Don’t Even Get Me Started…
One of the latest pet peeves of mine is the self-checkout line. I’m old-school (and yes, just plain old), and I enjoy the idle chit-chat that takes place when I take whatever I am buying to a cashier and talk for the two or three minutes it takes to scan my items and bag them.
Against my will, I’ve finally accepted that going to Wal-Mart means hitting the self-service lanes. There are rarely enough cashiers available for the number of patrons, and standing in line for 45 extra minutes for three minutes of conversation is a waste.
Now, they have added these self-serve machines at local convenience stores, which makes absolutely no sense. Pay-at-the-pump, I get. Forcing me to scan my own items inside the store while a cashier looks on? Why? They are literally standing there waiting to help. And to be fair, in my experience, the “former” cashiers want to help but are no longer sure how to be helpful.
Story Time:
Yesterday, for instance, I was in line behind a grandmother whose two grandkids were more than ready to be home. The grandmother tried to get the cashier to help her pay for her items “traditionally.” First, she explained that she was not skilled at scanning her own items. Then, she explained that there was no room on the counter for the snacks and drinks she brought to the counter to pay for.
Instead of helping the grandmother, the cashier repeatedly tried to guide her through the process of self-checkout while the line grew behind the woman and my cold Coca-Cola turned lukewarm…
Flustered, the woman repeatedly apologized to the other customers as she double-scanned items that had to be passed to the cashier to be deleted from the bill. The grandkids needed to get to the bathroom, but needed help, which added more pressure to the grandmother to hurry.
That led to more double or triple-scanning of items. The grandmother kept passing items to the cashier that had been double scanned. The cashier kept telling the grandmother it was fine. But, it clearly was not. Finally, the grandmother made her purchase. Then, moved all of her items to a second cash register that was waiting to be used by a cashier and was given a bag to bag her items.
As I stood there, watching the ordeal, and secretly wondering if I should trade my Coca-Cola for a colder one, it dawned on me. The cashier was acting like so many of the people who are trying to help alcoholics and addicts get sober. The person in active addiction is asking for help, but the “helpers” aren’t helping. The helpers are profoundly making things worse because they simply do not know how to help.
The Myth:
A perfect example of this is the often-quoted sentiment that: “Addicts and Alcohols have to hit rock bottom before they can get help.”
This one statement accomplishes two objectives at the same time. First, it absolves anyone who tries to help a person in the throes of addiction and it also absolves those who turn a blind eye. If I reach out to help someone get sober, and they don’t make it, then I did the best I could. They haven’t hit bottom yet and aren’t desperate enough. I can take comfort in knowing that I did my best, but they simply were “not ready.”
If I don’t reach out, I can be self-assured that when they hit bottom, they will ask for help. As we all know alcoholics and addicts always ask for help (He typed sarcastically). We don’t. Even when we are perfectly sure that we can’t figure a way out, we look for answers that involve self-reliance. That flawed idea that we can “figure it out” on our own leads so many of us to struggle for years longer than necessary.
You Can’t Know What You Don’t Know:
Secondly, how could anyone possibly know that they have “hit their bottom” unless they are on the way up? For me, at least, I had no clue how close I was to death. I decided to go to treatment purely to prove that I was NOT an alcoholic. That is exactly how twisted my thinking had become. Despite the fact that I couldn’t stop drinking long enough to get a job, I still had a sliver of doubt that alcohol wasn’t really a problem for me. Only when I finally got sober did I see how my perceptions of my life were totally wrong. I was sick, physically and mentally, the grave could have easily been my bottom.
Only after I had been chemical-free for a few months did I hear the phrase, “you can always get off the elevator before it reaches the basement.” This catchy phrase stuck while I was in a wash of people who bragged about how they hit their bottom and dug a deeper hole. Today, I often remind people who are wondering if they are addicts or alcoholics, that there is simply no need to waste time wondering. Get off the elevator now. There is no guarantee that this particular elevator will come back from the basement.
In the case of the cashier at the convenience store, she thought she was helping. In fact, I honestly believe that she had every intention of being helpful. Unfortunately, she wasn’t listening to the person who needed help.
The Inside Scoop:
This happens so many times with people who are in active addiction. As a person in recovery, who should have an inside track on how to listen to others in need, I have been guilty of offering the help I think someone needs instead of the help they are asking for.
In my home group, we had a young alcoholic who came to meetings every day, mostly twice per day. However, the person would not stop drinking. Several members threw up their hands in frustration. They had explained the young alcoholic needed a sponsor and needed to work the steps, but first, they had to stop drinking. In their minds, this was a person who clearly did not want to stop getting drunk every day. What they missed, and what I almost missed, was that this was a person who COULD NOT stop, no matter what they wanted.
The sneaky part of alcoholism is that quitting without the help of medical detox can kill an alcoholic. It doesn’t matter what book they read or what prayers they say. A physically addicted alcoholic can’t wean off, cut back, or quit cold turkey. Their bodies won’t let that happen. Just going an hour without a drink leads to violent shakes and vomiting as well as skyrocketing blood pressure. (Ask me how I know.) The only person who knows the signs and symptoms fully is someone who has been through it.
How to [Potentially] Save A Life:
While members of our home group missed how desperate the young alcoholic was. What they viewed as a choice to continue drinking despite the opportunity to be free was completely wrong in this case. And, they missed it because they were not listening to the young alcoholic and were instead focused on what they thought was help. Had they been listening, they would have heard, “I can’t stop drinking.” Then perhaps they could have followed with the question “Why?” or “What happens when you do?” Those two simple questions were finally asked by a member and fortunately, the young alcoholic got help getting into treatment. I often shudder at thinking what might have happened otherwise.
Look, I’m not saying that anyone did anything wrong. It is hard to know the right answer, especially when trying to help people who aren’t fully aware of how much they need it. In some cases, letting a person suffer a little longer may be the right answer. In another case, that same decision may be the thing that kills them.
Ready for a pop quiz?
I know you have seen the man or woman with the cardboard sign that reads, “Please help. Homeless and Hungry.” What is the first thing that comes to mind? Do you think giving them a dollar or two? Maybe you look the other way, hoping they don’t see you. Maybe, you even think that person is just going to use it for drugs or alcohol and keep your money in your pocket.
Do any of those answers help?
No One Has All the Answers:
I have done all three at different times and I am not sure there is a “right” answer. In fact, I have a history of trying to help and never actually knowing if I’ve helped at all. Does that mean I should stop trying to learn how to be a better helper?
In all cases, I have to remember that the entire situation of helping is not about me. If I want to help someone, I need to make it about him or her. I need to pay attention to the signs and signals that they want or desperately need help. I also need to know my own limits in the help I’m willing to provide. I am not the person to drive a drunk to rehab by myself, for example.
Furthermore, I need to be fully honest with myself about my ability to help others. While I am a trained mental health counselor, I am not a medical doctor or psychiatrist. It is never my place to offer medical advice. My only answer when it comes to medication is: “I would talk to a doctor about that.”
I am also not an on-call life coach. I can explain what I do in my own life, but I need to give others space to live their lives how they see fit. I also have to remind myself to listen when people are asking for help instead of jumping to conclusions. A chronic relapser will not always be a chronic relapser. The joy they feel at being sober “this time” should be celebrated as if it were the first time.
When Anyone, Anywhere, Reaches Out:
As a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I need to continue to work the program and be able to refer newcomers to passages in the Big Book that helped me formulate answers to my own problems. I need to be ready to guide a person through the 12 steps if I am asked. As one of my friends always says, “We have to keep reading that book because someone has to help these f***ers. They’re gonna show up and need help just like we did.”
So, I keep working to get better at helping. I look for ways I can help others without making a big sacrifice. I can always take time to listen. I can always open a door for another person, or give up my place in line for someone who is in an obvious hurry. I can always be patient with others. I may never be the reason that someone stays sober, but if I stay ready, I can at least be the reason a person finds hope.
