nut, but I’m grateful for it, and that’s what counts.

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