Estimated read time: 7 min
I happened across an interesting quote by spiritual entrepreneur and philanthropist Meir Ezra the other day. The quote read: “If you trust yourself, no one will ever betray you.” That’s some pretty insightful stuff, right? Maybe, like me, you paused a moment to ponder and reflect on how that quote resonates in your life. You might even be thinking, “Wow! That’s so true!” IF that’s your thought and IF, like me, you are an alcoholic…. Then welcome to the club, my friend, club: First Thought Wrong.
Now, hold on just a minute. Pump the breaks; don’t bail on me yet. I don’t like to be wrong, either. However, if I have learned anything in my sobriety journey, it’s that sometimes, every once in a blue moon, I am, occasionally, wrong.
Nowadays, thanks to the program, I get the opportunity to take a daily inventory and, when wrong… promptly admit it (sometimes). The fact of the matter is I am wrong a lot more often than I have to make amends for. That sounds sketchy, I know… but really, the program only really talks about making amends for wrongdoings, not wrong thinking…
Luckily, I had some pretty-solid sobriety around me in the early days of my recovery. If you’ve been around any 12-step program for any length of time, you know how much we love all those silly little slogans we have. The classic “First things first,” “Easy does it,” “Keep it simple,” and the annoyingly true, “First thought wrong,” are all sayings that were frequently tossed around at meetings during my first 90 days sober.
Like most recovery sayings, “First Thought Wrong,” is a pretty straightforward phrase, so naturally, it confused the heck out of me. (This is a reoccurring theme, as you can see in my post: “Living Life Sober: One Day At A Time.”) I can remember being confused and a bit offended when someone directed their “First Thought Wrong” wisecrack in my general direction for the first time.
As time passed and the brain fog began to fade, I was able to use my handy-dandy context clues to understand the gist of the phrase as well as what it was supposed to imply. However, it wasn’t until I was about 6 months sober that I got a front-row seat to my very own First-Thought-Wrong experience. Make no mistake; I am sure there are endless examples of this little quip in my life, especially back in those days, but this was the first time I was really able to see it for myself.
As you may recall from my post (the one where I talk about living with Erwin), when I first got out of treatment, I had no place to live, aka…I was homeless. I ended up living with an extremely generous old-timer from my home group for several months until I could find a job and get back on my feet.
I was six months sober when I got the call that my application for an apartment in town was accepted. The person told me a unit would be open the first week of July if I was still interested. Of course, I was still interested! The very next day, I went to the property manager’s office, completed all the necessary paperwork, paid the deposit, and got a run-down of what the place was like, when rent was due, etc. A week or so later, I was given the key to my very first apartment. I was ecstatic, grateful, and a little nervous to be honest. I was only six-months sober, after all. Was I ready?
Hands down, I was pleased to have my own place. For the first time in my entire life, I wouldn’t be sharing with roommates, parents, siblings, fellow rehab patients or anything. This place was mine, and it was home.
The move-in process was pretty extensive. There was a decent amount of stuff from my dorm room in storage, other items had to be brought down from my parents’ house in North Georgia, and there were a lot of household items I just flat-out didn’t own. Eventually, though, everything necessary for living was moved in, and so was I.
A lot of people (primarily sober friends) were nervous about my moving into my own place so early. Looking back, I can totally understand their fear and apprehension; after all, my new apartment was directly behind the quickie store I had frequented so often in active addiction.
In all honesty, buying booze, or drinking was the absolute last thing on my mind at that time. I was still excited to have a place to call my own. To be fair, I was busy with work, and trying to figure out just how soon I could enroll back in college. I hadn’t thought about picking up a drink in what felt like several months.
Then, one day I noticed something about my small one-bedroom apartment… it had an attic! It was kind of strange, really, an apartment with an attic? I had been living there for almost 2 months and never noticed this before, how strange. All of a sudden, without my knowledge, without my permission even, my brain took it upon itself to start thinking.
The sudden realization hit me, “I could hide a crap ton of liquor up there.” Like I could own a small liquor store with the amount of booze that could fit up there…. WAIT! (First Thought Wrong.)
“I live by myself…” was the next thought to hit, “I don’t have to hide sh-t anymore.” It was true, I could have had as much booze as I wanted. I could be drinking every day. I could leave it on the counter, store it in the cabinet, or have bottles lining my room if I really wanted to. WAIT! (First Thought Wrong… again)
“I’m sober.” I don’t drink anymore. “Why am I even having these thoughts?!?”(Third times the charm).
All these thoughts occurred so quickly in succession that I wasn’t even sure what had just happened. I was genuinely surprised at myself. I didn’t even want to drink.
Yet, here I was, brainstorming all the different ways, styles, and places I could have booze in my possession in this new apartment. Why? Because I am an alcoholic, duh!
— Nina —
As an alcoholic, I have come to the realization that oftentimes, when left to the echo chamber of my own mind, my first thought is often… wrong.
This doesn’t mean that I am always wrong or that I am not capable of thinking for myself. All it means for me is that I have an understanding, an agreement with myself, that IF I think I have a good idea… I get a second opinion.
This was especially true in the early days of my recovery journey. Even now, if I am about to make a big decision or if I am feeling particularly emotional, elated, excited, anxious, angry, or scared… I talk to someone before making any big decisions.
Understanding that, as an alcoholic, I have a disease in which my own mind is set to “self-destruct” by default. I need to bounce my plans off another person who understands the error in my thought processes. It’s not that I need permission, or a chaperone to live my life. It is helpful however to have a sounding board that allows me to hear my own words from someone else’s perspective.
For some, this human sounding board is a therapist, a sober friend, or a partner. If you’re like Stan, (my husband and fellow Grateful Nut), you check in with your sponsor. (Check out his post, “Chemical Free ≠ Not Sober,”) His story shows how easy it is to get wrapped up in that First Thought Wrong.
At the end of the day, First Thought Wrong is just acknowledging that we’re human, and that we’re not infallible. It was in this realization that I myself was able to learn about the blind spots in my sobriety; the areas in my life where a single train of thought could have led me to relapse. A momentary lapse in judgment could have resulted in a fatal First Thought Wrong.
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For more thoughts on the “first thought wrong” concept, check out this post from SoberTool!
