Don’t Give Up! Fight to Stay Sober!

Back when I was in my first year of sobriety a friend of mine was at a fundraising event and took a picture with the words “Don’t Give Up,” written in marker on the back of his hands. The picture and the words stuck with me. I was floundering in recovery, and I desperately needed the message.

One might think that because I am a White Chip Wonder that I have an upper hand when it comes to staying sober. Maybe there is some truth to that, but I did have my struggles with cravings and stinking thinking. I just didn’t quit. I kept moving forward. Each day, sometimes each minute, I continued fighting back the anxiety and uneasiness, forcing myself toward a reprieve. Like the message on my friend’s hands, I “Don’t Give Up.”

I did not do it alone, though. Each day, I heard the right message at the right time to hang on just a little longer. I needed friends in sobriety to help me. I had three sponsors and the fellowship of AA waiting with an outstretched hand to pull me up before I fell. I knew I could not beat addiction on my own. I had tried before and failed miserably. When it comes to alcohol, I don’t have the ability to just say no.

Early Warning Signs

My inability to drink normally slapped me dead in the face when I was 16. I was a French-horn-playing, skinny, band nerd. Our band was picked for a national competition. Much like the Georgia Bulldogs and the TCU Horned Frogs, we had a chance to compete on the national stage. Unlike, UGA quarterback Stetson Bennett who excelled under the pressure of the spot light, I never even made it to the field.

I showed up to band practice too drunk to march, got suspended from school and extra-curricular activities, and missed my one chance to perform in a national competition. At the time, I pointed fingers at everyone I could think to blame. The band director never liked me. I felt peer pressure to drink and try to break out of my nerd status. My genetics left me unable to play sports. I was too slow and too little. I had to play a nerd instrument instead of something cool like the drums. I made up a thousand reasons for my failure, and amazingly, not one of them belonged to me.

As a teenager, I could not face the music. (That character defect sometimes grips me today.) Over the next few days, cloaked in embarrassment, I swore off drinking. An oath that lasted for about a month, and I was back on the bottle again. The only thing I learned from getting an MUI (marching under the influence) is to get better at hiding my drinking.

Prolonged Battle

That month would turn out to be my longest period of sobriety for the next 25 years. During that time, instead of overcoming a setback, choosing to battle my own shortcomings, I decided to wait for another chance to drown them in alcohol. Instead of making progress as an adult and learning to cope with change, I became locked in a battle to find a way to live without drinking or using drugs and failed daily.

That one teenage mistake blossomed, and watered by booze, left me frozen in time mentally and emotionally. Only now, 35 years later has my ability to face my mistakes began to take root. I am growing, but I will never reach the capacity of who I could have become.

Monday night, sitting on a love seat with my wife, I saw what might have been during the National College Football Championship.

The Best Example

UGA quarterback Stetson Bennett had been labeled too small to earn a college scholarship at Georgia. Instead of pointing fingers, he suited up and showed up to practice anyway. After playing with the scout team for a season, he could see a wall of quarterbacks in front of him that prevented him from taking the field. Instead of being bitter and blaming others, he got better. He decided to transfer to a junior college to hone his skills. After a season as a junior college quarterback, he was back in the red and black and this time on scholarship.

He then won the starting job, but saw it taken away after injuring his throwing shoulder in a game against the University of Florida. Instead of pouting, or transferring to another school, Bennett worked on his game and waited for his chance. When it came, this time he didn’t let it go.

That tenacity made all of the difference. Bennett won two National Championships and 4 MVPs in the college football playoffs. He will be remembered as the greatest quarterback in University of Georgia history. Literally, he chose to never give up.

Dodging Tough Decisions

I squandered opportunity after opportunity in active addiction. I turned down scholarships to various colleges because I feared I wasn’t good enough. I turned down jobs in my professional career because I feared taking risks. Instead of putting in the work, I poured drink after drink. I floated along occasionally paddling toward a destination if it didn’t require effort. When I was faced with hard choices, I gave up.

Still, I could not find a way to be satisfied. I wanted more from my life, but in my addicted mind others kept holding me back. I felt cheated when I saw friends who had more successful or higher paying careers. With drink in hand, I would point out how lucky other people had been when I got the bad breaks.

I made every excuse. There were constant pressures at work that required nightly drinks to take the edge off. Everyone celebrates birthdays and spring breaks with binge drinking. My drinking might be a little more than normal, but I paid bills and was moderately successful in a teaching career. I literally could not be me without a drink.

The Secret Struggle

Secretly, I battled every day. I would tell myself that I would not drink today. I would believe that lie until I began the drive home from work, and without fail pull into a store for only one six-pack or one bottle. “I’ll just have two or three drinks,” I would say aloud before sliding out of my truck and slinking into a store. I knew I could never have just one or none. Still, two or three always became at least six. I always gave up.

I poured beers into cups that would never fully empty and hide cans anywhere I could to keep the real count secret. I was always only on my second one, unless you looked behind the cereal boxes in the cupboard or the crawl space in the garage. Underneath the seat in my truck there were always one or two wine bottles slowly being drained.

I went to psychiatrists and counselors for help with my anxiety, and found solid forms of alcohol that helped curb my drinking without losing a buzz. I gave up trying to find a solution and settled for a different combination of drugs.

I squandered time and money to wreck my health. When I finally grabbed a lifeline that pulled me to shore, I had washed away an award winning teaching and coaching career.

A New Battle

Finally, I faced the problem—ME. Sitting in rehab, I realized I finally had a chance to win my decades-long battle with alcohol and drugs. The stunningly simple answer was not to fight with them anymore. Instead, I fought to avoid drugs and alcohol at all cost.

Unable to trust me and my gut decisions, I quickly built a team of support to help me in the battle. I relied on people in recovery and a counselor to guide me through those first post-rehab months. I didn’t do everything right, as you can read in my posts “It’s not about the money,” or “What if I’m NOT an alcoholic,” but for the first time, I didn’t give up.

Nothing about sobriety has been easy. Life is still life. I struggled to find my way back to a career, bouncing between jobs before settling where I felt I belonged. Since being sober, friends and family members have died. At times, I have been outed for being in recovery from well-meaning friends and an angry ex-wife. The damage I caused my family in active addiction has boiled over into new problems in sobriety. Still, I don’t give up.

#DONTGIVEUP

While it is true that I have not relapsed since picking up my white chip more than 8 years ago, there have been times that taking a drink seemed like a good option. More than once, I have caught myself eyeing a bottle of wine or 12-pack of beer in the grocery checkout line in front of me, and wondered how it might feel to slip away into the wash of booze again. Instead of continuing the train of thinking, I hit full stop, and fast-forward to the ending where I start over racked with withdrawals. Instead of giving in, I don’t give up.

When I feel lost in sobriety, I reach out to others. If I feel like I am drifting toward a drink, I snitch on myself. I use the tools I was given to make the next right choice, and I work to let go of things I can’t change. I refuse to give up.

While I watched the confetti fall at the end of the National Championship Game, I realized that I will never be on a stage in front of an adoring crowd. My path will never lead me to be remembered long after I am gone. Whether my mental health challenges or substance abuse took control or not, some of my past decisions are permanent. Still, I don’t give up.

I get the chance to look on a great day in sobriety and be at a loss of how to describe the beauty of it. I can confidently show the real me to everyone I meet and not hide behind a bottle. I get to make mistakes and grow instead of finding ways to play the victim. Like Bennett grabbing hold of the starting quarterback position at UGA, I grabbed sobriety with the tenacity of a bulldog. Despite all of my prior history, this time I will not give up.

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