Being ‘Outed’ in Recovery is No Big Deal

Since the time that Bill W. met Dr. Bob, certain groups of alcoholics have followed a simple code: Anonymity. Based on my personal research in visiting several Alcoholics Anonymous groups, there is some debate about how anonymous a person in recovery should be. In some groups, the anonymity-clause refers only to outsiders. Sharing the names of people you saw at a recent meeting is fine as long as you keep it among alcoholics. In other groups, the names of people who attend a meeting stays with that meeting, period. There is no discussion beyond what “I” said at a meeting, which I attended. In no case do alcoholics or addicts who are a part of these groups desire to “out” others as being a member or in attendance. However, I have been “outed” on a few occasions, anyway.

Some of the ways I have been outed as being in recovery are pretty funny. My wife, Nina, and I were on the cat food aisle of a local store, when a newcomer shouted our names as part of a greeting. Then she followed that with her name and the declaration, “you know, from the A.A. meeting.” On another occasion, during a cookout, someone disclosed my recovery status. I laugh about it now, but at the time, I was pissed.

Reasons for Anonymity

I am not sure why the first members of A.A. decided to keep the meetings as a sort of secret society. It would seem counterintuitive. The idea of A.A. is to help has many addicts and alcoholics as possible, but at the same time, avoid advertising or promoting the groups. How do you help people when they don’t know help exists? I suspect that contradiction has keep many addicts and alcoholics in active addiction longer; I know that was the case for me.

Personally, I avoided A.A. meetings for so long in active addiction because I had no idea what they were. I saw “god” mentioned a few times and figured that it was some sort of brainwashing cult. I have at times wondered how different my story would have been if “sober” was not a dirty word.

Since I have been an A.A. member, I have at times been timid about disclosing the fact that I am in recovery. We also can’t deny the stigma that surrounds alcoholics and addicts. Our disease has been criminalized through the “war on drugs,” and the “just say no” campaigns of the 1980s that left me wanting to eat a fried egg whether or not it was my brain on drugs. We are viewed negatively as defective party poopers or as people who “pretend” to have a problem. In any case, letting Earth people know that I am in recovery often seems like a terrible idea.

I am also a schoolteacher, which means that I am held to a higher social standard than most careers because I am entrusted with teaching teenagers. (That doesn’t come with a higher paycheck.) Because I’m in recovery, I might be the reason some teenage student becomes an addict or alcoholic. (Have you been in schools lately? You can get a weed contact-high by walking the hallways.) While the thought of a person in recovery swaying others to become addicted is utterly ridiculous, if I were “out” so to speak, I could face the real possibility of being fired. I would like to think I could be an asset, but for now, that is not the case.

Perhaps the good old timers first decided to keep the efforts to help others anonymous in order to avoid threats to their jobs. Overtime, I have found another possible reason. Earth people, who either shun or ignore us, are quick to seek an alcoholic if one of their loved ones needs help. Perhaps the sheer volume of those seeking help for themselves or on behalf of others would have been too overwhelming in the early days. Whatever the cause, I was happy hanging out with my own people and feeling free to be me without perceived judgment from normies. I saw no reason to share my status with others outside my immediate family. Unfortunately, I don’t always get to choose.

Being Outed by a Fellow Alcoholic

The first time I was “outed” as a recovering alcoholic, a friend of mine in the program told his neighbor that I was a member of A.A. That would be fine, but his neighbor became my coworker when I took a new job. How or why my name came up, I am unsure. Perhaps this friend, who I later found out had traded his alcohol problem for a pill problem, just shared that I would be working with his neighbor. That could have led to a conversation of how my friend knew me. In any case, during my second day on the new job, my co-worker mentioned, not so casually, that she knew a friend of mine.

“Ryan, my next door neighbor, said that you and he are pretty good friends,” she said, then, waited with eyebrows arched, for my response.

With the coolness of a hot plate, I responded, “Y-yeah, he is a good guy.” I was not even two-years sober at the time and still felt like a recovery new born.

That was the total extent of the conversation. In my mind, I had instantly become the alkie at my new work place and everyone would want to see the freak. Nothing like that happened, and if anyone mentioned that I was a recovering alcoholic behind my back, I never heard about it.

Then, one night, I got a phone call from that same coworker. Frantic, she explained that one of her sons had come home looking for help for a drug problem. She said that because she knew Ryan, and Ryan knew me, she thought I could help. Before the phone conversation was over, we had a plan for her son to go to treatment, and upon leaving; a meeting schedule and the name of a possible sponsor would be waiting. A few weeks later, I picked her son up from her house and drove him to an A.A. meeting.

At work, we never talked about any of it, except once when we were both alone in one of the school hallways.

“Thanks, I really didn’t know who else to call,” she said.

“No problem at all,” I replied. “That’s what we do for each other.”

I can never be sure if she realized I was talking about the bond that exists between all alcoholics and addicts, and that most of us reach out to help a fellow suffer whenever we can. Maybe, she thought I meant a coworker bond.

Later, I found out another coworker’s husband was in A.A. The guy I knew from meetings picked up his wife at work. We were “introduced” by his wife. I pretended that I had never met her husband. I was sticking with the program. Later, she told me that she didn’t realize we already knew each other from meetings.

In both instances, my coworkers and I bonded because I was in recovery. If either had judged me as less than, it never showed. Also, it did not appear that either coworker outed me. if so, no one mentioned it. Some of my other coworkers even invited me to Margarita Mondays.

Ratted Out By My Car

Adults were not the only ones who had a hand in declaring my recovery status.

Not long after I started my current job, some of my students recognized my yellow convertible bug (I know totally manly, right?) at a church two to three nights a week.

“You are up there with those A.A. people,” one student, burst the silence of a classroom with the statement. “You teaching classes there, too?”

“Something like that,” I said. “Let’s take a look at your essay.”

The answer seemed to satisfy the curiosity. Sometimes, a few students were brave enough to wave or shout “hey” from a distance when they saw me. But, like most normies, my students didn’t seem to understand what A.A. meetings were or why someone would attend. It was just a place they saw me, or at least my car.

Like most times when I have been “discovered” to be an alcoholic, the result of the discovery is curiosity, perhaps a little surprise, but not much else. At times, I feel like I am holding back a side of me for no reason. Then, there are times when I remember why it is good to keep my private life, well, private.

Being “Outed” Could Be Harmful

Shortly before my divorce, my Ex-wife decided to broadcast to the entirety of Facebook that I was an alcoholic. At the time, I had been in recovery for 4 years. My years in active addiction were a part of our troubles, but it certainly was not the cause of our breakup at that point. Since I had already moved out of the house, I first found out about the broadcast when I received a text from a co-worker. To this day, I have never seen what the Ex posted. I can only guess that it was not flattering.

What followed was a series of texts from distant relatives, friends, former and present coworkers asking what in the world was going on or why would anyone post “something like that.” Most often, people asked if I had read it. My response was the same.

“We are going through a divorce. She is free to say whatever she wants to about me. I haven’t seen what she wrote, but I am an alcoholic in recovery, and have been for more than four years.”

Fortunately, I had been in my current job for three years. If I had been in my first year, or had the administration of the school felt differently about my performance, I may have lost my job. I also cannot know how my ex-wife’s actions may affect my future employment. I would like to think that most employers understand the difference between being in recovery and active addiction, but who am I to say.

As things turned out with my job, there was an initial shock that I was, indeed, a dreaded alcoholic. I did occasionally catch a few whispered conversations, but within a month or so, all of that had died down. Like so many other details, the fact that I didn’t drink booze was easily forgotten in day-to-day conversation. I do think that the knowledge I am in recovery from alcoholism has affected my relationships at work. No more invites to Margarita Mondays, for instance. And, there is the occasional conversation that includes a glance at me and the phrase, “I’m not an alcoholic or nothing,” before a coworker tells a drinking story. (Pro tip for Earth people: We can tell by your wimpy drinking stories that you are not one of us. There is no need to clarify).

From the experience caused by my Ex-wife, I have a better understanding of why a person in recovery may want to remain anonymous. It would be easy to use a person’s recovery as a wedge to drive away others. Also, to date, there is no cure for alcoholism and addiction. Relapses do happen. I personally would hate to put myself in a position where my relapse actually deters others from getting help.

‘Outing’ Myself

Still, I am closer to recovering out loud than remaining anonymous, today. I follow the traditions of A.A. groups in not disclosing the status of others. However, I tend to be more open about my own recovery. In my experience, I’m more likely to be able to help others if people know I have been there. I also feel in control of who finds out I’m an alcoholic when I am the one saying it.

Nina and I are mostly on the same page about disclosing our recovery. We are the ones who get to make the choice. I don’t share her story and she doesn’t share mine, especially to Earth people. We have gotten pretty good at it. Most of my family didn’t know she was in recovery until several months after we were married.

Even with our blog, we do maintain some anonymity. We don’t share the last names of our guest writers unless they request it, and we stick to our first names on the site as well. However, we do enjoy the freedom of sharing our stories, especially knowing that we are helping others. We are also more than happy to meet up with readers or others in recovery when we travel. I, personally, have a few more limits than my lovely wife, mostly due to my career choice.

For now, you won’t see my face plastered on a bill board with a cheesy recovery quote. I have seen how my face looks six-feet wide and I am not a fan. However, I am open to sharing my story in various ways through social media, podcasts and even videos. Perhaps that comes close to violating an A.A. tradition, but so be it. If I’m going to be “outed” in the future, I will be the one who decides when and where the conversation takes place.