Important Boundaries for Helping Others

If you are like me, when you first got sober you wanted to share what you found with everyone who drinks or drugs. I was so excited to be free from addiction that I thought everyone wanted and needed the same freedom. My expectation of saving others was quickly shattered, but the idea that someone in recovery can avoid people in active addiction is a pipe dream of equal proportions.

Whether you are in a 12-step group or not, eventually you will spend time with someone who is still in active addiction, and knowing what to do in those situations can save your recovery. What it all boils down to is how to set boundaries for dealing with people in active addiction and when to say something is out of bounds.

During my eight and half years of recovery I have heard more than 100 stories that begin with a person in recovery offering help to someone in active addiction and end with a relapse. While most often, the person who relapses has a year or less sober, it is not unheard of for those in long-term recovery to put their sobriety on the line and crap out. Many of us forget to put our own needs first, get lost in trying to help someone and hit the bottle when it all blows up.

So far, I have been fortunate. I have never been triggered to drink or use when I am around people who are still in active addiction. Most of the good fortune comes from making sure I followed boundaries suggested by others who had experience.

Boundary 1: Someone’s choice to drink or drug is not my problem.

First things first, when dealing with a person in active addiction or in gray-area addiction, such as heavy drinkers, I always understand that they may not want to be sober. In my nearly 30 years of active addiction no one, and I mean no one, could tell me anything about my drinking. I was so sure I had it all under control. If anyone even hinted that I drank too much, I instantly became defensive and had a laundry list of reasons why my drinking was acceptable. On the rare occasion, that I did get a moment of clarity and realized I had a problem, that moment quickly drowned under the next drink.

Whenever I am around people who are drunk or getting there, I remember that I am not the judge and jury of their behavior. There is no need for me to stand on a soapbox and preach the gospel of abstinence. In most cases, the only action I need to take is leaving. Whether it is a guy who is knocking back double bourbons at a restaurant, a family member that got too deep in the eggnog or a friend who knocked off a six-pack before he started a grill. Others drinking or drugging is none of my business. Period.

Boundary 2: When in doubt, leave.

In most settings, I can just leave. In fact, if I am planning to attend an event that will include drinking that is one of the tips I follow. If people are getting drunk, and that has become the primary event of the function, it is time for me to go. There is nothing worse than trying to follow the obnoxious, circular talk of someone who has hit the bottle or the bud. Drunk or high people are always overly emotional, irrational, and sometimes unintelligible. If I hang around them long enough, there might be a temptation to be dragged down to their level so the best thing I can do is leave.

The same is true for family gatherings. Members of my family drink alcohol. It is rare that they overindulge especially when I am around, but if I feel like I need to leave, they understand that I will. There has only been one occasion when I felt uncomfortable and that was on a family cruise. I passed by two of my sisters who appeared to have had more than a few drinks. I stopped long enough to say hello, realized they were buzzed, and made an excuse to continue on my way. It was just that simple, and unless they read this article, they will never realize my leaving was intentional.

Boundary 3: Help others, but only on your terms

There have been occasions when I have been asked by a friend or family member to talk with someone in active addiction. It is also not uncommon for people to show up to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings high or drunk. A boundary that I normally follow in this case is that I don’t talk with these people alone. In A.A., it is common practice for at least two people in recovery meet with a person who is in active addiction. While it may be rare that someone with long-term recovery gets tempted to relapse while trying to help someone, it does happen. IF there are at least two sober people involved, then it is less likely.

In my time in A.A., I have driven drunks home from meetings in their cars to ensure there are no accidents. In those cases, there is always an A.A. member following me to ensure I have a way out. I have also driven a person to a treatment center by myself, and while the trip ended successfully, when it was over I clearly understood why it is helpful to have another person along.

While I have helped people in active addiction, I rarely spend much time trying to talk to people who are high or drunk at meetings or anywhere else. It is a waste of my time, and their buzz, to try to have a rational conversation with someone who is in an irrational state.

If I have been asked to talk with someone who has a drinking problem, I wait to have that conversation when the person is sober, or better yet, hung over. At least during those times, I can be semi-assured that we can have a conversation they will remember. Also, there will be no open bottles of booze around should I be tempted to have a drink of my own.

Boundary 4: There is nothing pretty about active addiction.

Another suggested boundary is to avoid helping people in active addiction who are the opposite sex. This heteronormative idea helps prevent the possibility of hooking up with someone in active addiction and finding yourself thinking relapse would make the relationship better.

My personal twist to this is to make sure that you are helping people to whom you are not attracted. In my time as a sponsor, I have attempted to help several people in active addiction. What I have found is that a bond develops that creates a strong friendship very quickly. I could see how this bond could be misinterpreted if you already think the person you are helping is smoking hot. The secret is simple. I’m just here to share my experience, strength and hope. No body parts need to be involved.

It is also important to remember that no matter what an addict or alcoholic looks like on the outside, there is a lot going on inside them that I know nothing about. A person in active addition or early recovery has a lot of mental and emotional work ahead. There is no reason to add more to that plate by confusing friendship with romantic feelings. For the person in active addiction or early recovery such a situation impedes growth. For a person in stable recovery, there is always a danger of falling back into a lifestyle that they know all too well.

No matter what, my sobriety comes first.

In recovery, putting my sobriety first ensures that I can stay sober and be able to help others. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that can come before this need. If I put others’ wants and needs before staying sober, then I will end up drunk and useless. It is similar to the rule of helping an adult who is drowning. Instead of diving in and running the risk of being pulled down with them, you throw them something to hold on to and drag them to safety.

Some of the ways I ensure that my sobriety is first includes taking time to work on my recovery daily, spending time with people in recovery and taking care of myself. If a sponsee tries to call me drunk to whine about his relapse, I will simply tell him to call me when he is sober. I also don’t take calls in the middle of the night, that’s mostly because I am a heavy sleeper, but also because I get to live my own life, which does not involve being on-call 24 hours a day.

Putting my sobriety first means that I have ended friendships with old drinking buddies, and I avoid certain gatherings with co-workers (Margarita Mondays). It also means that I personally don’t hang out at bars drinking non-alcoholic beer and trying to be a part of a lifestyle that I no longer want. Putting my sobriety first also involves creating boundaries like the ones above and taking action to ensure others respect the boundaries I set.

Helping others find a way out of active addiction is a truly rewarding experience that everyone in recovery should strive to meet. Still, it is important to set boundaries BEFORE jumping into the water to save someone who is drowning. Without personal boundaries, it may be you who needs help to be saved.