Managing Expectations in Sobriety

Premeditated Resentments:

When I first got sober, I was told that expectations were nothing more than premeditated resentments. Like many of the other tips and tricks that were suggested to me early on, I found that this little quip was but a small building block for something greater… dealing with resentments. To be fair, resentments aren’t healthy for anyone to hold on to, but for an alcoholic such as myself…“Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” I don’t know about you, but now that I’m sober, I am not particularly interested in being “destroyed” by my own inability to “let go.” As such, I soon discovered that if expectations = resentments and resentments = destruction, then managing my expectations in sobriety was going to be a vital part of my recovery process.

Some Context on Expectations:

For those of you who follow us on Instagram and Facebook, you might remember that Stan and I took a mini vacation to our favorite beach destination a couple of weeks ago. Stan’s family has a charming little house in Apalachicola, Florida, just off the bay. From our house here in South Georgia, we have to make a drive through Tate’s Hell State Forest, a long stretch of beautiful, spooky swampland that we normally pass through after the sun goes down.

Stan and I have been visiting the family beach house since early on in our relationship, and it quickly became one of our favorite “getaway” spots to relax, unwind, and decompress.

For years, Stan has told me about a unique little place out in the swamp where there are dwarf cypress trees. Due to the unique soil composition in a section of the swamp, these cypresses, despite being hundreds of years old, have only grown a fraction of the size of a “regular” cypress tree.

Fascinated, I have wanted to see this phenomenon for myself since he first mentioned it, but for one reason or another, we had yet to make it out there to see them. This trip, we were determined, so we drove out to the swamp!

Expecting the Unexpected:

As we made it down the winding sandy roads that lead to the site of the dwarf cypress trees, I began picturing in my mind’s eye how these century-year-old trees would look.

I imagined several little bonsai-sized cypress trees that reach about knee or waist high at the most. For some unexplained reason, I also imagined that these dwarf cypresses would be growing in a circle pattern, almost like a fairy ring of mushrooms will do from time to time.

I was excited and giddy at the idea of walking up to one of these trees, standing beside it, and having Stan take a picture of me towering over these hundred-year-old trees like a giant.

It should be noted that I employed absolutely no common sense, research, or knowledge of swamp ecology to any of these assumptions. I let my inner child take hold of my imagination and run with it.

In no time at all, we arrived at the boardwalk that would lead us to the dwarf cypress trees. Excited, we exited the car, made our way up the boardwalk and stood above the expanse of dwarf cypress trees with a bird’s eye view. 

They were beautiful, but they weren’t very “dwarf-like” in my opinion, and they were definitely not growing in a circle. We enjoyed the view and the peaceful sounds of nature, forgetting the hustle and bustle of our busy lives as we looked out over the vastness of the region. Oddly enough though, I felt a small pang of confusion. “I thought they’d be shorter,” I briefly mentioned to Stan.

A little confused by my comment, Stan looked over and asked “Considering that Cypress trees are usually a massive 50+ feet tall at 300 years old, and these are barely 10-12 feet tall, what were you expecting?” The truth of the matter is that I was expecting something very different than I was seeing.

…

Optimist, Pessimist, or Realist?

Expectations are a tricky business if you think about it. I mean how can one rid themselves of any, and all, expectations in life? It sounds good and all, but I wasn’t exactly sold on the concept. I had my own arrogant and self-justified approach to expectations: expect the worst in any given situation.

It made perfect sense to me. I mean, if I was wrong, I received a pleasant surprise. If I was right, well… then I couldn’t be disappointed. While it’s a great idea in theory, in practice, it was a miserable way to live.

Now, I don’t know how many of you identify as optimists, but if you do, then at this point you probably have me pegged as a pessimist. Personally, I reject that notion and argue that I’m actually a realist, but let’s not quarrel over semantics. Regardless of whether you are an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist, when it comes to managing expectations; there are three categories in which expectations can be placed.

Categorizing Expectations:

There are a few different schools of thought on this matter. Some believe that the answer to avoiding resentment and maintaining serenity is having no expectations whatsoever. Others argue that we should simply work to avoid unrealistic expectations, and then there are those, like me, who propose that the existence of “reasonable” expectations is possible.

I should mention, however, that in my experience there is a fine line between having no expectations (virtually impossible), having unrealistic expectations (happens often), and having reasonable expectations (takes practice).

The “No Expectations” Approach:

Quite frankly, I think this approach is absolutely unrealistic and impossible to achieve. Just about every conscious action we take is either directly or indirectly grounded in what we believe to be a likely outcome, i.e. an expectation. Without expectations why would we do anything?

Let’s think about it, shall we? We can start out simple. If, like me, you are privileged enough to own your own vehicle, I’ll be the first to tell you, you already have an expectation. When you stick your key in the ignition (or push the button for you fancy car owners) and turn it, you assume the car will start, right?

For those of us fortunate enough to be able to pay our own bills, if we submit our payments on time, we anticipate the lights to stay on, the water to run, and the cable to work, right?

In case that’s not relatable enough, take a chair for instance; when you go to sit in a chair, you predict that you won’t end up in the floor, right? These assumptions, anticipations, and predictions are all fancy words for expectations. Tell me how it’s possible to entirely rid yourself of those practices, I’ll wait…

Avoiding Unrealistic Expectations:

Now, this little guy is still tricky, but far more practical in my experience. As someone who adamantly believes that it’s impossible to walk through this life with zero expectations, I have found it incredibly important to avoid or at least minimize unrealistic expectations. However, before I can effectively do that, I have to be able to identify and recognize why some of the expectations that I do have are unrealistic.

Oftentimes, at this stage of my sobriety, I can take time to self-reflect after a period of anger, frustration, hurt, or disappointment. This allows me to find “my part” in what went “wrong.” Typically, if I am honest with myself, I find that I was consciously or unconsciously setting unrealistic expectations for myself or others.

Whether it be my incessant need to attempt to exercise power over things that are out of my control, setting incredibly too-high standards for myself, my pursuit of perfection, or my assumption that everyone around me should act, feel, and behave in a way that is acceptable to me; these unrealistic expectations always lead to disappointment.

For those of you who are familiar with the serenity prayer, know that I have to remind myself of its endless range of applicability on a routine basis. Serenity to accept things I can’t change (people, places, things, situations), courage to change things I can (me, myself, and I), and the often undervalued third verse, the wisdom to know the difference. 

Essentially, before I can “expect” anything, I need to ask myself if is this something within my control or if this is something that relies on several moving parts and pieces beyond my control. Know who you are, what you’re realistically capable of, and who/what you’re dealing with outside of yourself.

Reasonable Expectations:

This is where things get a little hairy. The term “reasonable” or the idea of something being “within reason” is totally subjective. What may seem reasonable to you might be wildly unreasonable to me; or better yet, what may seem reasonable to you at this moment, may seem entirely unreasonable to you a week, month, or even a year from now.

So, when it comes to managing expectations in sobriety, how do we know if we’re setting reasonable ones? The reality is that it’s sometimes hard to tell whether an expectation is reasonable or something that we feel is reasonable. Since we know that feelings aren’t facts, how do we differentiate between the two?

Expectation vs Reality:

Let’s circle back to my little incident with the dwarf cypress trees in the swamp. I expected the “dwarf “cypress trees to be short. It was a fair assumption if you ask me, I mean it’s right there in the name. While the cypress trees were in fact short in their own regard, their stature didn’t quite live up to my expectation. Was I a little disappointed? Sure. I mean what I had pictured in my head was far more fantastical than the reality of the situation. Was I resentful? Surprisingly, no, I was able to find humor in the situation.

This is where I usually take a moment to look back and reflect and ask myself a few questions. Was I a little disappointed because the cypress trees weren’t amazing, or was I disappointed because the trees didn’t live up to the fantasy of my expectation?

See, my expectation of the dwarf cypress trees being short was a reasonable expectation, but I took it a step further. I continued down the perfidious path of expectation, building up this fictional image in my head of how everything would fit into my narrative “just so” rather than letting life and reality show me its natural beauty. “Short” was reasonable, how short; based on my own definitions, expectations, and assumptions was not.

In Short (pun intended):

Managing expectations, like most things in sobriety, is about progress, not perfection. It’s not possible to eliminate all our expectations in life, but we can learn how to adjust, accept, and let go of the unrealistic standards we hold for ourselves and the world around us.

After it all was said and done, I was still very impressed with the dwarf cypress trees, the flowering lily pads floating on the water, and the wildlife that was seemingly unbothered by our short little visit to their home. The main attraction while not as I expected it to be, was absolutely stunning in its naturally intended way. In fact, I like to think that in a way, those old dwarf cypress trees bestowed an inkling of their wisdom on me.

Sobriety is more than just abstinence from mood and mind-altering substances, sobriety is a mood and mind-altering state of existence. Simply by being sober, I am constantly learning and growing. The growth isn’t always tangible. I can’t always see it, but with each passing day, sobriety cultivates a new lesson for me to learn from.

This time, the lesson was about managing expectations. Was the error in my judgment so earth-shattering that I was tempted to drink over it? No, not this time. Perhaps though, by remaining open to the lesson and willing to learn from it, in the future I will intuitively handle a situation that would have once baffled me before meeting these not-so-short dwarf cypress trees.

Take my word for it or discover it in your own way and time. Either way, I hope you learn that managing expectations is a lot easier than struggling to not drink over every little thing that doesn’t go as “expected.”