Estimated read time: 4 min
One of the most profound pieces of advice I have ever received is the suggestion of putting down the bat and picking up the feather. In early recovery, from both addiction and mental health challenges, I could accept, or at least begrudgingly acknowledge, that I truly am an alcoholic and a person with a mental health diagnosis.
What was more difficult, however, was truly understanding that neither of these things was my fault. The baffling nature of these diseases is that the root cause isn’t a moral failing, caused by a personal default in character, nor the result of poor lifestyle choices or even an innate evil or wickedness that predestines a person for failure and misery.
Addiction and mental health challenges are both no-fault disorders. I’ll say it again for those who missed it the first time, it’s not your fault. I could overload you with the research, the psychology, and science of it all, but that’s not what I’m here for. We have google, scientists, and medical professional for that. This is more personal, a peek into my journey with the shame, self-loathing, guilt, and confusion that so often manifests in early recovery.
I think that it’s easy to blame ourselves for the disease of addiction, or the challenges that come with having mental health diagnosis. It’s easy to beat ourselves up for how our bodies and brains process and respond to traumas, adversity, and curveballs life throws at us for simply being alive. I did anyway, and I still struggle with this concept to some extent.
For me, I misplaced my anger, frustration, and hurt at myself. I hyper-focused on my actions, thoughts, and behaviors that merely surrounded my issues. Of course, it’s my fault I thought, I took the drink! Of course, I’m the problem. Look at all the mistakes I made, and the trouble I caused for myself. I deserve a life of misery, isolation, and shame! It was easy to get caught in this trap, and many of us do.
One day, as I was crucifying myself, and acting as judge, jury, and executioner, a kind and caring friend in recovery reached out and asked me to simply put down the bat. Confused as to what they could possibly mean, I just stood there. More adamantly they repeated, “Hand me the damn bat, and take this feather!” Metaphorically, of course. I later realized that my friend was asking me to exchange my weapon of choice for something a lot less harmful.
A feather. Something that wouldn’t bruise or crush my mind, body, and spirit. A much softer standard of judgment for the things that weren’t my fault, and a gentler way of reprimanding myself for the things that were.
American civil rights activist, poet, and memoirist, Maya Angelou, coined a perfectly paralleled phrase “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This is essentially what this friend was telling me to do. Prior to reaching our own path of recovery we do the best we can with what we have. We fight, scratch, and claw our way through surviving, and along the way, we pick up coping skills that are just as destructive as they are effective. We do the best we can.
Recovery then shows us that there is a better way, a safer way, a saner way. Then, slowly, we do better. The need to beat ourselves up, to pummel ourselves for the things we did prior is unnecessary and entirely unhelpful to moving onward and upward. Fellow grateful nuts, when we look at our past, maybe let’s choose the feather, and retire the bat.
Are you interested in retiring your bat in exchange for a feather? Do you already have experience in taking this step of offering yourself some grace? Share your experiences with us by commenting below!
