Estimated read time: 9 min
If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you know that collectively, as The Grateful Nuts, we’re very 12-step oriented. However, since becoming more active in the sober social community, I have been exposed to a lot of new ideas, thoughts, and ways to live life sober. In sobriety, I have learned to be more open-minded and willing to explore things beyond my own understanding. As a result, I like to take time to consider and try new things. One thing I keep in mind is that the most important element of sobriety is the desire to stop drinking, but we’ll get to that later.
My prior knowledge of recovery, sobriety, and what it means to be sober has primarily come from my 12-step fellowship, my stint in rehab, and clinical knowledge acquired through college courses in pursuit of my degree. I am of the mind that knowledge is power, and living is learning. As a result, I often feel restricted by the echo chambers of people who only think like I do.
So, I have been learning. I’ve learned new vocabulary (i.e., sober curious, sober leaning, California Sober, Colorado Sober, etc.). I am learning about new pathways to recovery (i.e., sober coaches, SMART recovery, celebrate recovery, self-help, etc.). It has even come to my attention that there are alternatives to alcoholic beverages (i.e. mocktails, non-alcoholic beers, non-alcoholic liquors, etc.)
In some ways, I find these new discoveries to be really exciting, inclusive, and encouraging. Sometimes though, I wonder if it’s not all too overwhelming for those who are new to sobriety or (time for a new vocab word!) sober curious.
When I was getting sober, I was presented with two options. Option number one: keep drinking and definitely die, or option two: abstain from anything and everything about alcohol and active addiction. That was basically it in a nutshell. “Drink and die or don’t and live,” they told me. It was a bit of a slap in the face, but it presented me with two very clear, very simple options, and the choice was mine.
This approach to living sober was something I could easily understand. I was already an “all or nothing” type person, and this two-choice approach may very well be the reason I didn’t bother searching out other alternatives.
It wasn’t until I was about three and a half years sober that I started hearing more about these other pathways to recovery. There was this new (to me) phrase, “alcohol-free,” floating around and a mantra of sorts that being sober wasn’t just for alcoholics. There were motivational videos that encouraged viewers to “question their relationship with alcohol.”
I thought, “Wow, that’s different!” chuckled to myself, brushed it off, and went along my merry way. My closed mind haughtily formed the opinion that I knew how to stay sober, and that was all I needed to know.
Then, as thoughts often do, the concept of what these people were sharing floated in and out of my consciousness for a week or so.
I began to consider what their message was, what their experience may be, and wouldn’t you know it; I tried to identify rather than compare. In looking for the similarities between what I knew about staying sober and what they knew about staying sober, I realized we were basically saying the exact same thing!
In many instances, their approach to getting to their sobriety was almost identical to how I found mine; they just called it something different. Sure, we had differences of opinion in some areas. Some of us have very different thoughts on how to get sober, what sobriety should and shouldn’t look like, and what being sober actually means. However, we were all just sharing our own experiences, which I’ve been told since day one that’s all we can really do anyway.
Some of these people wanted to be paid to help others get sober. There are those that discouraged traditional support groups and wanted people to commit to their own personal programs instead. Others seemed to be of the mind that just applying enough willpower and determination would be sufficient in the search for a sober life. I can’t say whether or not these methods do or don’t work, I haven’t tried them.
What I can say is that I do honestly believe and support the reality that there is more than one way to get sober. With that being said, the common thread I have been able to isolate in every approach I have come across is one theme: a desire to stop drinking.
Let’s unpack that, shall we?
As many of you know, I found my sobriety through a 12-step program. It’s an anonymous program, and it’s made up of alcoholics… any guesses?
If you guessed Alcoholics Anonymous, good job, it was pretty obvious. It may come as no surprise to you that Alcoholics Anonymous is often considered old-fashioned, redundant, restrictive, overrated, and antiquated in its ways and style of sobriety.
I wouldn’t necessarily argue that those things are entirely wrong at times, but I also don’t feel comfortable bashing the very program and way of life that saved my ass either. Now that we’ve cleared that up… let’s continue.
Without dissecting every aspect of the program, I will say one of my favorite aspects of the program is the very broad statement that the “only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking.” Nowhere does it say that one HAS to stop drinking, that you WILL stop drinking, or that you are not allowed to attend meetings if you ARE still drinking. It simply states that if one wants what A.A. has to offer (sobriety), the only thing you need to do is have a desire to stop drinking. I love that.
A beautiful part of my story is that I didn’t stop drinking for a while, even after I was in the program. After my very first meeting, to which I showed up very drunk, I continued to go to two meetings a day. In fact, for three months, all the while, I was drinking before meetings, after meetings, in between meetings, and yes, oftentimes even in the meetings. See, I had the desire to stop drinking, just not the physical ability (my personal journey includes being chemically dependent on alcohol for my body to function).
So, using this frame of reference, the communal idea that having the desire to stop drinking has an impact on success in sobriety, I began to more fully consider these other pathways to being a sober person living an alcohol-free life.
As I scrolled through Facebook, Instagram, and other sober blogs, I was using a new perspective. I no longer scoffed at the get sober journaling prompts, the sober apps, the sober yogis, and the 12-step haters. The sight of posts expressing the importance of self-reliance, determination, and confidence as the key to staying sober no longer enraged me.
I was no longer personally offended by those who claimed that they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves without the help of anyone else. I simply noticed that each of their journeys began with what one might call… a desire.
With this new perspective, I experienced a shift in my attitude as well. Now, when I saw the posts of those who were desperate to get sober and struggling to do so, I no longer questioned the sincerity of their desire. When I saw the posts of the frustrated, so confused as to why they couldn’t grasp the program, I wasn’t so quick to question their willingness.
Now, when I saw the bitterness toward 12-step fellowships and the promotion of other pathways to sobriety, I could see that the desire to stop drinking was so deeply embraced that they were willing to keep looking for a solution that would work for them. I was inspired, proud, excited, and overjoyed for each of these people.
Trust me when I say that I understand how condescending and arrogant my former statement sounds; prior to these discoveries, I absolutely was arrogant and condescending on this topic. As wonderful as the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is and has been to me, it has its flaws and shortcomings. I mean, come on, of course, it does; it’s made of, for, and by humans… alcoholic humans at that.
The way I was “brought up” in the program, those who came before me were sure to mention, on occasion, that A.A. does not have a monopoly on recovery. People in the rooms say this; the literature says it. Hell, Bill Wilson, the founder of A.A., made sure to include it in the Big Book when he wrote it. However, I was not convinced that they believed it, even when they said it.
I really thought it was one of those patronizing comments, a random aside, maybe even a copout that was built into the program. You know the type that they can fall back on when someone builds a life in sobriety without the program… yeah, that’s what I thought. As a result, I think there was a time in my own sobriety that I didn’t truly believe that one could actually be a sober alcoholic without the fellowship of A.A. If there was a time, its long gone by now. Even the idea that I believed that was true makes me cringe just thinking about it.
The truth of the matter is whether you do it entirely on your own, whether you need a sober coach, a 12-step program, yoga, running, or journaling… if it works for you, that’s all that matters!
The most important rule for getting sober is a desire to stop drinking!
Thanks for reading! Please like, share, and comment below.
If you, adamantly disagree with my personal stance on this matter, check out Stan’s post: “What Earth People Say Might Kill You”
