“[WE] came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
-Step 2 of Alcoholics Anonymous
If you are unfamiliar with this line, that’s probably because you don’t follow a 12-step program to stay sober. For those who might be curious, the above-mentioned quote comes from the second step of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Technically, the first step is the only step that uses the pronounced “WE,” not ME, to lead the sentence; however, for your grammar junkies, steps 2-10 also lead with the understood “WE,” not Me.
Honestly though, whether you follow a 12-step program or not has no bearing on whether this post might be relevant to you. As a matter of fact, this post has nothing to do with AA, NA, or any specific program of recovery for that matter. My primary point of focus is the overall “WE,” Not Me thing.
Coming Up:
For much of my childhood and even well into my late teen years, I was raised to be an independent, self-sufficient, do-it-yourself kind of person. From my experience in speaking with other co-habitants of this planet, I know that I am not terminally unique in how my parents chose to raise me. No parent is perfect, mine were far from it, but they did the best they could. I mean, no matter the situation, what parent wouldn’t want their child to be able to do for him or herself?
Make no mistake, I think being independent, self-sufficient, and non-codependent are all great qualities for a person to have. There is an exception to this rule, however, and that’s when people like me (ahem… alcoholics) exhibit these traits to a fault…
To A Fault:
Call it a traumatic childhood, mental illness, a personal shortcoming, or a character flaw, but 9 times out of 10, if it’s possible to take something to the extreme, I will do it. I have what I often refer to as the “too much gene.”
“Good or bad, I will take things to the extreme. A small home improvement project? Nope, let’s repaint the whole house. The recipe calls for a teaspoon of garlic. Nope, let’s try 3 teaspoons. One pain pill every four hours? Nope, 2 pills, “as needed” will work better. A friend asks for advice for a specific problem, and I’ll try to “fix” their whole life. Planning a simple get-together with family? Nope, I need to try a brand-new recipe, make 5 deserts, and clean the whole house from floors to the attic ceiling. See, too much!”
Good or bad, I will take things to the extreme. A small home improvement project? Nope, let’s repaint the whole house. The recipe calls for a teaspoon of garlic. Nope, let’s try 3 teaspoons. 1 pain pill every four hours? Nope, 2 pills, as needed will work better. A friend asks for advice for a specific problem, I’ll try to “fix” their whole life. Planning a simple get-together with family? Nope, I need to try a brand-new recipe, make 5 deserts, and clean the whole house from floors to the attic ceiling. See, too much!
My independence, self-sufficiency, and self-reliance are no exception to this life-long pattern of my “too much” gene. Among some other less-than-ideal personality traits, my extreme self-reliance made getting sober 10 times more difficult than it needed to be. It’s funny, really. My so-called “independence” is what often got me into trouble in the first place. How I thought I could “fix me” all by myself is beyond even my own understanding. I tried though, dear lord did I try, but like all the other times before, I failed, miserably…
Like I said though, I know I’m not alone in this. There are so many others out there that are just like me and struggling to get sober. Maybe you’re one of them. If so, perhaps you’re wondering then, how did I fix this problem?
“WE”, Not Me:
The answer to overcoming the pitfall of being self-reliant to a fault is simple. It’s so simple that I can sum it up in three words for you. Are you ready? The key to the whole getting and staying sober thing is: “WE, not Me.”
Not self-explanatory enough for you? Okay, that’s fair. I didn’t necessarily understand right off the bat, either. Here’s the deal, though; I’m sure just about everyone, by now, has heard the old cliché “It takes a village.” Often times it’s used in the context of raising a child, a massive project, or keeping a small business afloat. Well, the same is true for sobriety. For one person to get sober and stay sober, it really does take a village.
Thinking back, I remember how terrified I was when I first found my village in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous. I was a 20-year-old college student, hundreds of miles away from any friends or family that might have offered me support. From my very first meeting, the folks welcomed me with open arms and withheld any judgment or shame that could have easily been passed upon me.
When I was struggling to even get 24 hours of sobriety under my belt, it was a fellow A.A.’s who spoke to me with love and compassion. As I began to realize that my drinking had evolved into a chemical dependence on alcohol, the prospect of medical detox became more and more of a necessity. A new level of fear and frustration kicked in, but my village had my back.
When it came to getting more serious professional help through a treatment center, I pumped the breaks as hard as I could. I had a million “reasons” (ahem… excuses) why I couldn’t go. “I’m in school,” “I’m too young to go to rehab,” “My parents will kill me if they find out,” just to name a few.
My newfound village listened intently as I spouted off why a person like me simply didn’t have the time or the luxury of rehab. Once I moved past the thought that perhaps I was just constitutionally incapable, a member gently and lovingly spoke the words that would change my life forever. “WE, will figure it out. WE will get through this.” Those words still ring true no matter what is going on in my life today. Nothing in this life of sobriety is so overwhelming, so long as I remember that it’s “WE, not me.”
I have seen it firsthand; I can’t get sober by myself. Certainly, I couldn’t have stayed sober for as long as I have by myself. I needed help, support, guidance, and most of all understanding. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, a brain to pick, or lessons to learn; I need people around me on this journey, and preferably people who are rich in recovery.
As with almost everything else I’ve learned in sobriety, I’m not alone in this need for support thing, either. Some of us use religion, counseling, and 12-step meetings; while others rely on social clubs, yoga, or friends and family. It’s important to find your village and discover what helps you (for my fellow 12-steppers this is Step 2).
Your village may look totally different from mine, and that’s okay! Eventually, WE learn that staying sober is a “WE” thing, not A Me thing. Basically “WE” is greater than “Me”, and for this alcoholic, that’s where I found my sanity.
Thanks for reading!
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