How to Change the Things I Can

When I first realized that I had opportunity to live my life without drinking, I instantly knew what I wanted to do. I planned to save everyone who had ever taken a drink. It seems a little crazy (okay, a lot crazy) looking back. However, at the time, I was certain that everyone wanted to change his or her way of life just as I wanted to change mine. Armed with the knowledge found in my daily recitation of the Serenity Prayer, the Prayer of St. Francis, and a surface understanding of the Big Book, I began to brainstorm all the ways I could change the things I can. And, all of the ones I could think of had nothing to do with me.

Focusing on Change in Others

My part pink-clouded and part chemical-free-not-sober brain could not be convinced of anything other than everyone I met needed saving. At least this was partly true because everyone I met for the first 40 days in sobriety was in rehab. We were all on the same journey, and I just knew I could be the lynch pin to keep most of us newbies on track. This grand delusion was my first, but not my worst in early sobriety. To this day, I am still amazed how arrogant and presumptuous I can be.

For those of you who don’t know, the Serenity Prayer and the Prayer of St. Francis encourage the reader or reciter to make the world a better place. The Serenity Prayer encourages acceptance with an admonition “to change the things I can.” The St. Francis Prayer also encourages change by looking for ways to do good, though admittedly the list is a little longer and takes more time to memorize. Still, both prayers were a part of my morning rehab routine. Sometime between my first 6 cups of coffee and our first daily meditation group, I recited both prayers, and was always on time for our 7:30 breakfast. I rarely slept more than two hours in those first days. The fact that I was sleep deprived probably attributed to some of my grander schemes, check out Keeping It Green… or Three Words Not in My Vocabulary for a couple of those.

This newfound calling, I think, can be blamed on my teaching background. (The other part probably had to do with the six cups of coffee.) As an English major, I trained myself to find ways for teenagers to apply hundred-year-old literature texts to their lives. Having a Big Book and supplemental texts on hand to teach to others ignited part of my natural instinct. Also, for those of you who have not taught teenagers in school, there is not one who looks forward to learning Shakespeare. In my mind, that meant unwillingness did not have to be a deal breaker. The fact that most of the people I meet are adults who answer only to themselves, never factored into my equation. Yeah, major mistake on my part.

How Can I Change Things if No One Listens?

Nevertheless, I was ready to be on a crusade to save all alcoholics and those I thought were alcoholics from the ravages of this disease. When I left the comfort, seclusion, and laser-focused, recovery study in rehab, reality slapped me in the face. Many people don’t want to stop drinking (gasp). Who would have thunk it. Some adults, who know they have a problem with drugs and alcohol, gasp, attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings solely to appear as if they are seeking help. Even worse, some adults have the audacity to think they DON’T have a problem with drugs or alcohol when they clearly drink, in public, no less.

Perhaps, these epiphanies are obvious to you, dear reader, but less-than-a-year-sober Stan had completely forgotten the lessons he learned from nearly 30 years of hard drinking when he put away the bottle. I was completely mystified that people did not want me to change them. My drinking buddies kept on drinking without me. One was even nice enough to send pictures of a cooler full of beer in a picture inviting me to come to a poolside cookout. Admittedly, it was part of a group text so he could have not paid as close attention to the beer as I did.

Seeking Help From My Sponsor

Some of the people who came to A.A. meetings only talked about how much living life made them want to drink. Despite my best efforts to change their thoughts, they decided to drink anyway. Even in my own house, booze consistently showed up in the refrigerator or half-full cups on the counter. My ex-wife, who pointed out that I had a problem with drinking and she didn’t, kept right on drinking. You would think that the $40,000, 40+-day education I received at treatment was wasted. I was hurt, confused, and didn’t know what to do. Being a good A.A., I talked to my sponsor. Surely, he would know how to “fix” these people. It was not the fix I expected.

“The only thing that needs fixing is you,” he said. “You read the Serenity Prayer every day. You recite it in meetings, and you still haven’t heard the last part, ‘the wisdom to know the difference.’”

“I know that most of these people would be happier sober, though,” I protested.

“Two years ago you didn’t know that you would be happier sober, so I don’t know that you are the best judge,” he responded. “I know I’m not the best judge of what needs to be changed in someone else’s life, I have a hard enough time with my own. Good thing we don’t have to worry about anyone else.”

“I thought we were supposed to help others, though,” I said. I had a point when I started the sentence, but I lost it as the words came out. Fortunately, my sponsor seemed to be ready.

“I want you to go buy a hula-hoop, hold it over your head and drop it,” he said. “Everything it touches on the way down and what is inside the hula-hoop, you control. That is the only thing you can change. Everything outside of that hula-hoop is none of your business.”

I understood the metaphor. I didn’t actually go by the hula-hoop. And, if I did, you will never be able to prove it. I would certainly NOT occasionally hula-hoop like a middle-schooler in my yard on spring days.

Using the Hula-Hoop For Change

As always, my sponsor was correct. The longer I have stayed sober, the more I reflect on my own attitudes, expectations, and emotions when something outside my hula-hoop is bugging me. Changing the things I can is an inside job. When I focus on changing the things I can’t, usually the behaviors of other people, I get frustrated, miserable, and take a step closer to a drink. In the same situation, when I focus on how I can be more helpful, what demands I placed on another person, and why I am upset, I find that my serenity returns and I take a step further away from a drink.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t help others who are struggling to get sober, however. I just remember that I am not in charge of another person’s life. The best way I can best show the joy of living sober is through my actions and not my advice. When asked a question, I share what works for me in situations. The person that asked the question is free to try out my suggestion or leave it hanging in the air. I am free to keep doing what works for me. My happiness is not tied to that person or any other.

As I have grown in sobriety, I have offered what I have been taught to a number of sponsees. Unfortunately, majority of them did not stay sober. I tried to blame myself for that, but again, my sponsor reminded me of the hula-hoop. The only person I can get drunk or keep sober is ME.

Of course, I am not perfect and I often reach beyond my hula-hoop and try to fix things that are beyond my control. That is when the Serenity Prayer helps me the most. I have to accept me as I am with imperfections and all. While I work on changing the ones I can, I need to be wise enough to know that improvement only happens with time and work.